Popular jokes (6631 to 6645)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
A mathematician, an accountant...
A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says; "What do you want it to equal?"
Did you ever wonder...
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?If people from Poland are called 'Poles' why aren't people from Holland called 'Holes?'
Why do we say something is out of whack? What's in whack?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts,' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with!
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4's?'
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?
I was thinking how people seem to read the Bible more as they get older, then it dawned on me . . . they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them!? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail!?
How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
No one ever says 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Kissing a Nun
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see if you qualify. #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a costume party."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady
Really funny jokes-Baseball fan
Close to the field he saw an empty seat, so he decided to go down there. He reached the seat and asked the man next to the unoccupied seat if anyone was seating there.
The man replied, 'No.' So the guy sat down and struck up a conversation.
'Who would have a seat right next to the field and not come?!?'
The man answers, 'Oh, that was my wife's seat.'
'Where is she?' the guy replied.
'She died.'
'Oh, I'm sorry ... don't you have anyone else to come with you, a brother, or friend?'
'No, they couldn't come.'
'Why?'
'Because they are at her funeral.'
"Brokeback Mountain" is not ju...
"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.Ploughing the land
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
We plan to go clubbing. Now is
We plan to go clubbing. Now is the winter of our disco intent.Small child picked
'I was not a particularly small child. I was the one who always got picked to play Bethlehem in the school nativity.'
Jo Brand (July 23 1957-)
Picture: Craig Sugden
There was a Texan, a Dutchman ...
There was a Texan, a Dutchman and a Canadian sitting in a bar. The Texan picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then throws the glass up in the air and shoots it.The bartender looks at him and asks, what'd you do that for? The Texan replies, "back in Texas we have so many glasses we don't have to drink out of the same one twice."
Next the Dutchman picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then throws the glass against the wall. The bartender looks at him and asks, "what'd you do that for?" The Dutchman replies, "back in Holland we have so many glasses we don't have to drink out of the same one twice."
Finally the Canadian picks up his beer and chugs it on down, then he takes the gun from the Texan and shoots the Dutchman. The bartender looks at him and asks, "now what did you do that for?" The Canadian replies, "well back in Canada, we have so many Dutchman, that we don't have to drink with the same one twice!"
Service for Your Dog
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.
The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."
If Chuck Norris gave a mouse a...
If Chuck Norris gave a mouse a cookie, it would probably ask for some milk. Then Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick that ungrateful little rodent so hard, it would lose it's appetite for cookies. Permanently.Blondes kids
A blonde was with her husband shopping and she decided that they would shop in different parts of the mall.They meet in the middle 2 hours later and she announces, "I just got kids."
The husband stares amazed, looking at the kids he says, "Those are 2 baby goats!"
Submitted by bomberman255
Edited by Calamjo, Curtis and yisman
Some new vocabulary
arachnoleptic fit, noun:
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug, noun:
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
bozone, noun:
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down at any time in the future.
cashtration, noun:
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
caterpallor, noun:
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
dopelar effect, noun:
(1) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
(2) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
extraterrestaurant, noun:
An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.
foreploy, noun:
Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
Grantartica, noun:
The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.
intaxication, noun:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
kinstirpation, noun:
A painful inability to get rid of relatives who come to visit.
lullabuoy, noun:
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
