Popular jokes (106 to 120)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Balloon Prank Fake Out
April Fool's Day is coming up, so you need to be prepared with an arsenal of hilarious pranks that you can play on friends, family members and bitter enemies. Monster Under My Bed
Son: "Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!"
Dad: "Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed."
Ham Dinner
My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill.
"Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000."
Appointment With My Cardiologist
I had an appointment with my cardiologist yesterday and on his door it read 8 to 5.
I left immediately!
Why?
I have to have better odds than that.
Who Wants to be a Millionaire
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" had reached the final plateau.If she answered the next question correctly, she would win$1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.As she suspected it would be, the million- dollar question was no pushover. It was: Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is itA) the condor;
B) the buzzard;
C) the cuckoo; or
D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, it would seem to be the logicalthing to do. On the other hand -- the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. "I need an answer," said Regis. Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. "Yes, that is my final answer."
Two seconds later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that the answer is-...... absolutely correct.You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire.And do you want to know something? It was your assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way......how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on!" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks."
The Diving Board
A man was on the very top diving board of a swimming pool.
He was poised, he lifted his arms, and was about to dive in when the attendant came running up, shouting, “Don’t dive, there’s no water in that pool!”
“That’s all right!” said the man. “I can’t swim!”
Police Officer in Bed
What happens when a police officer gets into bed?
He becomes an undercover cop.
21 Bastille Day jokes
Bastille Day is the national day of France, which is celebrated on 14 July each year. Have fun with some revolutionary jokes!
What is the most important part of jokes about the French Revolution?
The execution.
Do you know that the French Revolution was kind of a pain in the neck?
But once it was over it was a weight off of some people’s shoulders.
What did the Aristocrat say when he heard the French Revolution happening in the streets?
"Oh! What a peasant surprise!"
Did you hear the one about Bastille Day?
It’s a riot.
Why is the French Revolution just like Prohibition?
They both got rid of Bourbon!
Why did King Louis despise the peasants?
He found them revolting.
What’s your funniest pickup line for Bastille Day?
"Hey girl, are you the French Revolution?
Because I keep imagining you sans-culottes!"
Have you ever seen the play about the French Revolution?
The scene with Marie Antoinette was perfectly executed.
Do you know that anyone can use our Bastille Day jokes?
It’s royalty free.
How do Americans celebrate Bastille Day?
By storming their wine cellar.
A kid was talking to his dad about Bastille Day. He said, "Isn’t that the day when everyone robs all the fish from the water?
" "Bass-steal day".
What do they call Independence Day in France?
A Royale-free with cheese!
Why is the rooster France’s national emblem?
It’s the only bird that still sings when it’s standing on a shit pile.
Have you heard about Bastille Day?
Its the last time the French showed any balls.
Why do French bakers always bake extra bread on Bastille Day?
Because they know everyone’s going to "storm" their bakery!/p>
What was the primary role of the aristocrats during the French Revolution?
They put their head into it.
Why don’t they play cards in France on Bastille Day?
Because everyone’s afraid of the "revolutionary" hand!
During the French Revolution, what was the executioner’s catchphrase?
"First come, first severed!"
Why are fireworks set off on Bastille Day?
It’s the only way to make a louder bang than the one made when they stormed the Bastille!
What is the difference between Bastille Day and the 4th Of July?
Bastille Day is just like the Fourth of July except it takes place in France and Americans don’t care about it!
A French nobleman’s estate was destroyed during the French Revolution.
The results were château-strophic.
I'm Still Standing!
With Elton John being 76, now when you hear him saying "I'm Still Standing!"
That means he's waiting for someone to bring him a chair.
Going To A Nude Beach
My friend bought a bus pass to a nude beach.
It turned out to be a ticket to no wear.
The Accident That's About to Happen
Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.
Wife: Who is Sabrina?
Looking For A New Accountant
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn’t your company just hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”
The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
To make it stand, you wet it.
To make it stand, you wet it.To make it wet, you suck it.
To make it stiff, you lick it.
To get It in, you push it.
Threading a needle of course, get your mind out of the the gutter!
