Popular jokes (466 to 480)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and 2 more short new jokes
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me
I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
My wife asked me why I wanted to be cremated.
I told her it's ...
it is my last hope for a smoking hot body
I am trying to convince my dad to get a new hearing aid.
But he just won't listen.
Difference between hypothetical and reality
A little boy goes up to his father and asks: “Dad, what’s the difference between hypothetical and reality?”
The father replies, “Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she’d have sex with the mailman for $500,000.”
The boy goes and asks his mother: “Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?”
The mother replies, “Hell yes I would!”
The little boy returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”
The father then says, “OK, now go and ask your older sister if she’d have sex with her principal for $500,000.”
The boy asks his sister, “Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?”
The sister replies: “Hell yes I would!”
He returns to his father. “Dad, she said ‘Hell yes I would!’”
The father answers, “OK, son, here’s the deal: Hypothetically, we’re millionaires, but in reality, we’re just living with a couple of whores.”
Two women were having lunch to...
Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."The second woman says, "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"
To which the first replies, "Whoa, I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"
An elderly lady was stopped to...
An elderly lady was stopped to pull into a parking space when a young man in his new red Mercedes went around her and parked in the space she was waiting for. The little old lady was so upset that she went up to the man and said, "I was going to park there!" The man said, "That's what you can do when you're young and bright."
Well, this really upset the lady even more, so she got in her car and backed it up and then she stomped on the gas and plowed right into his Mercedes.
The young man ran back to his car and asked, "What did you do that for?"
The little old lady smiled and told him, "That's what you can do when you're old and rich!"
The Million Dollar Question for God
A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to God to ask, "God, what is a million years to you?"
God replies, "My son, a million years to you is like a second to me."
The man asks, "God, what is a million dollars to you?"God replies, "My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me."
The man asks, "So God, can I have a million dollars?"
And God replies, "In a second."
5 short jokes for great Friday
I hired a lawyer to sue the airlines for mishandling my luggage.
He lost the case.
Vegetarians think eating animals is immoral
But eating mushrooms is morel
How do you make an eggroll?
You push it!
What day do eggs hate the most?
Fry-day
How do eggs run so fast?
They’re afraid of being beaten
Difference Between Man and Woman Showering
How to Shower Like a Woman1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs.
12. Turn off shower.
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your a**.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits.
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.
9 great new jokes from the Edinburgh fringe festival 2023
Another 9 great jokes from the Edinburgh fringe festival 2023
Getting mythology wrong is my Hercules ankle.~Olaf Falafel
I have an unconscious bias.
I’m biased firmly towards being unconscious.
~Leila Navabi
Cats are like strippers – they sit on your lap and make you think they love you.
~Sikisa
The UK is so small, they’ve got to keep all their lakes in one district.
~Liz Guterbock
I have a suntanning addiction, so only go on holiday in winter.
I went cold Turkey last year.
~Richard Stott
Everyone says your 20s are all about finding yourself.
If that’s true, your 30s are about wishing you’d found somebody else.
~Ginny Hogan
What does Kylie sing while counting sheep?
I can’t get ewe out of my head. ~Alison Spittle
My relationship with my mum is like the evolution of payment technology – we went from physical contact to electronic only,
then it was contactless. ~Kuan-Wen Huang
Last year, I had a great joke about inflation.
But it’s hardly worth it now.
~Amos Gill
Came in my pants
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party... Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!"
Married 25 years, I took a loo...
Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.
