Popular jokes (136 to 150)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Ham Dinner
My wife and I were dining out at a nice restaurant. I overheard the couple at the next table discussing their bill.
"Well Mary," said the man, "Near as I can figure, based of the price of the ham dinner you just ate, we got a hog back on the farm that's worth at least $137,000."
To make it stand, you wet it.
To make it stand, you wet it.To make it wet, you suck it.
To make it stiff, you lick it.
To get It in, you push it.
Threading a needle of course, get your mind out of the the gutter!
The Angry Wife
One evening I was in a bar talking to my friend.
"Last night, while I was out drinking, a burglar broke into my house.."
"Did he get anything?" asked my friend.
"Yes," I said.
"A broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken ribs. My wife thought it was me coming home drunk!"
I'm Still Standing!
With Elton John being 76, now when you hear him saying "I'm Still Standing!"
That means he's waiting for someone to bring him a chair.
Few classic Dad Jokes, and few very fresh
What do sprinters eat before a race?
Nothing, they fast.
I tell dad jokes all the time even though I’m not actually a dad
I’m a faux pa.
I changed all my passwords to 'Kenny'
Now I have all Kenny Loggins
What did the duck say when he bought the chap-stick?
Put it on my bill.
I dreamt last night that I was a muffler...
I woke up exhausted.
A friend had a new baby girl. Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: "Melanie Noelle."
Her coworker: "How do you spell it, then?"
I spent all my money collecting every bird species in my zoo, except one. My wife hates it.
But I have no egrets.
25 Sushi jokes to celebrate International Sushi Day
June 18th is International Sushi Day! Have Sushi and some jokes!
My girlfriend hated my obsession with Japanese food.
Sushi left me.
Q: What is my preferred type of sushi?
A: Payroll.
Q: What did the sushi say to the bee?
A: Wasabi!
Q: What pan is the best to make sushi in?
A: Japan.
Q: How do sushi rolls apologize?
A: They “soy-rry.”
Q: Why don’t Wookies like sushi?
A: They think it’s a little Chewie.
Q: What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
A: Sushi roll.
Q: What did the sushi say to the sushi chef?
A: “I’m on a roll!”
Q: HoW does Lady Gaga like her sushi?
A: Ra-ra-raw-raw Ra-ra-raw-raw.
Q: How do sushi rolls stay calm under pressure?
A: They practice “maki-ng” wise decisions.
Q: What kind of car did the famous sushi chef drive?
A: A Rolls Rice.
Q: Why didn’t the sushi chef want to talk about the restaurant accident?
A: Because it was still very raw.
Q: What’s a soldier’s favorite type of sushi?
A: A combat roll.
Q: Why was the sushi detained?
A: He seemed fishy.
Q: When asked why he enjoys being in a sushi roll, what did the fish respond?
A: “It makes Miso happy,” he remarked.
Q: What did the one sushi roll say to the other during a friendly dinner?
A: “We’re ‘soy’ good together!”
Q: Why did the sushi go to the beach?
A: Because it wanted to become a California roll!
Q: When does the sushi chef spread Nutella on top of the salmon roll?
A: When customers request salmonella!
Q: Why did the sushi roll down the hill?
A: Because it couldn’t roll up.
Q: Why do lions love sushi?
A: Because it's roar!
Q: What do you call sushi that’s on sale?
A: A raW deal.
I asked my mum to buy me some raw fish for tea...
Sushi did!
Sushi addicts never argue,
they just roll with it.
Q: What do you call sushi with a tie?
A: So-fish-ticated
Q: What did the sushi say to the traveler?
A: You can’t sushi the world without me!
Going To A Nude Beach
My friend bought a bus pass to a nude beach.
It turned out to be a ticket to no wear.
Hand-Me-Downs
Joe: When I would wear my hand-me-downs to school, all the boys would make fun of me.
Moe: What did you do?
Joe: I hit them over the head with my purse.
The Accident That's About to Happen
Husband: Babe, after work I had an accident. Sabrina took me to the hospital. After various tests, they said I was in a bad state with cervical dislocation, multiple facial injuries. Also, they will have to amputate my right leg.
Wife: Who is Sabrina?
Looking For A New Accountant
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, “Didn’t your company just hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?”
The businessman replies, “That’s the accountant we’re looking for.”
Christmas tree and an iPad
Q: What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?
A: A pineapple.
Driving Me Out of my Mind
Mindy: "I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car."
Missy: "Really? How did you do it?'
Mindy: "I opened the door and pushed him out."
A blonde, a brunette, and a re
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""? The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".
The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.
The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"? She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".
Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"
After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"
The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"
She starts singing "Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahh Dah Dah ..."
(The theme song for Indiana Jones)
