Popular jokes (8386 to 8400)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
What Do You Get When ...
What do you get when you cross a Buddhist and a Druid?Someone who worships the tree that is not there.
Funny jokes-Lies of a Graduate student
1. No really, I'll be out of here in only two more years.
2. My job prospects look really good.
3. The department is giving me so much support.
4. I just have one more book to read and then I'll start writing.
5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
7. I would never date an undergraduate.
8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
9. I'd be delighted to proofread your book/article.
10. It doesn't bother me at all that my college roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.
The confession...
Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."
The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."
$5 for a Penguin
A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.
So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"
The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."
"What's a penguin?"
"You'll see."
So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."
Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"
Where Are We Going?
An American man, a Russian man, and an African man were all up in a hot-air balloon together. After a few minutes, the Russian man put his hand down through the clouds. "Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."
"How can you tell?" asked the American.
"I can feel the cold air." he replied.
A few hours later the African man put his hand through the clouds. "Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.
"How do you know that?" asked the Russian. "I can feel the heat of the desert."
Several more hours later the American put his hand through the clouds. "Aah, we're right over New York."
The Russian and the African were amazed. "How do you know all of that?" they exclaimed.
The American pulled his hand up. "My watch is missing."
Know Your Apples
Here is the scene: The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Church elementary school for lunch.At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and put it on the apple tray...
'Take only ONE. God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
The manager of a grocery store
The manager of a grocery store nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to his office, near the cash registers, when the shoplifter tried to run away.After a brief scuffle the manager was able to wrestle the thief to the floor. He looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, folks," the manager assured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items."
12 Types of People on Facebook
12 Types of People on FacebookAll of us on Facebook have at least one of each of these types of friends on our list:
1) The "Rooster" -- Always tells Facebook "Good Morning" every day.
2) The "Lurker" -- Never posts or comments on your post, but reads everything, and might make reference to your status when seeing you in public.
3) The "Hyena" -- Doesn't ever really say anything, just LOLs and LMAOs at everything.
4) "Mr/Ms Popular" -- Has 4,367 friends for NO reason.
5) The "Gamer" -- Plays Words With Friends, Mafia Wars, Farmville, and Bejeweled Blitz, and bakes virtual cakes and stuff, etc. (ALL DAY).
6) The "Cynic" -- Hates his life, and everything in it, as evidenced by the somber tone in ALL of his status updates.
7) The "Collector" -- Never posts anything either, but joins every group and becomes fans of the most random stuff.
8) The "Promoter" -- Always sends event invitations to things that you ultimately delete or ignore.
9) The "Liker" -- Never actually says anything, but always clicks the "like" button.
10) "Drama Queen/King" -- This person always posts stuff like "I can't believe this!" or "They gonna make me snap today!" in the hopes that you will ask what happened, or what's wrong ... but then never finishes telling the story.
11) The "News" -- Always updates you on what they are doing and who they are doing it with, no matter how arbitrary, and lastly...
12) The "Thief" -- Steals status updates ... and will probably steal this one ...
Back seat...
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his ol' man.
"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years."
If at first you don't succeed,...
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!Chuck Norris was once on Celeb...
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.Three knots
Suddenly, he stopped and asked, "How am I doing?"
The woman replied, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."
"What's that supposed to mean?" he asked.
She replied, "You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in, and you're 'knot' getting your money back!"
What is Matzo
A Jewish man took his Passover lunch to eat outside in the park He sat down on a bench and began eating. A little while later a blind man came by and sat down next to him.Feeling neighborly, the Jewish man passed a sheet of matzo to the blind man.
The blind man ran his fingers over the matzo for a few minutes, looked puzzled, and finally exclaimed, "Who wrote this?!"
