Popular jokes (136 to 150)Jokes sorted by popularity on social networks. Popularity is sum of all all comments, likes, pluses, tweets, etc. is new measure, independant from rating with our star rating system. |
Great short jokes for mid-week laugh
Sadly my obese parrot just died.
But it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
As I was sitting drinking my morning cup of tea in my slippers, I thought to myself...
I really must wash some cups!
"999. Which emergency service do you require?"
"What time is the next train out of Victoria station?"
"Sir, that is not an emergency."
"It most certainly is, I'm tied to the tracks!"
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
A midget walks into a library and asked the librarian if there are any books about irony.
The librarian says yes it’s on the top shelf.
How many beans should you put in a pot of chili?
239. Just one more and it'll be too-farty.
My friend decided to get a face tattoo of his favourite Star Wars character…
You should have seen the Luke on his face!
My wife was blaming me for ruining her birthday
that's ridiculous, I didn't even know it was her birthday.
My wife was mad at me because I only spent half a minute celebrating her birthday
In my defense, she told me it was her 32nd birthday
How can you convert dollars to pounds?
By visiting McDonalds
She took me upstairs, got me to take all my clothes off and tied me to the bed..
And that’s why we aren’t allowed in IKEA anymore.
Lesbian Diet
Q: Why cant a lesbian go on a diet and wear makeup at the same time?
A: Because they cant eat Jenny Craig and have Mary Kay on their face at the same time.
Wonder Woman and Spider-Man
What would Wonder Woman and Spider-Man name their business?
Amazon Web Services.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus...
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this : When the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are coming” and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, “Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident”, I just lost it.
“CASE DISMISSED !!"
16 Yoga Jokes - to celebrate International Day of Yoga in 2024
The International Day of Yoga is a day in recognition of Yoga, that is celebrated across the world annually on June 21. Have some fun with Yoga jokes
Surveys show that 80% of women who wear yoga pants never do yoga …
And 100% of men don’t care.
My sister told me yoga is the best form of exercise in the world.
I said, "that's a bit of stretch."
They tried to kick me out of my yoga class the other day...
But I just told them "Nah'm'a stay."
What do you call an injury you get at yoga class?
Yoghurt.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I don't like people who do Yoga.
They're a bunch of posers if you aske me.
Pickup line: “Hey, were those yoga pants on sale?”.
“Because at my place, they’d be 100% off.”
What do you call a communist doing yoga?
Stretch Marx
Why are weightlifters so good at yoga?
They have great flex-ability
I told my yoga instructor I wanted to be able to do the splits.
She asked how flexible I was.
I told her I couldn't come on Tuesdays.
Yogi walked into Pizza place:
"Make me one with everything."
When the Yogi got the pizza, payed with a $20 bill.
The proprietor pocketed the bill.
The Yogi said:
"Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said:
"Change must come from within."
Why did the yogi start a gardening business?
To help people find their inner peas.
Why did the yoga teacher join a band?
Because she could really hit the high notes in Om.
What's a yogi's favorite car?
A: A Mercedes Bends!
What did the dyslexic cow say in yoga class?
Oooooom.
Why did the yoga instructor go to jail?
Because she refused to follow the stretch rules.
Holding onto the saddle horn
A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when hercar broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her aride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rodeoff.The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would letout a 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surroundinghills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station,yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
'What did you do to get that Indian so excited?' asked the service-stationattendant.
'Nothing,' the woman answered. 'I merely sat behind him on thehorse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so Iwouldn't fall off.'
'Lady,' the attendant said, 'Indians don't use saddles.
A priest, a doctor, and an eng...
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Life is too short to be serious
Life is too short to be serious all the time. So if you can't laugh at yourself, call me and i will laugh at you. 
A blonde, a brunette, and a re
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead show up for the same job interview. The brunette is the first one to go in, and after filling out the forms and going through the questions, the interviewer decides to ask her last question:"How many D's are there in "INDIANA JONES""? The brunette thinks for a second and responds "One".
The interviewer sends her back with a promise that he'll get back to her after he had interviewed the remaining candidates.
The redhead is next. The process goes about the same, and at the end: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES"? She immediately says "One". The interviewer says, "OK, we'll let you know".
Then the blonde comes into the room, goes through the questions, and finally gets asked: "How many D's are there in INDIANA JONES". She gets a very serious look on her face and starts counting her fingers, muttering: "2, 4, 6 ...., hmmm - wait,... 2, 4, 6 .... can I borrow your calculator please?"
After going through 15 minutes of intense calculating, she finally comes up with the answer: "Thirty two"
The interviewer is stunned and asks her: "Ok, now tell me, how the hell did you arrive at this answer?"
She starts singing "Da Da Dah Dahhh Dah Dah Da Da Dah Dahh Dah Dah ..."
(The theme song for Indiana Jones)
Shortest books
The Shortest Books Ever Written.
1000 Years of German Humor
Everything Men Know About Women
The Code of Ethics for Lawyers
Italian War Heroes
Who's who in Puerto Rico
Americans' Guide to Etiquette
Royal Family's Guide to Good Marriages
Safe Places to Travel in the USA
Jerry Garcia's Guide to Beating Drug Addiction
Contraception by Pope John Paul II
Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
Cooking Gourmet Dishes With Tofu
Gun Control for The New Millenium: NRA Handbook
Chinese takeaway
I ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place, just been to pick it up and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!
I thought what on Earth is that. Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me.
I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out from behind the prawn crackers.
I thought it’s got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
... A Peking Duck!
Image by piyalis14 from Pixabay
Joke found on https://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Phrases-and-Sayings/Jokes/Question1467998.html posted by Butterbun on Sun 10th Jan 2016, alternative versions exist on many other joke sites
Statistics
The 50-50-90 rule:
If you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right...
There’s a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
And Scene
"Are you an actress, auntie?"
"No darling, why do you ask?"
"Because Daddy says whenever you come over, we have a scene."
