Popular jokes (25381 to 25395)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Not older...just better....
For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:
"You are not getting older, You are getting better."
When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."
It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:
"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
One day, a grandpa and his gra...
One day, a grandpa and his grandson go golfing. The young one is really good and the old one is just giving him tips. They are on hole 8 and there is a tree in the way and the grandpa says, "When I was your age, I would hit the ball right over that tree." So, the grandson hits the ball and it bumps against the tree and lands not to far from where it started. "Of course," added the grandpa, "when I was your age, the tree was only 3 feet tall."Spelling...
A kindergartner was practicing spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: cat, dog, dad, and mom had been proudly displayed for all to see.
One morning while getting ready for the day, he bounded into the room with his arms outstretched. In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D.
"Look what I spelled, Mom!" with a proud smile on his face.
"That's wonderful!" his mom praised him. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."
The mom happily thought that her son's Catholic education was certainly having an impact.
Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen: "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla'?"
Answering Machine Message 123
(Sound of scrap metal falling down a staircase continues through message.) Hello, we are having some technical problems right now, so we can't take your call. Please leave us a message.
Real Saddam Please stand up!
This is parody of eminem's song "Will the real Slim Shady plz stand up!" the saddam hussein version.May I have your attention please?
Infidels,
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Saddam please stand up?
I repeat! Will the real Saddam please stand up?
We gonna have a problem here...
You all act like you've never seen a dictator before
Jaws all on the floor
Like Hitler and Stalin just walked in the door
I started terrorizing years before the 1st gulf war,
Now I plan to even the score
I've got so many body doubles, Its True! No Kidding!
I don't go to the streets. They All do my bidding.
And Chemical Ali said...
Nothin you Idiots, Chem Ali's dead. I'll find a replacement.
Yeah I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose
But it's no worse than what's going on in the U.S war room
Sometimes I wanna go on Al Jazeera and let loose, but can't
But it's OK for the U.S to destory my statues.
Osama's down with this. Osama's down with that.
And if he's lucky he might get weapons from Iraq.
And thats the reason why my regime got attacked.
If I react with chemicals, I'll sure get jacked!
Of course you're gonna bomb me and my forces
By the time you fly warplanes
I'll be in Tikrit sippin' on champagne.
And when you miss me, please don't start to complain.
You've got so many soldiers tearing up my terrain.
I am like cockroach cuz you can't kill me.
The guy you're bombing now isn't the real me.
My information minister goes on TV,
So he can say I wasn't found in the debris.
And there's a million of us just like me
Who dress like me, walk, talk, oppress like me
Mustache like me, a big piece of trash like me
And just might be a piece of sh*t, but not quite me!
I'm Saddam. Yes, I'm the real Saddam.
All you other Saddams can all kiss my bottom.
So won't the real Saddam please stand up?
Please stand up? Please stand up?
Two football players were taki...
Two football players were taking an important final exam.If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week.
The exam was fill-in-the-blank.
The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."
Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed.
Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder.
"Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"
Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba.
"Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."
"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now."
He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank.
He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"
"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."
Bush and Clinton and Bush
A reporter remarked to George W. Bush: "It must be something, knowing that you put the Bush legacy back into the oval office."
"Thanks to Bill Clinton," replied George. "Bush never left the office."
“I hate cliff-hangers...
“I hate cliff-hangers! Do you know what I am going to do about it?”
Drugs for Women
With ...
Drugs for WomenWith the introduction of Viagra to fix a perennial male problem, a famous British pharmaceutical company is working to redress the balance:
MIRRORCILLIN - A 5cc dose enables a woman to walk past mirrors for up to four hours without pausing once.
STOPPANAGGIN - Gives women a vague feeling of contentment towards their spouse/boyfriend.
COSMOPOLIRA - Doubles female intelligence, allowing 'facts' in trash lifestyle magazines to be disputed.
LOGICON - Trials showed that females taking this were able to follow a proposition through to its logical conclusion and argue effectively without being diverted into non-relevant postulates such as 'you don't love me any more'.
PARKATRON - 72% of women taking this were able to safely reverse park a Ford Fiesta into a space only 12 meters long; 54% achieved this in under 15 minutes.
MAGNATACK - Uniquely distorts the cornea, making certain shapes appear much larger than in reality - no practical use for this drug has yet been found.
WARDROBIA - Clinical trials show that almost 23% of women taking this drug can safely walk past a sale notice, and an amazing 42% stayed within their credit limit.
BEERINTULIN - Engenders a female desire to bring her spouse/boyfriend alcoholic beverages and snacks during televised sports.
