Popular jokes (10621 to 10635)

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Gran...

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference

Top brass from the Army, Navy

Top brass from the Army, Navy and Marine Corps were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch.
The Army General called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands, and salute. The private quickly complied.
Next, the Admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told and landed on the concrete below.
Finally, the marine was told to do exactly as the army and navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with bricks, loaded weapon carried high. He took one look at the Marine General and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!"
The marine commander turned to the others. "Now THAT'S guts!"

A defendant asked the judge to...

A defendant asked the judge to appoint a new attorney to represent him. "For what reason?" the judge asked.

The defendant said the public defender assigned to him wasn't interested in his case.

The judge addressed the man's attorney, "Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion?"

The attorney replied, "I'm sorry, your honor, I wasn't listening."

Short funny jokes-Real sign of getting old!

 Answering Machine Message 121

Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! Sam can't come to the phone right now because he's spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera.

 Husband Picture

The husband says to his wife, "You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?"
She says, "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears."
He smirks and replies, "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
She calmly replies, "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one?'"

Why did Britney's suicid

Why did Britney's suicide attempt fail?

Best Clock Joke Ever

After five long years, I’ve come up with the best clock joke ever…
…it’s about time!

First Patrol Shift

A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering.
The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, 'Let's get off the corner.'
No one moved, so he barked again, 'Let's get off the corner!' Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, 'Well, how did I do?'
'Pretty good,' replied the veteran, 'especially since this is a bus stop.'

The Asylum Loonies..

One night in the bar, the owner is lamenting the fact that business is so quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

As he moans to some of the regulars a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane individuals into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, say next Tuesday. You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night out."

Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on a quiet night appeals, so he agrees.

So, the following Tuesday the guy in the tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics.

He says to the publican, "They might try to pay for their drinks in unusual ways, please just accept whatever they give you, put it all on a tab and I'll settle up at closing time."

The barman has a great time selling loads of drinks and encouraging the loonies to eat chips and peanuts. The loonies have a great time, getting drunk and paying for their drinks with empty Coke cans, banana peels, used tea bags and plastic shopping bags.

At closing time the barman adds up the bill and it comes to just over two hundred dollars! The guy with the glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount.

"Let's call It $150," he says.

The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, "That's fine. Have you got change for a garbage can?"

Mr. Johnson had been retired f

Mr. Johnson had been retired for a year when his wife of 50 yearssuggested they take a cruise: "We could go somewhere for a week, and makewild love like we did when we were young!" He thought it over and agreed.
He put on his hat and went down to the pharmacy, where he bought a bottleof seasick pills and a box of condoms. Upon returning home, his wife said,"I've been thinking. There's no reason we can't go for a month." So Mr.Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasickpills and a box of condoms. When he returned, his wife said, "You know,since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising theworld?"
So back to the pharmacy Mr. Johnson went, and he brought 297 bottles ofseasick pills and the same amount of condoms up to the counter. Thepharmacist finally had to ask.
"You know, Mr. Johnson, you have been doing business with me for over 30years. I certainly don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, whythe hell do you do it?"

 The Cesium Song 13

Cesium's Strange
(Tune, People are strange - The Doors)
Cesium's strange,
when you're a stranger
Consummate danger,
ready to blow.
Water is wicked,
wet and unwanted,
Folks are unfriendly,
when you glow.
Don't take it out in the rain.
You're insane!
You're insane!
Don't you remember the pain?
You're insane!
You're insane!
You're insane ---
Cesium's strange,
pregnant with danger,
Hand the next stranger
a kilo or two.
Pour on the water,
lamb at the slaughter,
Bathe in the light
that is blue, sky-blue!
Don't take it out in the rain.
You're insane!
You're insane!
You'll always remember the pain.
You're insane!
You're insane!
You're insane ---
--- Songs of Cesium #13

Remember His Sister

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx...
But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

 Evaluation Comments

Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE: Not too bright.
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date.
ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily.
ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated.
CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law.
UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement.
QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors.
TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited.
TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors.
INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors.
STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk.
TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut.
APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job.
A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused.
NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college.
EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together.
SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life.
CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared.
METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker.
DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice.
JUDGEMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky.
MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob.
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes.
STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn.
GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward.
SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid.
OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time.
IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no-one else.
ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip.
REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hard-headed.
HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way.
ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do.
HAPPY: Paid too much.
WELL ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork.
COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps.
CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Annoying.
WILL GO FAR: Relative of management.
SHOULD GO FAR: Please.
USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher.
VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work.
USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything.
DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make h/h feel appreciated.

Lunch Money

Mother: "Why did you swallow the money I gave you?"
Son: "Well, you said that the money was for lunch!"