Popular jokes (25366 to 25380)

Good care of pet deer

“Midas took very good care of his pet deer. He had a hart of gold.”

Four Horse

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

Signs And Notices 21

These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.
At my University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police."
In the hallway of a High School in New Jersey "Our School: Commitment, Responsibility, Attitude, Persistance."
Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery.
A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If your going to steal, then smile for the camera."
While stopped at an intersection I noticed a man standing on the corner in front of a Burger King. He was holding a ign that read "Will work for food." If he had only looked up, he would have noticed that the Burger King sign directly a bove him read "Now hiring."
At an office: "This job is only a test had it been an actual job, you would have recieved raises,bonses and promotions."
SEEN ON A BILLBOARD ALONG A HIGHWAY: "Caution: Objects in the mirror may have flunked drivers education."

Old Man

70 yr old man asks his wife "do u feel sad when u see me running behind young girls?"
Wife replied "No not at all, even dogs chase cars but they can't drive it"

Abortion Bill

A Congressional aide asks the politician: "What are we going to do about the new abortion bill?"
The politician's reply: "Shhhhh -- just pay it."

Real Saddam Please stand up!

This is parody of eminem's song "Will the real Slim Shady plz stand up!" the saddam hussein version.

May I have your attention please?

Infidels,

May I have your attention please?

Will the real Saddam please stand up?

I repeat! Will the real Saddam please stand up?

We gonna have a problem here...

You all act like you've never seen a dictator before

Jaws all on the floor

Like Hitler and Stalin just walked in the door

I started terrorizing years before the 1st gulf war,

Now I plan to even the score

I've got so many body doubles, Its True! No Kidding!

I don't go to the streets. They All do my bidding.

And Chemical Ali said...

Nothin you Idiots, Chem Ali's dead. I'll find a replacement.

Yeah I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose

But it's no worse than what's going on in the U.S war room

Sometimes I wanna go on Al Jazeera and let loose, but can't

But it's OK for the U.S to destory my statues.

Osama's down with this. Osama's down with that.

And if he's lucky he might get weapons from Iraq.

And thats the reason why my regime got attacked.

If I react with chemicals, I'll sure get jacked!

Of course you're gonna bomb me and my forces

By the time you fly warplanes

I'll be in Tikrit sippin' on champagne.

And when you miss me, please don't start to complain.

You've got so many soldiers tearing up my terrain.

I am like cockroach cuz you can't kill me.

The guy you're bombing now isn't the real me.

My information minister goes on TV,

So he can say I wasn't found in the debris.

And there's a million of us just like me

Who dress like me, walk, talk, oppress like me

Mustache like me, a big piece of trash like me

And just might be a piece of sh*t, but not quite me!

I'm Saddam. Yes, I'm the real Saddam.

All you other Saddams can all kiss my bottom.

So won't the real Saddam please stand up?

Please stand up? Please stand up?

Grandpa was showing little Joh...

Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her."
A little later on, he said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does I'm eating a hamburger!"

Silly Collection 04

What do golfers use in China?
China tees!

What kind of hair do oceans have?
Wavy!

Why did the child study in the aeroplane?
He wanted a higher education!

In the park this morning I was surrounded by Lions!
Lions, in the Park?
Well, dandelions!

What do you mean by telling everyone that I'm an idiot?
I'm sorry, I didn't know it was supposed to be a secret!

Why are goldfish red?
The water turns them rusty!

What is the best hand to write with?
Neither - it's best to write with a pen!

Sensitive Beer

Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.

A man comes home with his litt...

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"

Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."

"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

High jump

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop very high, the zoo officials put up a ten-foot fence. He was out the next morning, just wandering around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out.

When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they'll go?”

The kangaroo said, “Pretty high, unless somebody figures out to lock the gate at night!”

Little Johnny asked his father...

Little Johnny asked his father, "Dad, can you write in the dark?"

His father said, "I think so. What do you want me to write?"

Little Johnny replied, "Oh, just sign this report card for me..."

Golden Wedding Anniversary

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their Golden Wedding Anniversary.

The elderly couple were visiti...

The elderly couple were visiting another pair of oldies one evening. After dinner the ladies were ( as usual) tidying up in the kitchen while the two old chappies chuntered happily together in the sitting room.

The host says, "Oh, we went to a new restaurant the other night...it was quite good, really."

"Interesting," replies the guest. "What's it called?"

"Uuuuuummmmmm, let me see now...mmmm...what do you call that beautiful flower....it comes in many colours...red, pink, yellow....you know the one, has a sweet fragrance, thorns on the stem, etc..."

"Oh, you must mean a rose!"

"Of course!!!......Rose! (calls towards the kitchen) what's the name of the restaurant we went to?"

“My New Year's resol

“My New Year's resolution is Full HD.”