Popular jokes (11161 to 11175)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
“During the Christmas
“During the Christmas shopping season the department store staff became bow legged after wrapping hundreds of gifts.”
A man asks his friend for a ci
A man asks his friend for a cigarette. His friend says, "I think you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking."The man says, "I am in the process of quitting. Right now, I am in the middle of phase one."
"What's phase one?"
"I've quit buying."
Three women: one engaged, one
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"
Getting Into Heaven
After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her. "Hello!" "How are you? We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you!"
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked."Love."
The woman correctly spelled love, and Saint Peter welcomed her into heaven.
About six months later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?" her husband asked.
"Czechoslovakia."
The Painting Lesson
A Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jack, was very
interested in making a pound where he could. So he often
would thin down his paint to make it
go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this
for some time. Eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to
do a big restoration job on one of their biggest churches.
Jack put in a painting bid, and because his price
was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a
right good will, erecting the trestles and putting up the
planks and buying the paint and thinning it down with the
turpentine.
Well, Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job
nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of
thunder. The sky opened,
and rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over
the church and knocking Jack fair off the scaffold to land on
the lawn.
Now, Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the
Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God!
Forgive me! What should I do?"
From the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"
The homely lass inspired Van M
The homely lass inspired Van Morrison to write ‘Unibrow Eyed Girl'It was a blondes first day at ...
It was a blondes first day at the office. Her first task was to go out for coffee.Eager to prove her worth to her new bosses, she grabbed a large thermos and hurried to the nearby coffee shop.
She held up the thermos so that the
counterman could view it, and she asked, "Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?"
The counterman looked at the thermos and replied, "Yes. It looks like about six cups to me."
"Oh good!" the blonde sighed in relief. "Give me three regular, one black, and two decaf."
Hear about that high-tech thri
Hear about that high-tech thriller, about a submarine crew that gets lost at sea due to extreme computer failure? It's called DOS Boot. As the movie unfolds it's clear that the vessel's discipline was lax: not a mouse was stirring while some key bored personnel were in the washroom taking a FTP. The submarine was suddenly swamped by torrents of WAVs, and couldn't make it to the dock. Windows were stupidly left open, resulting in an impossible Turing radius as they were overwhelmed by the C. It was a Unix situation, and as they twirled out into the ethernet the captain radioed the nearest B-52 Flying Fortran for help. “This hertz, Mac,” he cried. “It megahertz! I need a pier-to-pier transfer.” But due to BASIC errors and faulty navigation they could not find anchor, and crashed, leaving no possibility for a SQL.Complaining about the lack of
Complaining about the lack of sunlight in some countries is an ethnic solar.bribe the jury
Shultz, a lawyer, bribed a man on the jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the prosecution. The jury was out for nearly a week before they returned to court with the manslaughter verdict. When Shultz paid the juror, he asked him if it had been hard to persuade the other jurors to get the charge of manslaughter.
"Sure did," the juror replied, "all the others wanted to acquit him."
Alphabet Letters
How many letters are there in the alphabet?
Noel, noel, noel, noel ... the angels did say...
E.T. went home.
Get rid of X. There's too many unknowns in the world already!
(Only one vowel left, or is that "Anly ana vawal laft" This may be stretching it a bit, but not unless you consider, as our good friends in Canada say: Good day, A!
And we all know that M&Ms melt in your mouth, so it's safe to count them out.
And of course, Y not.
We might as well put off using U until later in the year: See U in September
TWA just took off!!
It Is Tough Being a Monk
There was a man who was fed up with modern society, and
decided to become a Monk. He checked out a number of
monasteries and chose one he liked. The only reservation he
had with it was, he had to take a vow of silence and could
only say two words every one year. He took the vow and began
his first year of service without saying a word.
At the end of one long year he was brought before the head
of the monastery and was asked what two words he would like
to say.
His response was "FOOD BAD."
And that was it for another long year, until he was once
again allowed to say another two words. After two years of
service he was brought before the head of the monastery and
was asked what two words he would like to say.
His response was: "MORE BLANKETS."
And that was it for another long year, until he was once
again allowed to say another two words. After three years of
service he was brought before the head of the monastery and
asked what two words he would like to say.
His response was: "I QUIT!"
The head Monk answered back: "You might as well. You have
done nothing but complain since you have been here!"
Cloak & Dagger
A soldier at the Pentagon got out of the shower, and realized that his clothes were missing. While searching around for them, he accidentally locked himself out of the locker room, and he found himself completely naked in the halls of the world''s most powerful military organization HQ. But, luckily, no one was around to see him.So, he ran as fast as he could to the elevator. When it arrived, it was empty. He breathed a sigh of relief and got in. When the doors opened on his floor, there was no one waiting outside. "This must be my lucky day," he said to himself. He was now only a few yards from his office.
Suddenly, he heard footsteps coming from around the corner. He heard the General''s voice. There was no way he'd make it to his door in time, so he ducked into the closest office available, and found himself in the laboratory for Research & Development. The Head Scientist looked up from one of her experiments with puzzled interest.
The soldier thought quickly, stood up straight and saluted.
"I am here to report the partial success of the Personal Invisibility Device," he said.
"I see," the Head Scientist said. "But the Shrink Ray seems to be working perfectly."
