Animal jokes (166 to 180)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 166 to 180. |
17 Dad jokes and puns for Father's day
Third Sunday of June is Father's Day. Check out Jokes for Father's Day to share with your father.
Cowboys hung lanterns from their saddles at night,
It's the first example of Saddle Light Navigation...
Prison may be just one word to you.
But to others, it’s a whole sentence
Why did the kids think a blanket was the perfect Father's Day gift?
They thought dad was the coolest.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
How do dads like their steak on Father's Day?
On a plate.
Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
If they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist?
It lost its filling.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A stick.
Did I tell you I ordered both a chicken and an egg from Amazon?
I'll let you know.
Did I tell you I dreamt about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night?
Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
You know why you should avoid the new Lego store when it opens tomorrow?
People will be lined up for blocks. I don't have a dad bod.
It's a father figure.
There's something about those trees I just don't trust.
They seem kind of shady.
My wife laughed when I said I could make a car out of macaroni.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!
I used to play piano by ear
but now I use my hands.
You did a grape job
raisin me, dad.
Dad, you're a real
fungi.
Another 14 Dad jokes, be ready for Father's Day
Get your Dad jokes ready on time! Third Sunday of June is Father's Day, have fun with these!
1. Scientists say that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars.
I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stone in weight and developed type 2 diabetes!
2. I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
I could really see myself doing it.
3. What did the kid Pirate say to the Mom Pirate?
Arrrn’t you glad you met Dad?
4. How do astronomers organise a party?
They planet!
5. I made a soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!
6. When does a regular joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
7. It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
8. Anyone remember that chiropractor joke I shared?
It was about a weak back.
9. I recently visited the "World's Tiniest Wind Turbine" exhibit.
Honestly, not a big fan.
10. I can’t bring my dog to the pond anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that’s what I get for getting a pure bread dog.
11. I only seem to get sick on weekdays.
I must have a weekend immune system.
12. What did the triangle say to the circle?
You’re pointless.
13. Hey, Dad, did you get a haircut?
Nope, I got them all cut
14. Where do pigs like to relax?
In hammocks
14 Dad Jokes to prepare for Father's Day
Third Sunday of June is Father's Day in some countries! Get your jokes ready on time!
Thought I saw my first ever real life super hero today.
He was running down our street wearing a cape...
Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut!
How many crime writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it has to have a really good twist at the end!
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky!
My wife called me and said, "I've found a dead bee in the sink, what do I do?"
I said, "Get a spoon and flush it down the toilet."
A few minutes later she said,
"I've done that, but what about the bee?"
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
I recently joined a support group for people who talk a lot.
We call ourselves On and On Anon.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
I yelled "Cow!" at a woman on a bike...
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
What did the zero say to the eight?
That belt looks good on you.
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They might crack up.
What did the big flower say to the little flower?
"Hi, bud!"
What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
23 short rabbit jokes and puns
What do you call a happy rabbit?
A hop-timist.
What is a rabbit’s favorite music?
Hip-hop.
What do you call a rabbit that’s raised indoors?
An in-grown hare.
What do you get if you cross a frog with a rabbit?
A bunny ribbit.
What did the rabbit give his girlfriend?
A 14-carrot ring.
Where do rabbits work?
At IHOP.
How do you know a rabbit is in a good mood?
He’s hoppy.
How do rabbits travel?
By hareplane.
What do you call a bunny transformer?
Hop-timus Prime.
Where do rabbits go after their wedding?
On their bunnymoon.
How does the Easter bunny stay fit?
Eggsercise and hareobics.
Why did the bunnies go on strike?
Because they wanted a better celery.
What do you call 50 rabbits walking backwards?
A receding hare line.
What did the bunny say to the carrot?
It’s been nice gnawing you.
A friend of mine stole a rabbit.
Then he had to make a run for it.
I bought a bunny because everyone needs
a friend who is all ears.
I used to own a rabbit,
but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
The Easter Bunny won’t be making his usual rounds this year.
He’s laid up with a hareline fracture.
I bought my rabbit a fancy new hutch.
But he doesn’t seem to carrot all.
You must be the Easter Bunny,
because you’ve got me all egg-cited.
I know a bald chap who put a rabbit on his head.
He wanted a head of hare.
Got in a lift with an animal that looked a bit like a rabbit.
It was a hare-raising experience.
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns.
They are not bunny anymore.
Monday is better when it starts with new Jokes
If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't...
"bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".
I asked a pretty, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.
