Popular jokes (7621 to 7635)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Final Exam
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'
One friend says to another, "D
One friend says to another, "Did you know that the shortest sentence in the English language is 'I am'?""Really?" replies the other. "What’s the longest sentence?"
“I do.”
When can we see the baby?
With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one of them asked.
“Not yet,” said the mother. “I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”
Another half hour passed before another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”
“No, not yet,” said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked, “May we see the baby now?”
“No, not yet,” replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”
“When it cries!” she told them.
"When it cries?” they gasped. “Why do we have to wait until it cries?”
“Because, I forgot where I put it.”
Inertia is a property of Chuck...
Inertia is a property of Chuck Norris.Patton Oswalt: If You Make It to 90
If you can take care of yourself and make it to 90, starting at age 90, every year, one law no longer applies to you. Now it starts off small: when you turn 90, you can legally litter. You can litter whenever you want to. You just walk up to a cop on your 90th birthday and drop a cheeseburger wrapper: Hey guess what today is? Give me a kiss.i know him
A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a attractive middle aged lady. He approached her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me?"She responded, "I do know you Mr. Leigh. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
A lawyer and two friends, a ra
A lawyer and two friends, a rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.The farmer said, "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."
"No problem," chimed the rabbi. "My people wandered in the desert for forty years. I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening."
With that, he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.
Moments later, a knock was heard at the door, and the farmer opened it. There stood the rabbi from the barn.
"What's wrong?" asked the farmer.
He replied, "I'm grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn, and my faith believes that is an unclean animal."
His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later, the same scene recurred. There was a knock on the door.
"What's wrong now?" the farmer asked.
The Hindu holy man replied, "I too am grateful for your helping us out, but there is a cow in the barn, and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"
Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but he went out to the barn.
Moments later, there was another knock on the farmer's door.
Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood ... the pig and the cow.
Many Hands
A Hindu devotee asked God, represented by the multi-armed Lord Narayana, this question. "My dear Lord," he said. "I understand that you have innumerable inconceivable potencies. But out of all of them the energy of light seems to be the most amazing. Light pervades the spiritual world, it illuminates the material universes, and life is impossible without it." He continued, "I would like to know how you make it work."
"Oh, that's easy," was the reply. "Many hands make light work."
Bad weather
This old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that he wanted something different.So the manager sent him up to room "69".
He got in there and this woman named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working wonders.
Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "What the hell was that?"
She replied, "That is the cooling rain falling all over you."
She got at it again and farted in his face.
He said, "What the hell was that?"
She then again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds blowing."
Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed.
Hurricane Sally said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "Hell, a man can't fuck with this kind of weather!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
21st Century Newspaper
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!
Brewery accident...
Brenda McCarthy is home making dinner for her husband Patrick when Tim Finnegan knocks at her door.
"May I come in, Brenda darlin'?" says Tim sadly, "I've somethin to tell ya."
"Of course, Tim, come in, but where's Patrick?" she asks.
"That's what I'm here to be tellin ya, Brenda," says Tim. "There was an accident down at the Brewery."
"Oh, God NO!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me....."
"I'm so sorry, darlin'" says Tim, his voice breaking, "Your dear husband Patrick is dead."
Brenda buries her face in her hands and asks tearfully "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was a terrible thing to see, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But tell me true, Tim, did he at least die quickly?"
Tim hesitated. "Well, no, darlin, not really, no."
"NO?"
"No, in fact he got out three times to pee."
A Ukrainian and a Jew were dis...
A Ukrainian and a Jew were discussing how far each could make a dime reach, and agreed to try it and meet a few days later to see who'd get the most out of a dime.The Jew bought a cigar, and smoked one-third the first day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the second day and saved the ashes. He smoked one-third the third day and again saved the ashes, and on the fourth day he gave the ashes to his wife to use as fertilizer on her roses. He told the Ukrainian, "I know you can't beat that for stretching a dime."
The Ukrainian said, "I got you beat. I bought a Polish sausage for a dime, and the first day I ate one-half, and on the second day I ate the other one-half. The third day I used the skin for a condom, and the fourth day I took a shit in the skin and sewed it back up. The fifth day I took it back to the butcher and told him it smelled like shit. He agreed with me and gave me my dime back!"
Joke of the Day - What To Say ...
Joke of the Day - What To Say About That “Special” Christmas GiftHey! There's a gift!
Well, well, well …
Boy, if I had not recently shot up 4 sizes that would've fit.
This is perfect for wearing around the basement.
Gosh! I hope this never catches fire! It is fire season though. There are lots of unexplained fires.
If the dog buries it, I'll be furious!
I love it — but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
Sadly, tomorrow I enter the Federal Witness Protection Program.
To think…I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
I really don't deserve this.
It would be a shame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
