Popular jokes (10621 to 10635)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Office jokes-Corporate Structure
Chairman Of The Board - Leaps tall buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a speeding locomotive; faster than a speeding bullet. Walks on water. Gives policy to God.
President - Leaps short buildings in a single bound. Is more powerful than a switch engine; just as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water when the water is calm. Talks with God.
Executive Vice-President - Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds. Is almost as powerful as a switch engine; not quite as fast as a speeding bullet. Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool. Talks to God if special request is granted.
Vice President - Barely clears a quonset hut. Loses tug of war with locomotive. Can fire a speeding bullet. Swims well. Is occasionally addressed by God.
General Manager - Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings. Is run over by a locomotive. Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury. Dog paddles. Talks to animals.
Manager - Runs into buildings. Recognizes locomotive two out of three times. Is not issued ammunition. Can't stay afloat with a life preserver. Talks to walls.
Trainee - Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings. Says, "Look at the choo-choo." Wets self with a water pistol. Plays in mud puddles. Mumbles to self.
Secretary - Lifts buildings and walks under them. Kicks locomotives off the tracks. Catches speeding bullets in her teeth and eats them. Freezes water with single glance. She IS God.
Spell-Checker
Everyone knows I’m a stickler for good spelling. So when an associate e-mailed technical documents asking me to “decifer” them, I had to set him straight.
“Decipher is spelled with a ph, not an f,” I wrote. “In case you’ve forgotten, spell-checker comes free with your Microsoft program.”
A minute later came his reply, “Must be dephective.”
On their way to get married, a...
On their way to get married, a young couple are involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they asked him.
St. Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
"What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
OH, COME ON!!" St. Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
Send my luggage....
Passenger to Airline Ticket Agent: I want my brown suitcase sent to Los Angeles, my green suitcase sent to Kansas City, and my tan suitcase sent to New Orleans.Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, sir; this flight is to Nashville. We can't do that.
Passenger: Why not ? You did it last time.
A young man named John receive...
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
Yo momma is so stupid when I t
Yo momma is so stupid when I told her Christmas is right around the corner she went looking for it.What did the Pacific Ocean say...
What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean?A judge in his golden years de
A judge in his golden years decided that retirement had become too boring. So he volunteered as a librarian at his local library branch. A week later, his supervisor, a stern woman in her sixties, called him into her office.She cleared her throat and said, "You know, I appreciate that when you were a judge you were stern with lawbreakers. And you carry that with you to your new job, which is very commendable. But when someone owes an overdue fine, you can't just..."
"I had to throw the book at him," said the judge.
"I know," said the librarian, "but the Entire Encyclopedia Britannica?"
Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love
Q: Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn?A: Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Invent Artificial Dogs
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Sunday, November 22, 1992
Researchers at Cornell University recently patented an artificial dog that would speed up the breeding of fleas for lab use.
Previously, the lab required 25 live, severely infected dogs to breed the 12,000 fleas per day needed in studies of humans' and animals' allergic reactions to fleas.
Men are like...
Men are like...Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
Computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
Government Bonds. They take way too long to mature.
Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
Lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Weather. Nothing can be done to change either.
17 how to be be Politically Correct Jokes
How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)
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He does not have a beer gut...
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)
He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)
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He is not quiet...
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is a SAMS grad.
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He is not stupid...
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He is a field grade.
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He does not get lost all the time...
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He gets temporarily misoriented.
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He is not balding...
He is in Follicle Regression.
He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.
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He is not a cradle robber...
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He is breaking the new fraternization policies.
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He does not get falling-down drunk...
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He practices his IMTs in the club.
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He is not short...
He is Anatomically Compact.
He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.
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He does not have a rich daddy...
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He has the Army as a hobby.
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He does not constantly talk about cars...
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He must be a Transporter.
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He does not have a hot body...
He is Physically Combustible.
He is a PT stud.
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He is not unsophisticated...
He is Socially Challenged.
He is a Ranger.
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He does not eat like a pig...
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.
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He is not a bad dancer...
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is from the Muddy Boots Army.
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He does not hog the blankets...
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is a Blue Falcon.
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He is not a male chauvinist pig...
He has Swine Empathy.
He must be combat arms.
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He is not afraid of commitment...
He is Monogamously Challenged.
He loves TDY.
Skydiving...
Ole was to learn skydiving. He was told that shortly after jumping out of the plane he was to pull the short rip cord and that will open a small parachute which will open the large chute and if by chance the large chute fails to open, he should pull the other cord which will open the large parachute. He was told that a car will be on the ground to take him back to the airport.
Ole jumps out of the plane and proceeds to pull the first cord. The small chute doesn't open so he pulls the last cord and the large parachute doesn't open either. Ole thinks to himself, "It will be just my luck that the car won't be there either"
