Popular jokes (8881 to 8895)

Bishop & the Bellringers

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided to conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills (or lack thereof), he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man announced that he was there to apply for the bellringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, then told him he had the job. Dancing with joy, the armless man tripped and plunged from the belfry to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side.

When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face sure rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop resumed interviews for post of bellringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. As you can see, I'm more blessed than he in that I have two strong arms, the better to strike the bells. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?", the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"

"I don't know his name," sighed the bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Netflix: The

Netflix: The latest craze among fishermen.

Splitting the Offering

A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were having a discussion about how they split the offering money between the church and God.
The rabbi said, "I take a piece of string, make a circle on my desk with it, and throw up the offering plate. Whatever goes inside the circle goes to God, and whatever falls outside the circle goes to the church."
The minister said, "Well, that's not bad, but I have a better way. I halve my entire office with a piece of string, and stand next to it. I throw up the offering plate, and whatever goes on the right side of the string goes to God, and whatever goes on the left side goes to the church."
The priest nodded, then said, "Well, that sounds pretty good, but we have a foolproof way of splitting the offering. I stand in the middle of my office, throw up the offering plate, and yell, "Keep what you want!""

Coffee choices

In our home we tend to get the children to help out. One day our youngest son came in to the living room and asked, “Does anyone want a cup of coffee?”

“Yes please!” we said.

He replied, “What kind of coffee do you want? Capitated or decapitated?”

The Island of Trid

Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid.
It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.
The Trids were a very sexual people, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.
The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn't stand the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.The Trids were a very depressed people.
One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite their overcrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous to this man of God.
The Rabbi decided to return the favor, and to go plead the Trid's case to the Giant. "Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you," the Rabbi explained.
The Trids were horrified. "Please don't go, Rabbi", the Trids implored. "The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown."
The Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant. The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.
The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant.
He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.
He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.
Finally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked "Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?"
And the Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"

How many bass players does it ...

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but the guitarist has to show him what to do

Grasshopper

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper looks at the bartender, with a look of extreme confusion on his face, and says, "You have a drink called Steve?"

 Visit The Barber

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.
"I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"

Moth inspector

A man walks in his room after work and is suprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed. After careful examination he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains. He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there.

'Who the hell are you?' he yells.

The naked guy replies 'I'm the moth inspector'

'Oh yeah! what are you doing naked?'

He looks down and exclaims 'Oh my god! I'm too late!'

Statistics jokes-Bikini

Dr. Phil was conducting a ther...

Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said,"You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol.This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

Running red lights...

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it; I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"

Dark

Two Rednecks were sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life.

One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way through a fence, with its butt facing the tavern.

One drunk says, "I sure wish that sheep was Marilyn Monroe."

The other says, "I just wish it were dark."

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Yisman

Short funny jokes-Check ride

Maria, a devout Catholic, got

Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 15 children. After her first husband died, she remarried and had 15 more children. A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away. At Maria's funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, "At last, they're finally together." Her sister sitting in the front row said, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?" The priest replied, "I mean her legs."