Popular jokes (25906 to 25920)

Larry, a computer programmer f...

Larry, a computer programmer for a consulting group, had designed some software for a large account. He asked John's help in putting it into operation.

At first, Larry handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked John to help with the last phase of the training.

When John sat down with one woman and told her he would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief.

"I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him," she said.

Surprised, John said that his colleague was far more experienced than he was.

"Yes," she said. "But I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really smart people."

It was Saturday night and the

It was Saturday night and the preacher still hadn't been able to thinkof a sermon for the next morning. About 9:00 p.m. he finally said to hiswife, "Dear, I think I've come up with the perfect sermon! I'm going to give asermon about horseback riding!"
She said, "Don't be silly! You can't give a sermon about horsebackriding!"
He replied, "Well, it's going to have to do because I've preached onjust about every other subject I can think of." The next morning as they were driving to church, she said, "I can'tbelieve that you're insisting on doing this! You know, If you're goingto give that silly sermon on horseback riding, I'm just going to stay inthe car during the service."
He said, "OK, then, suit yourself!", so she stayed in the car.Entering church before the service, the preacher had a suddeninspiration and gave a hell-fire and brimstone sermon on SEX that just had thecongregation in awe. As the congregation filed out of the church, someof he members saw his wife sitting in the car and approached her window.One of them said, "Wow! you just missed the best sermon your husbandhas EVER given!"
She said, "Yeah, right! What does he know about it! He talks big buthe's only tried it twice in his life! "Once before we were married and onceafter, and he fell off both times!"

The Army of the Lord

Jack was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I almost never see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
Jack whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."

You Might Be A Redneck If 53

You might be a redneck if...
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
You don't think Jeff's jokes are funny.
Your house has a kickstand.
You drive around a parking lot for fun.
Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents "Ma and Pa".
You have to duct tape your gloves on.
You've ever pruned your trees with a shotgun.
Someone says they spotted Bigfoot and you go buy tickets to the tractor pull.
You think that Marlboro is a cologne.

Only in America

Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance....

Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and A diet coke...

Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens To the counters...

Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then Have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America... do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning blood sucking creatures...

A blonde woman is terribly ove

A blonde woman is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that’s amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nodded. "I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
"No, from skipping."

Ever stop to think? Training a dog always gives me paws.

#joke #short #animal #dog

Lego Reopening

Good news, the Lego store has reopened...
People are lined up for blocks!

Which reptiles have a sixth se

Which reptiles have a sixth sense? Alligaydars

Why Helicopters are Better than Women

1. A helicopter will kill you quickly . . . a woman takes

her time.

2. Helicopters can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3. A helicopter does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'

4. A helicopter does not object to a preflight inspection.

5. Helicopters come with manuals.

6. Helicopters have strict weight and balance limits.

7. You can fly a helicopter any time of the month.

8. Helicopters don't come with in-laws.

9. Helicopters don't whine unless something is really

wrong.

10. Helicopters don't care about how many other helicopters

you have flown.

11. When flying, you and your helicopter both arrive at the

same time.

12. Helicopters don't mind if you look at other helicopters,

or if you buy helicopter magazines.

13. It's OK to use tie-downs on your helicopter.

Judge: “The defendant is

Judge: “The defendant is accused of selling bootlegged copies of ‘Mony Mony'…”

Happiest day of your life...

Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

My cow sneezed, so I swore at ...

My cow sneezed, so I swore at it. There was so much moo cuss.

Matt Braunger: Demand for Strippers

Theres no demand for male strippers. No womans like, Lets go see male strippers tonight. Its like a fun thing. Theres always a demand for female strippers. Cause theres always this guy, just like, Ugh, Ive had the worst day, man. Just want a beer in my hand and some tits in my face. Blah. Im gross. No woman has ever said, Ive had the worst day. I just want a glass of wine in my hand and a set of c**k and balls banging against my face and head. Thats all I want.

Telling Some Stories

Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."