Popular jokes (121 to 135)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems...
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away.""Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
World Creativity and Innovation Day Jokes
April 21st is World Creativity and Innovation Day! Find some jokes about it!
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his laboratory door?
Because he wanted to win the "No-bell" prize!
What do you call an innovation in scissors?
Cutting-edge technology
When the first jackhammer was invented... ...it was a groundbreaking innovation!
25 Running Jokes - to celebrate Global Running Day
Every year on the first Wednesday in June, people across the U.S. participate in Global Running Day. Celebrate the occasion with some running jokes to keep the fun in your run!
Why did the DJ get disqualified from the 400m sprint?
He kept changing tracks.
How did the Robot break the 400m world record?
There was short circuit!
How did the barber win the race?
He took a shortcut.
Why did the marathoner constantly play a prank on his team mate?
Because it was a running joke.
Why do runners go jogging early in the morning?
They want to finish before their brain figures out what they are doing.
How do you know your a dedicated runner?
When your treadmill has more miles on it than your car.
What do you call a free treadmill?
OUTSIDE!
What’s a sprinter’s favourite takeaway?
McDonald’s.
They love fast food!
What do a dentist and a track coach have in common?
They both use drills!
Why are the President and Vice President so fit?
Because they are running mates.
Where did the Helsinki Marathon end?
At the Finnish line.
Why shouldn't runners use a treadmill?
It'll get them nowhere!
Why did no one think Cinderella was a serious athlete?
Because everybody knew her coach was a pumpkin.
Why don’t sprinters have long careers?
Because they’re only good in the short run.
What does a runner lose after winning a race?
Their breath!
Why did the orange stop running?
It ran out of juice.
What do you call a half-marathoner?
Half crazy.
What do you call a steep hill that runners love to race up?
The psycho-path.
Why happened to the tomato that fell behind in the race?
It had to ketchup.
What happens when you run in front of a car?
You get tired.
What do you get when you jog behind a car?
Exhausted!
Why don’t they allow animals in the marathon?
Because they aren’t part of the human race.
What do sprinters snack on before the race?
Nothing, they fast!
The snowman had to give up running eventually.
He just couldn’t warm up.
The long-distance runner had a real fear of speed bumps on the road.
He’s slowly getting over it.
Midweek Mirth: A Collection of Short Jokes to Propel You to Friday
Did you hear about the terrible sinking of the cargo ship which was carrying shoes? Thousands of soles were lost to the sea that day. I've found something my wife's bum doesn't look big in... The distance!
My wife says the salad I make tends to be a bit on the "dry" side. It's definitely something that needs addressing.
I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.
I said, "I work with animals every day."
She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"
I replied, "I'm a butcher!"
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours…
So they called it a day!
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes.
Whats the best gift to give someone? A broken Drum. Nobody can beat it.
Public Service Joke
June 23rd is United Nations Public Service Day! Find joke about it!
A man goes to the post office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever served in the military?"
"Yes," he says. "I was in Iraq for two years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points towards employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles."
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!
Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations, you've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 pm.
You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day."
The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our...
you know what.
No point in you coming in for that.
#unitednationspublicserviceday #publicserviceday
Wonder Woman and Spider-Man
What would Wonder Woman and Spider-Man name their business?
Amazon Web Services.
School absences
THESE ARE ACTUAL SCHOOL ABSENCES (SUPPOSEDLY) FROM PARENTS -- INCLUDING SPELLING.*My son is under a doctor's care today and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
*Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
*Dear School: Please ekscuse John for being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
*Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
*Please excuse Roland frrom P.E. for a few days. Yesterday, he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
*John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
*Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
*Megan could not come to school today because she has been botheres by very close veins.
*Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.
*Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
*Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
*Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
*Please excuse Jim for being. It was his father's fault.
*I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
*Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
*Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
*My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
*Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
*Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
*Please excuse brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.
*Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best, either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
53 classic hilarious short jokes
I waited and stayed up all night and tried to figure out where the sun was.
Then it dawned on me.
I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.
No pun in 10 did.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I’ve decided to sell my Hoover –
it was just collecting dust.
Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floorboards?
He was just going through a stage.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.
So I had to put my foot down.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.
A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police.
