Popular jokes (9496 to 9510)

People who collect nail trimmi

People who collect nail trimmings, aka, clipped-toe maniacs.

Eight-year-old Sally brought h

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Love for the In-Laws

My wife told me that I did not love any of her relatives...
I told her that is not true. I said, "I love your mother-in-law and father-in-law much more than I love mine."

Sincere love note

To Mary, the love of my life:

There is nothing I would not do to reach your side. I would climb the highest mountain! I would cross the trackless desert! I would swim the widest ocean to be near you, my beloved.

With love and tenderness,
Jonathan

PS: See you Saturday night, if it doesn't rain.

I was at the mall the other da

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?
The old man did not bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Shhhh!

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

The Inspired Sermon

The pastor was greeting folks at the door after the service. A woman said, “Father, that was a good sermon.” The priest replied, “Oh, I have to give the credit to the Holy Spirit.”“It wasn’t THAT good!” she said.

The Cesium Song 01

Oh Cesium
(Tune, Oh Christmas tree)
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.
Thy sky-blue lines in plasma's fire,
Do dreams of icy lakes inspire.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
Thy spectrum doth us please-ium.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
When held, you never freeze-ium.
Thy gently smoking silver spheres,
When dropped in water, please the ears.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
When held, you never freeze-ium.
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
You put us at our ease-ium.
You tend the seconds of the day,
So that our watches never stray
Oh Cesium, oh Cesium,
You put us at our ease-ium.
---Songs of Cesium #34

I laid some turf, and was accu

I laid some turf, and was accused of sod on me.

Stuck Under A Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?"
The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Bud Lite

A Mexican ( an undocumented Democrat ), a Black man ( a documented Democrat ), a Muslim and a Redneck ( never voted against the Republican Party ) were walking together on a beach when the Black man stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.

"I can only grant four wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have a wish apiece." Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

The Black man thought for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa." Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Mexican said, "I weesh for enough Cheby peekups to take all my peoples back to our homeland, May-he-co!" Poof! It was done! Row after row of Chevrolet pickups appeared on the beach.

The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve Allah." Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Redneck, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

The Redneck watched as the loaded pickups began moving toward the border, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

The Redneck said, "Just give me a Bud Lite. It doesn't get any better than this!"

A Special Night in Iowa

Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom.

The Trojan War was awful and d

The Trojan War was awful and dirty. It was Helen Earth.

 Jokes About Death

OLD TEACHERS never die, they just lose their class
OLD TELEPHONES never die, they just stop ringing
OLD THERMODYNAMICISTS never die, they just achieve their state -- of maximum entropy
OLD TIRE TUBES never die, they just get punctured
OLD TRASH never dies, they just bury it
OLD TRIGONOMETRY TEACHERS never die, they just lose their identities
OLD TROMBONISTS never die - they just slide away...
OLD TRUCK DRIVERS never die; they just get a new Peterbilt
OLD TV SHOWS never die, they just get rerun on Nickelodeon
OLD TV SOAP STARS never die, they become pathetic
OLD GOAL UMPIRES never die, they just get flagged down -- umpires as in Australian Rules Football
OLD USENETTERS never die, they just become unresponsive
OLD VACATIONERS never die, they just don't come back
OLD VIOLINISTS never die - they just become unstrung.
OLD VOICEMAIL SYSTEMS never die, they just stop answering

Three prisoners are captured i

Three prisoners are captured in the war, and are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian asks for Peperoni Pizza, which he is served and then taken away.
The Frenchmen requests a Filet Mignon, which he is served and also taken away.
The Jewish man requests a plate of strawberries.
The captors are surprised and reply, "STRAWBERRIES?"
"Yes, Strawberries."
"But they are out of season!"
"I'll wait..."