Popular jokes (11131 to 11145)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
U-turn
A farmer goes for his driving test. During the test the instructor says to the farmer, "Can you make a U - turn?"The farmer replies. "No, but I can make its eyes water."
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis
#joke #short
Stealing iPhones
There is a guy stealing iPhones around town...
At some point he’s going to face time!
#joke #short
A mime was arrested and put in
A mime was arrested and put into an invisible cell at the police station.They figured if he can't get out of an invisible box on a stage, an invisible prison cell would be twice as difficult.
#joke #short #policeman
... That I got a pre-declined
... That I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.... I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
... That CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
... If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
... Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
... McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
... Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
... A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
.. Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
... Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
... The Mafia is laying off judges.
... Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
And finally...
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
One line jokes-Contortionist
The show host declared to the packed audience that he would be talking to an out-of-work contortionist who said he could no longer make ends meet.
#joke #short
That year I had excruciating d
That year I had excruciating diarrhea was, as they say in Latin, my anus horribilis.#joke #short
Rubbing It...
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
#joke
The Perks of Being Over 40<
The Perks of Being Over 40Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
No one expects you to run into a burning building.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
Things you buy now won't wear out.
You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
You enjoy hearing arguments about pension plans.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You sing along with elevator music.
Your eyes won't get much worse.
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
Your joints are a more accurate meteorologist than the national weather service.
Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
#joke #food #dinner
Funny jokes-Under Seige
A royal castle was under siege from an infidel army. The only hope was to send one of the knights to get help, but the problem was that all of the horses had been killed in the battle.
"We must get help," said the king.
"I know," replied the leader of his army, "but we have no horses. If a knight goes on foot, he will be slain at once."
"Is there not another animal he can ride?" demanded the king. "What about that mighty wolfhound? It could surely bear the weight of a man."
"No, no," pleaded the army leader. "The wolfhound is too dangerous. Look at its snarling teeth. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."
"We must get help," said the king.
"I know," replied the leader of his army, "but we have no horses. If a knight goes on foot, he will be slain at once."
"Is there not another animal he can ride?" demanded the king. "What about that mighty wolfhound? It could surely bear the weight of a man."
"No, no," pleaded the army leader. "The wolfhound is too dangerous. Look at its snarling teeth. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."
Really funny stuff-The Chocolate rules for Dieting
The chocolate rules
- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
– Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
– The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shop in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the car park.
– Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your appetite and you will eat less.
– A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
– If you cant eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you cant eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?
– If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
– Money talks. Chocolate sings.
- Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
- If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
– Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
- If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
– Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
– The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shop in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the car park.
– Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It will take the edge off your appetite and you will eat less.
– A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
– If you cant eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you cant eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?
– If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
– Money talks. Chocolate sings.
- Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
- If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
– Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
Rudest, Slowest, and Nastiest
I had the rudest, slowest, and nastiest cashier today...
That’s the last time I use the self checkout lane!
#joke #short
I come from a village of mapma
I come from a village of mapmakers. When I left home my parents said ‘Son, never forget your routes.'#joke #short
Really funny jokes-Lion tamers
A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a man in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde woman about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm going to be honest with you, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She ignores the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
The girl says, "I'll go first." She ignores the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.
The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"
The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
