Popular jokes (7921 to 7935)

He Remembered

A Canadian tourist is fascinated by the Native American way of life and culture, so he decides to visit a reservation in the United States to find out more.
After a long and dusty drive through the Arizona desert, he finally arrives at the reservation.
Soon after his arrival, the tourist meets an old chief, who claims to remember everything that ever happened in his life.
The tourist is curious and asks the chief: “What did you have for breakfast on your fifth birthday?”Without hesitation, the chief replies: “eggs”.
The tourist was very impressed by this, and he never forgot the chief’s words, even after his visit had long since ended.
Ten years later, he returns to the reservation and is surprised to see the same old chief again.
He approaches the chief, puts his hand up flat and greets him with “how”.
“Scrambled,” the old chief replied.

Job application...

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

Old flame...

A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. She recognized him as an old flame.

"Honey," she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

Snooker Man

y did the snookerman go to the toilet, to pot brown!

1. Is it good if a vacuum rea

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game"when we are already there?
10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote controlwhen you know the batteries are dead?
22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?I dunno, why do we?

A mother mouse and a baby mous...

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

 Crocodile Is Longer

Prove that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.
Lemma 1. The crocodile is longer than it is green: Let's look at the crocodile. It is long on the top and on the bottom, but it is green only on the top. Therefore, the crocodile is longer than it is green.
Lemma 2. The crocodile is greener than it is wide: Let's look at the crocodile. It is green along its length and width, but it is wide only along its width. Therefore, the crocodile is greener than it is wide.
From Lemma 1 and Lemma 2 we conclude that the crocodile is longer than it is wide.

Maria Bamford: Fulfilling Potential

Im afraid that fulfilling my potential would really cut into my sitting around time.

Pope and Purdue

One day Mr. Purdue comes up with this great idea for the Catholic Church. Immediately he makes plane reservations to go to Rome.

When he gets into Rome he makes an appointment to see the Pope. When he sees the Pope he says this: "It is great to meet you, your Eminence, and I have a little proposition for you. See, I was in church the other day and I thought of a great idea. Purdue Chickens is ready to give the Church $500,000 if you guys will change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'. What do you think?"

The Pope pondered for a second and said: "I don't really think so."

Well, Mr. Purdue was not going to be let down by this so he continued: "Purdue Chickens is so organized that we figured that there would be a little dificulty in the first offer. Okay, we are prepared to give the Church $1 million dollars to change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chickens'."

The Pope thought a little longer this time and responded: "No, I really don't think so."

Now, Mr. Purdue was getting a little nervous. He took out his handkerchief and wiped the sweat from his brow. He said: "Now, we at Purdue Chickens didn't really think that the offer was going to go this far, but nevertheless, we prepared ourselves. We are willing to give the Church $5 million if you guys will change 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chickens.' What do you think?"

The Pope looked at Mr. Purdue blankly and then said: "Sure."

Later that day the Pope had a meeting with the Cardinals. He said: "I have some good news and I have some bad news. The good new is that the Church has gained $5 million dollars. The bad news is that we lost the Wonderbread account."

Three football teams (Arsnel,

Three football teams (Arsnel, Liverpool, and Hartsfield) are flying from England across Egypt for a match in the Middle East. Their plane crashes in the desert and they survive. After days of wandering, they are really hungry so when they come across a camel, the footballers decide to kill it and eat it. The Liverpool team says, "Because we play for Liverpool, will we eat the liver." The Hartsfield players decide, "Because we play for Hartsfield, we will eat the heart." Arsnel says, "I think we might go hungry..."

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage.
Burglarize bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with.
Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate.
Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots.
Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians.
Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
Pharmacist farm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm.
Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins in Antarctica see.
Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief ree-leef': what trees do in the spring.
Rubberneck rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 200 pounds in a size two.
Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued sub-dood': a guy, that works on one of those submarines.
Sudafed sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official

Great news for Bill Gates #jokes #humor

Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates were called in by God. God informed them that he was very unhappy about what was going on in this world. Since things were so bad, he told the three that he was destroying the Earth in 3 days. They were all allowed to return to their homes and businesses and tell their friends and colleagues what was happening. God did tell them though, that no matter what they did he was "not" changing his mind.
Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95.

Pat and Mick landed themselves...

Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here like this...Damn! There goes another one!"

A cow's favourite prayer

A cow's favourite prayer is “Hail Mary, full of graze…” It's even more popular than the Our Fodder.

Missing fingers....

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, heck, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."