Popular jokes (121 to 135)

25 Running Jokes - to celebrate Global Running Day

Every year on the first Wednesday in June, people across the U.S. participate in Global Running Day. Celebrate the occasion with some running jokes to keep the fun in your run!

Why did the DJ get disqualified from the 400m sprint?
He kept changing tracks.

How did the Robot break the 400m world record?
There was short circuit!

How did the barber win the race?
He took a shortcut.

Why did the marathoner constantly play a prank on his team mate?
Because it was a running joke.

Why do runners go jogging early in the morning?
They want to finish before their brain figures out what they are doing.

How do you know your a dedicated runner?
When your treadmill has more miles on it than your car.

What do you call a free treadmill?
OUTSIDE!

What’s a sprinter’s favourite takeaway?
McDonald’s.
They love fast food!

What do a dentist and a track coach have in common?
They both use drills!

Why are the President and Vice President so fit?
Because they are running mates.

Where did the Helsinki Marathon end?
At the Finnish line.

Why shouldn't runners use a treadmill?
It'll get them nowhere!

Why did no one think Cinderella was a serious athlete?
Because everybody knew her coach was a pumpkin.

Why don’t sprinters have long careers?
Because they’re only good in the short run.

What does a runner lose after winning a race?
Their breath!

Why did the orange stop running?
It ran out of juice.

What do you call a half-marathoner?
Half crazy.

What do you call a steep hill that runners love to race up?
The psycho-path.

Why happened to the tomato that fell behind in the race?
It had to ketchup.

What happens when you run in front of a car?
You get tired.

What do you get when you jog behind a car?
Exhausted!

Why don’t they allow animals in the marathon?
Because they aren’t part of the human race.

What do sprinters snack on before the race?
Nothing, they fast!

The snowman had to give up running eventually.
He just couldn’t warm up.

The long-distance runner had a real fear of speed bumps on the road.
He’s slowly getting over it.

Elderly Honeymooners

Did you hear about the ninety-two-year old man who married a woman of eighty-four?
They spent their entire honeymoon getting out of the car.

Few classic Dad Jokes, and few very fresh

What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.

I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad
I’m a faux pa.

I changed all my passwords to 'Kenny'
Now I have all Kenny Loggins

What did the duck say when he bought the chap-stick?
Put it on my bill.

I dreamt last night that I was a muffler...
I woke up exhausted.

A friend had a new baby girl. Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: "Melanie Noelle."
Her coworker: "How do you spell it, then?"

I spent all my money collecting every bird species in my zoo, except one. My wife hates it.
But I have no egrets.

45 clean romantic Knock knock jokes

1. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to get to know you better!

2. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce go on a date and make some memories together!

3. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you want to go out with me?

4. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Amour.
Amour who?
Amour than happy to have met you!

5. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Kiss.
Kiss who?
Kiss me if I'm wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?

6. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, I'm falling for you!

7. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Charming.
Charming who?
Charming to meet you. Can I take you out for dinner?

8. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry nice to meet you. Can I have your number?

9. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid called. He wants his arrow back because I've fallen for you!

10. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Fella.
Fella who?
Fella madly in love with you!

11. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Wanda.
Wanda who?
Wanda hang out with me this weekend?

12. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Romeo.
Romeo who?
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Just kidding, let's go out!

13. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Apple-ogize for taking up your time, but can I take you out?

14. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cuddle.
Cuddle who?
Cuddle me close, and let's have a fantastic time!

15. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Prince.
Prince who?
Prince Charming has finally arrived, and he's asking you out!

16. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo, who?
Don't cry, babe, it's just me!

17. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to hold you tight!

18. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce snuggle up and watch our favorite movie together!

19. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Honeydew.
Honeydew who?
Honeydew you know how much I love you?

20. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sweetie.
Sweetie who?
Sweetie, you make my heart skip a beat!

21. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, you're the sweetest thing in my life!

22. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Darling.
Darling who?
Darling, you light up my world!

23. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry in love with you, my darling!

24. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid struck me with love the moment I met you!

25. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby.
Baby who?
Baby, you complete me!

26. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Angel.
Angel who?
Angel, you're the one I've been waiting for!

27. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Juliet.
Juliet who?
Juliet, I can't stop thinking about you!

28. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Apple.
Apple who?
Apple of my eye, you're the one for me!

29. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cuddle.
Cuddle who?
Cuddle me close, my love!

30. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Princess.
Princess who?
Princess, you're the queen of my heart!

31. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce cuddle up and create a cozy paradise of love!

32. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you, and I can't wait to explore a world of adventures with you!

33. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sugar.
Sugar who?
Sugar, you're my sweet addiction, and I can't get enough of you!

34. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Baby.
Baby who?
Baby, you light up my world like nobody else!

35. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Berry.
Berry who?
Berry lucky to have you by my side, my love!

36. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Cupid.
Cupid who?
Cupid shot an arrow, and it struck my heart when I met you!

37. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mystery.
Mystery who?
Mystery deepens when I think of you, and I'm excited to uncover it together!

38. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Prince.
Prince who?
Prince Charming might be a fairy tale, but you're my real-life prince!

39. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Flirt.
Flirt who?
Flirt with me forever, and let's keep the spark alive!

40. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Angel.
Angel who?
Angel, you bring heaven into my life, and I'm grateful for every moment with you!

41. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Daisy.
Daisy who?
Daisy, you make me smile every day, and I'm so lucky to have you!

42. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Romeo.
Romeo who?
Romeo couldn't resist knocking on your heart, and I'm here to stay!

43. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Echo.
Echo who?
Echo, you've captured my heart, and your love echoes through my soul!

44. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Sunshine.
Sunshine who?
Sunshine, you brighten up my world, and I'm forever grateful for you!

45. Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dream.
Dream who?
Dream, you're the one I've been waiting for, and being with you is a dream come true!

Midweek Mirth: A Collection of Short Jokes to Propel You to Friday

Did you hear about the terrible sinking of the cargo ship which was carrying shoes? Thousands of soles were lost to the sea that day.

I've found something my wife's bum doesn't look big in... The distance!

My wife says the salad I make tends to be a bit on the "dry" side. It's definitely something that needs addressing.

I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.
I said, "I work with animals every day."
She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"
I replied, "I'm a butcher!"

Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours…
So they called it a day!

What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes.

Whats the best gift to give someone? A broken Drum. Nobody can beat it.

Great Presidents

George Washington was such a great president.
He never blamed any of the country's problems on the previous administration.

World Creativity and Innovation Day Jokes

April 21st is World Creativity and Innovation Day! Find some jokes about it!

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his laboratory door?
Because he wanted to win the "No-bell" prize!

What do you call an innovation in scissors?
Cutting-edge technology

When the first jackhammer was invented... ...it was a groundbreaking innovation!

Tickle Your Tuesday: 11 Hilarious Jokes to Brighten Your Day

I really enjoy hearing all of the national anthems played at the Olympics.
I love country music.

In this hot weather, I find the best way to keep cool is to strip off and stand in front of an open refrigerator…
Now I'm banned from Asda, Sainsbury's and Morrisons!

Me: No.
Son: Hmm. I feel like maybe you're not committed to that no.
I'm gonna ask 684 more times to be sure.

My wife had a few glasses of wine and was yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church! He’s in there, you moron!”
So I asked her if we could watch something other than our wedding video?

What do a small pair of underpants and a small dancefloor have in common
No ballroom.

A friend just gave me a bag of sugar as a gift…
I thought it was very sweet!

Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

Took a girl to a French restaurant, she had frog's legs and chicken breasts.
But her personality was nice.

I just watched a documentary on marijuana...
I think all documentaries should be watched this way

I don’t often roll a joint,
but when I do it’s my ankle.

Midgets don't shop at Aldi…
They're Lidl people!

53 classic hilarious short jokes

I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.

I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
No pun in 10 did.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover –
it was just collecting dust.

Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He’s now a seasoned veteran.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.”

Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’
Because every play has a cast.

I hate Russian dolls…
so full of themselves!

My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?”
I said: “No it doesn’t!”

Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“We don’t serve your type!” shouts the barman.

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but
I can stop whenever I want.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.

I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says:
“Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.

Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.

This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.

This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said “40”.

Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’?
There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke
timing.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He needed a little space.

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
“Aye matey.”

How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeoouhh.”
The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”

Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.

What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.

Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.
He’s never gonna give you Up.

My granddad has the heart of a lion and
a lifetime ban from London Zoo.

I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again.

What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.

What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!

There’s no “I” in Denial.

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”

Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.

What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.

I used to be addicted to soap, but
I’m clean now.

What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.

Young Deer

A young deer in the woods learned to use all four hooves equally well...
He was known to be bambidextrous.

What Is Two Plus Two?

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four."
The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four."
The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"

A variation

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.
Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?"
The mathematician answered immediately, "Four."
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one."
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?"

School absences

THESE ARE ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCES (SUPPOSEDLY) FROM PARENTS -- INCLUDING SPELLING.

*My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

*John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

*Megan could not come to school today because she has been botheres by very close veins.

*Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.

*I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.

*Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Phone Issues

I just love it when you are at a play or movie theater and they make the announcement, "Please silence your cell phones..."
Why do they have to announce that?
I mean how many people are carrying around a landline phone?

A man with a stuttering proble

A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."
The man asks, "W-w-what's the c-c-cure, d-d-doctor?"
The doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches."
The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.
Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"
The doctor responds, "N-n-no w-w-way!"

New 2023 Thanksgiving jokes

What kind of dessert sticks to the wall?
Pie-der Man!

What do you call roasted vegetables that run from the kitchen to the table?
Hustle Sprouts!

Need more Thanksgiving jokes? We have huge Thanksgiving jokes collection

If the Mayflower brought the Pilgrims, what brought their dogs?
The Collie-flower!

What do you call the ghost of a turkey?
A poultry-geist!

Why are turkeys always grumbling?
They’re in a fowl mood!

Has this meat juice been listening to Joe Rogan?
It’s so baste!

How did the turkey get to Thanksgiving?
He rode the gravy train!

Why did the turkey’s dad make him eat nothing but stale bread?
To stuffin’ him up!

Why did the turkey cross the road?
He was trying to convince people he was a chicken!

These used to be plain old cranberries. Now, they’re a flying sauce-er!
(throw cranberry sauce across the room)