Popular jokes (6946 to 6960)

We only do portmanteau puns on Valentine's Day. Because love is blend.

#joke #short

Represent Christmas

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something relating or associated with Christmas.
The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.
The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in.
The third man pulls out a pair of stockings.
Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"
"They're Carol's."

Low Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”

Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a “Truck Wedgie.”

Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”

The gutsy truck driver said, “No officer, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”

Mr. Potato head went to the on

Mr. Potato head went to the oncologist. They assured him “It's not a tuber!”

A Hundred Dollar a Night

The agent for a beautiful actress discovered one day that she had been selling her body at a hundred dollars a night The agent, who had long lusted for her, hadn't dreamed that she had been so easily obtainable. He approached her, told her how much she turned him on and how much he wanted to make it with her.
She agreed to spend the night with him, but said he would have to pay her the same hundred dollars that the other customers did. He scratched his head, considered it, and then asked, "Don't I even get my agent's ten percent as a deduction?"
"No siree," she said. "If you want it, you're going to have to pay full price for it, just like the other Johns."
The agent didn't like that at all, but he agreed. That night, she came to his apartment after her performance at a local night club. The agent screwed her at midnight, after turning out all the lights.
At 1 A.M., she was awakened again. Again she was vigorously screwed. In a little while, she was awakened again, and again she was screwed. The actress was impressed with her lover's vitality.
"My God," she whispered in the dark, "you are virile. I never realized how lucky I was to have you for my agent."
"I'm not your agent, lady," a strange voice answered. "He's at the door taking tickets "

There is, in fact, an "I" in N...

There is, in fact, an "I" in Norris. But there is no "team", not even close.

The Cat and the Saus

One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage.

The cat was feeling quite happy so as the water wasn't that deep he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put his whole arm into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous Cumberland sausage at the bottom for the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, then SPLASH - he fell in.

The moral of the story is: The Bigger the Sausage, The Wetter the Pussy!

A new apartment...

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

"Johnatahan," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains...."

A man was driving through west

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours. Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.
He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling despondent As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.
Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump."
The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood. "Who said that?" he demanded.
There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."
Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.
When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.
A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you've seen a ghost."
"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.
The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"
The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"
"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know shit about cars."

For a pun about blind dates, t

For a pun about blind dates, the best part is the set up.

A couple was at the mall and h...

A couple was at the mall and his wife decided to buy something for their daughter-in-law at an exclusive lingerie shop. Inside, the husband was feeling very out of place when a beautiful clerk asked if she could help him. In a cocky manner, he asked, “Where are all the men’s clothes?” In a demure voice the clerk replied, “All of these clothes are for men, sir.”

Human cloning is outlawed beca...

Human cloning is outlawed because of Chuck Norris, because then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

Six months...

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

#joke #short

Who Should Make the Coffee?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."
The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."