Popular jokes (32221 to 32235)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Tom McCaffrey: In Every Single Cop Movie
You ever notice, in every single cop movie, like halfway through the movie, theres always this scene where the main dude, the cop, will get shot, and then hell fall, like, 10 stories out of a building, and then hell be, like, Ugh, Im gettin too old for this? And Im like, was there a time where that was OK? I think thats bad at any point in your life. Has anybody ever been shot and been like, Oh my god! Im exactly the right age for this.Santa Hates Your Kid
8. Kid's letter to north pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!"7. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes
6. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling.
5. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left is foam packing.
4. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a Reindeer head in his bed.
3. Instead of "Naughty" or "Nice", Santa has him on the stupid list
2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown."
1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"
Most wanted...
An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.
The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.
Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!"
Officer says "yes".
Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
Who in government is r...
Who in government is responsible for Britain's spies?How do you get five donkeys to...
How do you get five donkeys to fit into a fire engine?Words to live by...
Notice! Take lettuce from the top of the stack, or heads will roll!Well, if Jerry Springer isn't educational TV, why does it make me feel so much smarter?
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
I tried to get in touch with my inner child, but he isn't allowed to talk to strangers.
I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.
I must be following my diet too closely. I keep gaining on it.
Welcome to Megacomputer's 24-hour helpline. If you have been waiting LESS than 24 hours, please remain on the line.
Whenever I'm in a mood to watch the world go by, I just keep to the posted speed limit.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
One Carat too Many
Two cuties were comparing notes concerning their latest boyfriends.The first said, "He took me to his condo in Ocean City and showed me all these expensive jewels. There was an emerald-cut diamond of at least five carats, a tennis bracelet of six carats, and even a wrist watch with eleven carats."
"Impressive."
said the second young thing.
"Well... yes."
the first agreed.
"But the downside was that with all those carats, he expected me to behave like a rabbit."
Tech Glossary
486: The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
State-of-the-art: Any computer you can't afford.
Obsolete: Any computer you own.
Microsecond: The time it takes for your state-of-the-art computer to become obsolete.
G3: Apple's new Macs that make you say 'Gee, three times faster than the computer I bought for the same price a Microsecond ago.'
Syntax Error: Walking into a computer store and saying, "Hi, I want to buy a computer and money is no object."
Hard Drive: The sales technique employed by computer salesmen, esp. after a Syntax Error.
GUI: What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it. (pronounced 'gooey')
Keyboard: The standard way to generate computer errors.
Mouse: An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.
Floppy: The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.
Portable Computer: A device invented to force businessmen to work at home, on vacation, and on business trips.
Disk Crash: A typical computer response to any critical deadline.
Power User: Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.
System Update: A quick method of trashing ALL of your software.
Mom's Time Out
My Parents had not been out together in quite some time.One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her.
“Would you like to go out, girl?” he asked.
Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, “Oh, yes, I'd love to!”
They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of it that Dad confessed.
His question had actually been directed to the family dog, lying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
For articles about celebrities
For articles about celebrities kissing in public, consult WikiPDA.Favourite spice among Chinese
Favourite spice among Chinese cannibals: SinomanAnswering Machine Message 140
Hi, this is Jim. Sorry I can't take your call but I'm playing my guitar too loud to hear the phone ring. Please leave me a message and I'll call you back at the end of Van Halen-1.
