Popular jokes (11071 to 11085)

Don't fondle anyone insi

Don't fondle anyone inside a courtroom. That's perv jury.

At New York's Kennedy airport

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered tobe a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while inpossession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and acalculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez saidhe believes the man is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. Heis being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult," Gonzalez said. "They desire averagesolutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a searchof absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer tothemselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to acommon denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle".
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God hadwanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would havegiven us more fingers and toes".

Steven Wright 09

What's another word for Thesaurus?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.

My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ...

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it. Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute." I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars from George.

I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm Not Raking 'Til Spring."

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time."

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

ED: Do you like this abstract

ED: Do you like this abstract painting?
NED: No. Modern art makes me want to regurgiTate.
ED: Really?
NED: Yeah, it Turners my stomach.
ED: Oh my.
NED: If you'll excuse me – now I have to get up Van Gogh to the bathroom!

 Animals Go To Heaven

A cat and a mouse died on the same day and went up to Heaven. At the top they met God and he asked them 'How do you like it so far?'
The mouse replied 'It's great, but can I get a pair of roller skates?' God said 'Sure', and he gave him a pair of roller skates.
The next day God saw the cat and asked him 'How do you like it up here so far?' and the cat replied 'Great, I didn't know you had meals on wheels up here!'

Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz

Why did Dorothy get lost in Oz?
She had three men giving her directions.

Alabama Trailer Park

Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the mill.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "Iff'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

“People who lack the ...

“People who lack the patience for calligraphy will never have properly formed characters.”

 Top Ten Ways Y2K Will Affect Disney World

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.
9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.
8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.
7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.
6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."
5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.
4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.
3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."
2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.
1. Two words: catapulting teacups.

Two blondes, Jane and Sarah, w

Two blondes, Jane and Sarah, were deep in a philosophical argument.
"Since you're so damned smart," Sarah says, "answer this question: why is it that when a slice of buttered bread falls to the ground, it's bound to fall on the buttered side?"
Jane snorts, "It doesn't always land on the buttered side. Here, I'll prove it." She gets out the loaf of bread from the cupboard. Out comes the butter from the fridge. She generously butters the bread. Then she drops it. Butter side up.
"Ha-ha! See?!"
"You think you're so smart. You just buttered the wrong side of the bread!"

Yuppie Farmer

A yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and told the proprietor he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor.
"I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said.
"Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied: "If I can iron out a few problems."
"Problems?" asked the proprietor.

"Yeah," replied the yuppie: "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

Joke of the Day, posted everyday on getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

When seeking to ignite his own

When seeking to ignite his own farts, why did the Moroccan fellow prefer using a powerful blowtorch, as opposed to a simple matchstick?

Kids Thoughts on Marriage
...

Kids Thoughts on Marriage

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that Usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Careful how you slice up that

Careful how you slice up that wild game carcass: You don't want to make a big moose steak!

Car Crash

I was recently on vacation in Main when I observed a pretty bad car crash between two police partol cars. The officers were standing around, looking at the damage and they both had a confused look on their faces. I figured that they were trying to figure out what to do because who were they supposed to call, the police?