Popular jokes (6961 to 6975)

A young girl was attending...

A young girl was attending her first wedding, watching the proceedings with interest for a while before growing restless. The groom stood at the altar as six bridesmaids walked slowly up the aisle, one by one. Soon, the girl leaned over to her mom and whispered, “Why doesn’t he just hurry up and pick one?”

 Bloopers Of Children

Some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday School students of both the Christian and Jewish persuasion:
In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.
Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then, Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus and the manager.
Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

A Rabbi, a Hindu and a Lawyer

A rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car broke down. They set out to find help and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!" The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...

Funny jokes-Does love happen?

What do you do?

"What do you do?" a young man asked the beautiful girl he was dancing with.

"I'm a nurse."

"I wish I could be ill and let you nurse me," he whispered in her ear.

"That would be miraculous. I work on the maternity ward."

Comedy by the Numbers

8 comedians were sitting around at the 2nd floor bar of the Friars Club when a new young Friar wannabe comedian sat down and joined them.

One of the older comedians turned to the others and yelled out the number 12.

The other seven comedians burst out laughing. Then another of the comedians yelled out 4 and again the other comedians burst out laughing. A few minutes later another comedian yelled out the number three and once again the other comedians burst out laughing

The new wannabe comedian asked why you are calling out numbers and what’s so funny about it.

The first all the comedian said, they are not random numbers, we just all know the same jokes. So, after a while we started giving them numbers, and instead of telling the joke those numbers are enough to remind us of the joke instead of telling it.

The new friar wanting to fit in turns to the others and yells out six. But instead of getting laughter a dead silence falls upon the table. The new friar turns to the first comedian and said what’s wrong why did I get any laughs.

He answered, you didn’t tell it right

Nuns on the highway...

A cop pulls over a car load of nuns....

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!"

Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible."

Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."

Pope and Purdue

One day Mr. Purdue comes up with this great idea for the Catholic Church. Immediately he makes plane reservations to go to Rome.

When he gets into Rome he makes an appointment to see the Pope. When he sees the Pope he says this: "It is great to meet you, your Eminence, and I have a little proposition for you. See, I was in church the other day and I thought of a great idea. Purdue Chickens is ready to give the Church $500,000 if you guys will change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'. What do you think?"

The Pope pondered for a second and said: "I don't really think so."

Well, Mr. Purdue was not going to be let down by this so he continued: "Purdue Chickens is so organized that we figured that there would be a little dificulty in the first offer. Okay, we are prepared to give the Church $1 million dollars to change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chickens'."

The Pope thought a little longer this time and responded: "No, I really don't think so."

Now, Mr. Purdue was getting a little nervous. He took out his handkerchief and wiped the sweat from his brow. He said: "Now, we at Purdue Chickens didn't really think that the offer was going to go this far, but nevertheless, we prepared ourselves. We are willing to give the Church $5 million if you guys will change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chickens.' What do you think?"

The Pope looked at Mr. Purdue blankly and then said: "Sure."

Later that day the Pope had a meeting with the Cardinals. He said: "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good new is that the Church has gained $5 million dollars. The bad news is that we lost the Wonderbread account."

$5 for a Penguin

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.

The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"

The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."

"What's a penguin?"

"You'll see."

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."

Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"

Big Day

To all Evangelicals, Pentecostals, 7th Day Adventists and Baptists who truly believe – the Big Day is coming tomorrow, so make sure you've rapture presents!

A Texan farmer goes to Austral...

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.
There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.
The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"
The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

  
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Joke of the Day, posted everyday on Getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

The Healing Power of Holy Water?

One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches.An altar boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen."Son, you've just witnessed a miracle!" the priest said. "Tell me where is this man now?""Flat on his butt over by the holy water!" the boy informed him.

Two rednecks are out hunting,

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?"
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, and jumped in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goataround here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "

And The Fairy Said….

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. “Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: “Fairies are female.”