Popular jokes (6301 to 6315)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A duck walks into a Dairy
A duck walks into a dairy and says
"Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!"
But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him.
He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed.
The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer.
The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips... heh heh heh
On Halloween we will not pun.
On Halloween we will not pun. Instead we make candied observations.A Greek and Italian were sitti...
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a Starbuck's one day discussing who had the superior culture.Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we have the Parthenon."
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman Empire".
...and so on and on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly,
"That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!"
A Fart Smeller or A Smart Feller
Theres a woman that has a big problem when it came to farting. She farts all the time, yet is never able to smell or hear them. So one day she decides to go to the doctor about the problem. She tells him how she is always leaving these long, hard farts that she can never smell or hear. The doctor thinks about it and sends her home with some pills, telling her to come back a week later. When she comes back to his office, she tells him how she still is having these horrible farts, but now they smell like rotting eggs. The doctors only reaction to this was... Its good to know we cleared up your sinuses. Now to work on your hearing....Steamroller accidents
Steamroller accidents can be quite ugly. Luckily I have always been the grader man.Really funny jokes-Degree of Urgency
Diamond asked him to explain what it meant.
He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done tomorrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?"
The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish.
"No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency," replied Brennan.
Nick Swardson: On Jane Goodall
She left, went and studied apes, and then just came home -- went for six years and then just came home. And its like, what a weird thing to do with your life. She just went and studied them, like how they act and how they eat and they function, and then just left. Went for six years -- left. An ape couldnt do that to us, you know. An ape couldnt just walk into your house and study you for six years.Groups of Americans were trave...
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing."These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"
For their anniversary, a coupl...
For their anniversary, a couple went out for a romantic dinner. Their teenage daughters said they would fix a dessert and leave it waiting.When they got home, they saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"
"I suppose," the husband responded dryly, "we could clean the house."
An elderly couple were watchin
An elderly couple were watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African string-and-weight procedure?"
The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal experiment coming along?"
"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.
"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"
"No, it's turned black."
Nothing personal....
"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."
"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.
"It's not a reflection on you," insisted the church goer. "Ralph has been been walking in his sleep since childhood."
A woman came to the hospital t...
A woman came to the hospital to visit a friend. She had not been in a hospital for several years and felt very ignorant about all the new technology. A technician followed her onto the elevator, wheeling a large, intimidating looking machine with tubes and wires and dials."Boy, would I hate to be hooked up to that thing," she said.
"So would I," replied the technician. "It's a floor cleaning machine."