Popular jokes (6631 to 6645)

People are ignoring me

A patient walks into a doctor's office.

Patient: Doctor, people ignore me.

Doctor: Next!

Really funny jokes-Picasso

 Destroy An Opponent

The Center for Opponent Neutralization (C.O.N.)
Tonya Harding Presents...
Get tired every softball season loosing to the same team with all the big sluggers year in and year out?
Are you tired of always getting beat 6-0, 6-0 by that arrogant tennis-playing friend of yours with his killer serve?
Haven't you had enough of that annoying golf buddy who always seems to shoot in the low 80's against you?
Just tired of always loosing to someone better than you? Let us do the dirty work for you at the......
Tonya Harding Center For Opponent Neutralization
That's right, for a small fee we can rough up, maim, dismember, paralyze, or even kill that person or persons who are blocking your path to athletic success.
Check out our price list:

Blow to the knee............................. $99.95
Blow to both knees (a better buy)............ $149.95
Blow to the head............................. $124.95
Knife in the back (tennis players only)...... $49.95
Kick in the groin (male athletes only)....... $9.95
Poking out one eye........................... $49.95
Poking out both eyes (three stooges style)... $79.95
Gun shot to the knee......................... $199.95
Gun shot to both knees....................... $299.95
Gun shot to the head......................... $499.95
Impalement in a public place................. $999.95

Prices subject to change without notice.
Remember, wednesdays are bonus days, order one act of violence and receive another of equal or lesser value at 50% off!
With every order over $300.00 you automatically receive a collapsible hard plastic baton personally signed by Tonya Harding herself - just like the one used to beat the crap out of Nancy Kerrigan.
To order, call toll-free at 1-800-just-win

Present Discussion

December is the month when the kids begin to discuss what to get Dad for Christmas.
Some insist on a shirt.
Others insist on a pair of socks.
The argument always ends in a tie.

Last Thing I Want To Do

I told my girlfriend, "The last thing I want to do is break up with you... I have about five things on my list before I get there."

Deciding what Christ...

“Deciding what Christmas gifts to give makes one present tense.”

Bruce Lee's Older Brother

Did you know Bruce Lee has a faster older brother?
Sudden Lee.

Five guys were in a bar. Feeli...

Five guys were in a bar. Feeling slightly sloshed, they started to argue with each other about the size of their penises.

Eventually the discussion escalated into a full-blown argument, with each man thinking his penis was the biggest. The bartender suggested, "Put them on the bar so we can compare."

The drunks did just that. Shortly, a gay man came in the bar, looked around, and said to the bartender, "I think I'll have the buffet."

Pete Holmes: Uncool in Dreams

I cant seal the deal in my dreams. I hit on women in real life and theyre like, In your dreams. Im like, No. Not even there.

Two men visit a prostitute. Th

Two men visit a prostitute. The first man goes into the bedroom. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "Heck. My wife is better than that." The second man goes in. He comes out ten minutes later and says, "You know? Your wife IS better."

Tenjewberrymuds

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review:
Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."

A man in a hot air balloon rea...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted,” Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour
ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of you, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

Man Talks to God

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

Everybody who has a dog calls

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand", I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."
My case comes up on Friday...

Cake

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by up to 90%.

It's called wedding cake.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis