Popular jokes (11146 to 11160)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats
Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"
Yes, Theo, what is it? Asked t...
Yes, Theo, what is it? Asked the teacher.I don’t wan to alarm you, Miss Davis, but my dad said if I didn’t get better marks, someone was going to get a licking.
#joke #short
Top Ten Signs You Bought A Bad Computer
10. Lower corner of screen has the words "Etch-a-sketch" on it.
9. It's celebrity spokesman is that "Hey Vern!" guy.
8. In order to start it, you need some jumper cables and a friend's car.
7. It's slogan is "Pentium: redefining mathematics".
6. The "quick reference" manual is 120 pages long.
5. Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.
4. The screen often displays the message, "Ain't it break time yet?"
3. The manual contains only one sentence: "Good Luck!"
2. The only chip inside is a Dorito.
1. You've decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.
A young virgin couple are fina
A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father."Pop, what do I do first?"
"Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies.
So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama.
"Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies.
After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again.
"What do I do?" he asks.
His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice.
A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks.
"Well, what is he doing?" mama asks.
"He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
#joke #father
A panda walks into a bar, sits...
A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!" The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."Bible Verses
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to
visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one
house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came
to the door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back
"Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his
card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation
"Genesis 3:10".
Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and
knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will
come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the
garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
#joke
Hilarious jokes-Reward for extinguishing fire
A fire starts inside a chemical plant and the alarm goes out to fire departments miles around. After crews have been fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $100,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.
The company president walks over to reward the volunteers. "What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.
The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix the f*cking brakes on that truck."
The crews try, but no one can get through. Then another fire truck, filled with a volunteer fire company of men over 65, comes roaring down the road and drives straight into the middle of the inferno. The other men watch unbelieving as the old timers hop off of their rig and heroically extinguish the fire, saving the secret formulas.
The company president walks over to reward the volunteers. "What do you guys plan to do with the money?" the president asks the group.
The firetruck driver looks him right in the eye and answers, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is fix the f*cking brakes on that truck."
#joke
Protest Evaluation
Standard form #27B/j
Please take a few minutes to fill out this
questionaire. All answers will be kept
confidental and are used only for research
purposes.
1: How did you hear about us?
__________________________________________
2: Did you enjoy your overall experience?
___ Yes ___ No
If not, why not? _________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
3: Is this your first protest with this
(office)? ___ Yes ___ No
4: On a scale of 1 to 10, please rate the
following aspects of our service:
(circle one)
Representative access 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Employee politeness 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Toilet availability 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Snacks 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
Parking 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
5: Would you come back and protest again?
___ Yes ___ No
6: How can we make future protests more
fulfilling for you? ______________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
____________________________________________
Thank you for your time. Your answers will
help (this office) become more responsive to
protester needs as part of our service goals.
#joke
Deeper meaning
Having just completed my Part Time MBA course of 3 years at NMIMS, Mumbai, I was going through my mails regarding the final exams, and found the following note shared by a frustrated fellow student.
Deeper meaning to Education.
Education takes away 25% of your life to teach you how to throw away the other 75% of your life.
Deeper meaning to Education.
Education takes away 25% of your life to teach you how to throw away the other 75% of your life.
#joke
A blonde, a redhead, and a bru
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert. They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family. The blonde said, "Awwww, I wish my friends were here."#joke #blonde
Q: What did the hurricane say
Q: What did the hurricane say to the palm tree?A: "Better hold onto your nuts because this is no ordinary blowjob."
#joke #short
Women with beautiful hands
Women with beautiful hands advertise bracelets, rings, nail polish.Women with beautiful legs advertise stockings, tights, shoes.
Women with beautiful chest advertise bras, swimsuits, T-shirts, cars, washing machines, computer games, candy, furniture ...
#joke #short
1. Never give me work in the
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. I am psychic.
6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
#joke #food
