Popular jokes (8401 to 8415)

When you're friends with

When you're friends with a cow, heifer buddy wins.

Chuck Norris can take an arrow...

Chuck Norris can take an arrow in the knee.

Pet names....

There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six."

His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.

One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "mother of six, are you ready to go?"

Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four."

Why Should I Whistle?

Murphy and his wife went for a stroll in the park. They sit down on a bench to rest for awhile. Soon they overhear voices coming from a secluded spot nearby.
Suddenly, Mrs. Murphy realizes that a young man is about to propose. Not wanting to be eavesdropping during such an intimate moment, she gently nudges her husband and whispers, "Whistle, to let that young couple know that someone can hear them."
To which Murphy replies, "Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me?"

Really funny jokes-Cowboy in Theatre

Forrest Gump in Heaven

Forrest Gump died and went to heaven. When he got to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance, a prospective Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:
1. What are two days of the week that begin with "T"?
2. How many seconds are in a year?
3. What is God's first name?
Forrest thought for a few minutes and answered:
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard.
Saint Peter said, "Ok, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected. Technically, your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why do you think God's first name is either Andy or Howard?" Forrest responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, and so on."
"Ok then, I give," said Saint Peter. "But what about God's first name?"
Forrest said, "Well, from the song...Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own...And then from the prayer...Our Father, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name..."
Saint Peter let him in without another word.

Yo momma's so fat, she played

Yo momma's so fat, she played the role of the boulder in the first Indiana Jones movie.

Steven Wright 09

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

Star Wars Characters

My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
My daughter Chewbacca not so much.

the blonde and the b

there was a boy who liked a blonde and so one day he finally got the courage to ask her out. he said "would you go out with me?"

she looked confused and said "where we going?"

Medical Emergency on the Golf Course

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when

she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear, I need

help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help." A little

while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line

up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I'm

may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who

said he come and help."

"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"

"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, practice stroking

his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

Error Messages In Japan – Continued

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
-----------------------------
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
'My Novel' not found.
-----------------------------
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.
-----------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
-----------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
----------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
----------------------------
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
----------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
----------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

*Editors Note
Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness.
....... And then what do you have? Bupkes.

Tree or bush

Q: What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?

A: A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

Sex and athletics....

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

“Can a well-rounded i

“Can a well-rounded individual become flattered?”