Popular jokes (121 to 135)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
7 Funny short jokes to wake you up
We just watched the Tetris movie.
It's a blockbuster
My family is getting sick of me telling dad jokes 24/7.
Or should I say “they are sick of me telling dad jokes 3.428571428571429”?
When I was younger I had a job pretending to be a statue.
I held that position for some time.
The new thought-activated car they're working on is going to be even more popular than the voice-activated one.
It goes without saying.
My wife is one of the clumsiest people I know.
I'm so glad she fell for me
I have two questions about this Taylor Swift lady:
What kind of clothes does she make? And how fast does she make them, really?
I can’t think of a time when I lost my toupee while riding a motorcycle.
At least not right off the top of my head.
What do you call a 400 pound alcoholic?
A heavy drinker.
The Difference Between Outlaws and In-laws
Q: What's the difference between Outlaws and In-laws?
A: Outlaws are wanted.
Typical HR
"I proposed to my girl friend last night, who just got promoted to a HR position earlier in the day."
"That is cool! What did she say?"
She said, "We will get back to you soon."
Tickle Your Tuesday: 11 Hilarious Jokes to Brighten Your Day
I really enjoy hearing all of the national anthems played at the Olympics.
I love country music.
In this hot weather, I find the best way to keep cool is to strip off and stand in front of an open refrigerator…
Now I'm banned from Asda, Sainsbury's and Morrisons!
Me: No.
Son: Hmm. I feel like maybe you're not committed to that no.
I'm gonna ask 684 more times to be sure.
My wife had a few glasses of wine and was yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church! He’s in there, you moron!”
So I asked her if we could watch something other than our wedding video?
What do a small pair of underpants and a small dancefloor have in common
No ballroom.
A friend just gave me a bag of sugar as a gift…
I thought it was very sweet!
Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
That should make the cremation a little more interesting.
Took a girl to a French restaurant, she had frog's legs and chicken breasts.
But her personality was nice.
I just watched a documentary on marijuana...
I think all documentaries should be watched this way
I don’t often roll a joint,
but when I do it’s my ankle.
They're Lidl people!
Elderly Honeymooners
Did you hear about the ninety-two-year old man who married a woman of eighty-four?
They spent their entire honeymoon getting out of the car.
53 classic hilarious short jokes
I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.
I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
No pun in 10 did.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover –
it was just collecting dust.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He’s now a seasoned veteran.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.”
Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’
Because every play has a cast.
I hate Russian dolls…
so full of themselves!
My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?”
I said: “No it doesn’t!”
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“We don’t serve your type!” shouts the barman.
I’m addicted to brake fluid, but
I can stop whenever I want.
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says:
“Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said “40”.
Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’?
There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke
timing.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He needed a little space.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
“Aye matey.”
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeoouhh.”
The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”
Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.
He’s never gonna give you Up.
My granddad has the heart of a lion and
a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!
There’s no “I” in Denial.
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly.
A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
I used to be addicted to soap, but
I’m clean now.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.
Midweek Mirth: A Collection of Short Jokes to Propel You to Friday
Did you hear about the terrible sinking of the cargo ship which was carrying shoes? Thousands of soles were lost to the sea that day. I've found something my wife's bum doesn't look big in... The distance!
My wife says the salad I make tends to be a bit on the "dry" side. It's definitely something that needs addressing.
I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.
I said, "I work with animals every day."
She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"
I replied, "I'm a butcher!"
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours…
So they called it a day!
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes.
Whats the best gift to give someone? A broken Drum. Nobody can beat it.
Great Presidents
George Washington was such a great president.
He never blamed any of the country's problems on the previous administration.
World Creativity and Innovation Day Jokes
April 21st is World Creativity and Innovation Day! Find some jokes about it!
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his laboratory door?
Because he wanted to win the "No-bell" prize!
What do you call an innovation in scissors?
Cutting-edge technology
When the first jackhammer was invented... ...it was a groundbreaking innovation!
What Is Two Plus Two?
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"
A variation
A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"
Lesbian Diet
Q: Why cant a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?
A: Because they cant eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on their face at the same time.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus...
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this : When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.
“CASE DISMISSED !!"
Great short jokes for mid-week laugh
Sadly my obese parrot just died.
But it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
As I was sitting drinking my morning cup of tea in my slippers, I thought to myself...
I really must wash some cups!
"999. Which emergency service do you require?"
"What time is the next train out of Victoria station?"
"Sir, that is not an emergency."
"It most certainly is, I'm tied to the tracks!"
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
A midget walks into a library and asked the librarian if there are any books about irony.
The librarian says yes it’s on the top shelf.
How many beans should you put in a pot of chili?
239. Just one more and it'll be too-farty.
My friend decided to get a face tattoo of his favourite Star Wars character…
You should have seen the Luke on his face!
My wife was blaming me for ruining her birthday
that's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday.
My wife was mad at me because I only spent half a minute celebrating her birthday
In my defense, she told me it was her 32nd birthday
How can you convert dollars to pounds?
By visiting McDonalds
She took me upstairs, got me to take all my clothes off and tied me to the bed..
And that’s why we aren’t allowed in IKEA anymore.
School absences
THESE ARE ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCES (SUPPOSEDLY) FROM PARENTS -- INCLUDING SPELLING.*My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
*John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
*Megan could not come to school today because she has been botheres by very close veins.
*Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.
*I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
*Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
