Popular jokes (7606 to 7620)

 English Language

The English Language
Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?
Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.
We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.
If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!
English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)
That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

When our lawn mower broke and

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wifekept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.But, somehow I always had something else to take care of -first, the truck, the car, playing golf 'Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. WhenI arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.I watched silently for a short time and then went into thehouse. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handedher a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,you might as well sweep the driveway.'
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Frank Caliendo on Letterman

 

1. You work for an acronym, on

1. You work for an acronym, on an acronym, and your job title is an acronym.
2. You can name the project leader of more than 10 projects including your own, but still can't explain in the simplest terms what they do.
3. The process becomes more important than the product.
4. You've sat at the same desk for 3 years, done the same thing for 3 years, but have had 3 different business cards.
5. You don't see anything wrong with attending a meeting on a subject you know nothing about.
6. You feel you contributed to the meeting just by being there.
7. You realize that a paperless office is impossible. Actually, you believe it is possible, just not in your office.
8. You keep documents/manuals on projects that have been long since canceled.
9. You stop raising issues/problems because you know you will be the one answering them.
10. You fly across the country to attend a conference with 100+ people to discuss the fact that the project does not have enough money.
11. You've sat at the same desk for 4 years and worked for three different agencies.
12. Your name plate is attached with Velcro.
13. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
14. The office symbol on your badge is applied with tape.
15. When someone asks about what you do for a living, you lie.
16. You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
17. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you loose your best jokes.
18. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
19. You sit in a cubicle smaller than your bedroom closet.
20. You think lunch is just a meeting to which you drive.
21. It's dark when you drive to and from work.
22. Fun is when issues are assigned to someone else.
23. Communication is something your group is having problems with.
24. You see a good looking person and know it is a visitor.
25. Free food left over from meetings is your main staple.
26. Weekends are those days your spouse makes you stay home.
27. Being sick is defined as can't walk or you're in the hospital.
28. Art involves a white board.
29. You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30. You work 200 hours for the $100 performance check and jubilantly say, "Oh wow, thanks!"
31. Dilbert cartoons hang outside every cube.
32. Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes," "in your spare time," "when you're freed up," and "I have an opportunity for you."
33. Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
34. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers."
35. Change is the norm.
36. Nepotism is encouraged.
37. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures hang in your cube.
38. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
39. You can name more people that used to work with you than people who do.

Fuzz

Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane.

He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with the other hand. Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching.

"Awwwww Hell !" he murmured, "Fuzz !"

"What did ya expect ?" Phoebe sez, "A perm?"

Never look back in a seniors h

Never look back in a seniors home – someone may be caning on you!

Hillbilly at the hospital...

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

Southern Hospitality in Flight

Two ladies, a Yankee and a Southern Belle, are sitting next to each other on a plane. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, So, where yall from?
The Yankee replies, I am from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.
Without missing a beat, the Southern Belle bats her lashes and asks, So, where yall from, bitch?

An Amish girl

An Amish girl and her mother were driving their buggy one day in the winter, when the girl told her mom that her hands were cold. She said to put them between her legs, so she did.

The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy and he said to the girl that his hands were cold. The girl said to put them between her legs and he did.

The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy again and he told the girl that his nose was cold and she told him to put it between her legs, so he did.

The next day the girl and her boyfriend were riding in the buggy and he told her that his penis was frozen solid, so she told him to put it between her legs and he did.

The next day the girl was riding in the buggy with her mother and asked her if she knew what a penis was. She replied, "Yes, why?"

"Because they sure do make a mess when they thaw out."

Chuck Norris has already been ...

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars. That's why there are no signs of life there.

Answering Machine Message 225

(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.

West Virginian Women

What do you call 32 West Virginian women in one room?
A full set of teeth.

Chinese virgins

Who are the three most famous Chinese virgins?

"Tu Yung Tu," "Tu Dum Tu" and "No Yen Tu!"

Cat rules

BATHROOMS
Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

DOORS
Do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in the door and think about various things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

CHAIRS AND RUGS
If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so it is as long as a human's bare foot.

HAMPERING
If one of your humans is engaged in some activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping,” otherwise known as hampering.” 1) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted. 2) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself. 3) For paperwork, lie so as to obscure as much of the work as possible. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or pen. 4) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him, jump on the back of the paper. Humans love to be startled. 5) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen and then lie in human's lap, preventing typing.

WALKING
As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get out of bed in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

BEDTIME
Always sleep on the human at night so he cannot move.

LITTER BOX
When using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

HIDING
Every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic (which they love) thinking that you have run away or are lost. Once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses and you will probably get a treat.

ONE LAST THOUGHT
Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially his face, turn around, and present your butt to him. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget guests!

Requesting A Three Day Pass

An Israeli soldier who just enlisted asked the Commanding Officer for a 3-day pass.
The CO says "Are you crazy? You just join the Israeli army, and you already want a 3-day pass? You must do something spectacular for that recognition!"
So the soldier comes back a day later in an Arab tank!
The CO was so impressed, he asked "How did you do it?"
"Well, I jumped in a tank, and went toward the border with the Arabs. I approached the border, and saw an Arab tank. I put my white flag up, the Arab tank put his white flag up. I said to the Arab soldier, "Do you want to get a three-day pass? So we exchanged tanks!"