He’s now a seasoned veteran.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks!” I said “Don’t mention it.”
Why do we tell actors to ‘break a leg?’
Because every play has a cast.
I hate Russian dolls…
so full of themselves!
My friend says to me: “What rhymes with orange?”
I said: “No it doesn’t!”
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“We don’t serve your type!” shouts the barman.
I’m addicted to brake fluid, but
I can stop whenever I want.
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
A labracadabrador.
I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road.
I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says:
“Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday.
Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles.
For days he kept leaving little messages around the house.
This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
This is your captain speaking,
AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING.
My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said “40”.
Hear about the new restaurant called ‘Karma’?
There’s no menu, you only get what you deserve.
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke
timing.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He needed a little space.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
“Aye matey.”
How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Two whales walk into a bar. The first one says, “Weeoouhh.”
The next whale says, “Shut up, Steve. You’re drunk.”
Why did the chicken go to the séance?
To get to the other side.
What’s E.T. short for?
He’s only got little legs.
Where are average things manufactured?
The satisfactory.
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one.
He’s never gonna give you Up.
My granddad has the heart of a lion and
a lifetime ban from London Zoo.
I went on a once in a lifetime holiday.
Never again.
What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
It takes a lot of balls to golf like me.
What does a nosy pepper do?
Gets jalapeño business!
There’s no “I” in Denial.
Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?
They always take things literally.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly.
A man tells his doctor, “Help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I’m not following you.”
Exaggerations went up by a million percent last year.
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?
A receding hare-line.
I used to be addicted to soap, but
I’m clean now.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
I was wondering, why does a frisbee appear larger the closer it gets? Then it hit me.
Phone Issues
I just love it when you are at a play or movie theater and they make the announcement, "Please silence your cell phones..."
Why do they have to announce that?
I mean how many people are carrying around a landline phone?
Money Woes
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck...
But through hard work, time and perseverance...
I now live direct deposit to direct deposit!
New 2023 Thanksgiving jokes
What kind of dessert sticks to the wall?
Pie-der Man!
What do you call roasted vegetables that run from the kitchen to the table?
Hustle Sprouts!
Need more Thanksgiving jokes? We have huge Thanksgiving jokes collection
If the Mayflower brought the Pilgrims, what brought their dogs?
The Collie-flower!
What do you call the ghost of a turkey?
A poultry-geist!
Why are turkeys always grumbling?
They’re in a fowl mood!
Has this meat juice been listening to Joe Rogan?
It’s so baste!
How did the turkey get to Thanksgiving?
He rode the gravy train!
Why did the turkey’s dad make him eat nothing but stale bread?
To stuffin’ him up!
Why did the turkey cross the road?
He was trying to convince people he was a chicken!
These used to be plain old cranberries. Now, they’re a flying sauce-er!
(throw cranberry sauce across the room)
Few classic Dad Jokes, and few very fresh
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad
I’m a faux pa.
I changed all my passwords to 'Kenny'
Now I have all Kenny Loggins
What did the duck say when he bought the chap-stick?
Put it on my bill.
I dreamt last night that I was a muffler...
I woke up exhausted.
A friend had a new baby girl. Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: "Melanie Noelle."
Her coworker: "How do you spell it, then?"
I spent all my money collecting every bird species in my zoo, except one. My wife hates it.
But I have no egrets.
A man with a stuttering proble
A man with a stuttering problem tries everything he can to stop stuttering, but he can't. Finally, he goes to a world renowned doctor for help. The doctor examines him and says "I've found your problem. Your penis is 12 inches long. It weighs so much it is pulling on your lungs, causing you to stutter."The man asks, "W-w-what's the c-c-cure, d-d-doctor?"
The doctor replies, "We have to cut off 6 inches."
The man thinks about it, and eager to cure his stuttering, agrees to the operation. The operation is a success, and he stops stuttering.
Two months later he calls the doctor and tells him that since he had the 6 inches cut off, all of his girlfriends have dumped him, and his love life has gone down the tubes. He wants the doctor to operate to put back the six inches. Not hearing anything on the line, he repeats himself, "Hey doc, didn't you hear me? I want my 6 inches back!"
The doctor responds, "N-n-no w-w-way!"
