Popular jokes (7906 to 7920)

Not older...just better....

For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

"You are not getting older, You are getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

You should be thankful for my

You should be thankful for my many criticisms – I'm giving you piece of mind.

1. The bandage was wound aroun

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

"How do you do?"
"H

"How do you do?"
"How do I do what?"
"I mean, how do you find yourself?"
"Don't be silly. I never lose myself."
"You don't understand. How do you feel?"
"With my fingers, of course. Haven't you got anything better to do than bother me with stupid questions?"

A guy wakes up one morning wit...

A guy wakes up one morning with a hangover

Going downstairs he asks his wife, "Honey, I know I made a fool out of myself at the company party last night, so tell me what I did."

"You got in an argument with your boss."

"Well, piss on him!" said the man.

"You did. He fired you." said the wife.

"Well, screw him!" said the guy.

"I did." said the wife. "You're back to work Monday."

How About a Drink?

A Jesuit was out for a drive and crashed into another car, only to discover that the other driver was a Franciscan.
“It was my fault,” each insisted—as is only right and proper with religious men.
Concerned, the Jesuit said, “You look badly shaken up, Father. You could probably use a good stiff drink right now to calm down.”
He produced a flask and the Franciscan drank from it and said, “Thank you, Father; I feel much better now. But you’re probably shaken up too. Why don’t you have a drink as well?”
“I will,” the Jesuit replied, “but I think I’ll wait until after the police have come.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

The Doctor's Sign

A young doctor had moved into town and was setting up a new

practice. He had a new sign painted and hung it in front of

his office, proclaiming his specialties:

"Homosexuals & Hemorrhoids."

The town fathers were upset with the sign and asked him

please to change it. The Doctor was eager to please, so he

put up a new sign:

"Queers & Rears."

The town fathers were really fuming about that one, so they

demanded the Doctor come up with a decent sign that would not

offend the townspeople.

Finally, the Doctor came up with an acceptable sign:

"Odds & Ends"

Veterinary Clinic

Glenn took his dog to the veterinary clinic, and laid its limp body on the table. The doctor pulled out his stethoscope, listened to the dog's chest for a moment, then shook his head sadly. “I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away.”

“What?” Glenn screamed. “You haven't even done any tests! I want another opinion.”

The vet left the room and returned in a few moments with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever sniffed the dog on the table carefully from head to toe. Finally, the Retriever shook it's head and barked once (meaning “dead and gone”).

The vet took the Labrador away and returned a few minutes later with a cat, which also sniffed carefully over the dog on the table before shaking its head and saying, “Meow” (meaning “he's gone”).

After the cat jumped off the table, the vet handed Glenn a bill for $600. The man shook the bill at the vet. “$600!!!! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!!! That's outrageous!”

The vet explained. “If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan….”

He Ordered A Double

What happened when a man ordered a double?
The barman brought out someone that looked just like him.

One Line Zingers

• If Cain and Able were Siamese twins, would they be Cable?


• Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.


• The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.


• "I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.”


• Warning notice at a seminary swimming pool: “First-year students are only allowed to walk on the shallow end.”


• "If absence makes the heart grow fonder,” said a minister, “a lot of folks must love our church.”

This joke was reprinted from "Laugh Yourself Healthy" by Charles and Frances Hunter, with permission of Strang Communications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Chuck Norris once broke the la...

Chuck Norris once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.

Sincere love note

To Mary, the love of my life:

There is nothing I would not do to reach your side. I would climb the highest mountain! I would cross the trackless desert! I would swim the widest ocean to be near you, my beloved.

With love and tenderness,
Jonathan

PS: See you Saturday night, if it doesn't rain.

5 Stages of Being Drunk

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe.

You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen.

At this stage you are always RIGHT.

And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG.

This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you.

You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you.

Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world.

You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar.

You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets.

It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH.

You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing.

This is because nothing can hurt you.

At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money.

You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.

At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.

You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.

You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still SMART you know allthe words.

One Million Dollars

Two friends are chatting...
"I will give one million dollars to the person who will fulfill my wish."
"What is your wish?"
"That somebody would give me two million dollars."

Really funny jokes-Museum of Natural History

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard,“Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?”
The guard replies, “They are three million, four years, and six months old.”
“That's an awfully exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
The guard answers, “Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago!”