When you go to church in the morning you say, "Amen." Cunninghams Law - "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong". Where do bad rainbows go? Which is faster, hot or cold? Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication? NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to all the aliens… It was a bleak day when we heard about the explosion down at the animal shelter…
But what is of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.
Prism.
It's a light sentence.
Hot, because you can catch a cold
For hispanic attacks.
They are calling it Apollo G!
It was raining cats and dogs!
Time Machine
A scientist was convinced that his recent Time Machine invention could also double as a replicator.
To prove this, he sent his pet duck 1 minute and 2 minutes into the future simultaneously.
After a minute, the first duck appeared unharmed.
The second duck materialized and both ducks were instantly annihilated.
The appearance of the second duck had created a pair of ducks.
by Jester57
Gin Jokes - to celebrate World Gin Day
Second Saturday in June is World Gin Day. Celebrate it with short jokes
They say gin can damage your short-term memory.
If that's the case, just imagine what gin can do.
I love water -
especially when it's frozen in cubes and surrounded by gin.
An Oxford comma walks into a bar -
and orders a gin, and tonic.
I tried to say no to gin -
but it's 42.5% stronger than me
A true friend reaches for your hand …
and puts a glass of gin in it.
Charles Dickens: A martini please.
Bartender: Olive or twist?
A gorilla goes up to a bar and asks for a gin and tonic.
The bartender makes the G&T and says: "That'll be £20 - and I must say we don't get many gorillas in here."
The gorilla replies: "With prices like that, I'm not surprised."
Woman: I love you.
Man: Is that you or the gin talking?
Woman: It's me talking to the gin.
Don't cry over spilt milk:
it could have been gin.
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin.
Then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass
"Trust me you can dance."
- Gin
PLEASE DRINK GIN RESPONSIBLY.
Don't spill it.
Neutron: How much is a G&T?
Bartender: For you - no charge.
I'm on a gin and tonic diet:
I lost three days last week.
Ant jokes, lighter jokes, and few more
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One weighs a ton, and the other is a little lighter.
Three men were in a boat and had four cigarettes, but no lighter,
So they threw one cigarette overboard,
and the whole boat became a cigarette lighter.
I used to be a programmer for autocorrect
They fried me for no raisin
I have the body of a 24 year old....
but it's in the freezer
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, it’s girl ant, but if it floats…
Its impossible for viruses to spread throughout an ant colony?
Because of all the little antey bodies.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Why do Norwegian warships have a barcode on the side of them?
So that they can Scandinavian
I bought shoes from a drug dealer.
I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
Several food jokes, and few more
What do you call a fake noodle?
An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you.
It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry?
Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it?
A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party?
You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week...
and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese,
but I think that I may have greater problems.
Monday is easier with funny jokes
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar...
Followed by Batman!
A man came to my door asking if I wanted to buy two armchairs and a sofa.
I told him I never accept suites from strangers!
I tried to explain to my four-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poo your pants…
But he's still making fun of me!
Scientists have invented a car that runs on parsley…
They hope to use this technology to make trains run on thyme!
My dad quit his job to pursue his dream in archeology
His career is now in ruins.
What is the difference between archeology and grave robbing?
About 500 years
What’s the difference between good archeology jokes and bad archeology jokes?
It depends on how deep it goes.
I misunderstood pride month…
Would anyone like to buy 15 lions?
Canine tooth
A dog and a cat are having an argument about which one a human prefers.
The dog says, "Humans like us more. They have even named a tooth after us!"
The cat smiles and says, "You are really not going to win this one you know!"
A Termite walks into a bar
And says is the bar tender here
8 new jokes for Happy Friday
1. A guy tried to tell me about a tool that makes holes in hard materials, but I stopped him.
I know the drill.
2. Never fall in love with a tennis player.
Love means nothing to them.
3. Why did the cows keep returning to the field of marijuana?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
4. 5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants
Now they're tenants
5. What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?
An Uber.
6. How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?
They know what grams are.
7. A man sees his buddy carrying a box.
"What's that?" he ask.
"Oh, I got a case of beer for my wife."
Man nods sagely, "Good trade."
8. Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?
Me: I went to Yale during this time period.
Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!
Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!
4. 5 ants rented an apartment with another 5 ants
Now they're tenants
5. What do you call a hot babe you met at a party that's blackout drunk?
An Uber.
6. How do you know if an American sold drugs in high school?
They know what grams are.
7. A man sees his buddy carrying a box.
"What's that?" he ask.
"Oh, I got a case of beer for my wife."
Man nods sagely, "Good trade."
8. Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?
Me: I went to Yale during this time period.
Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!
Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!
Marriage jokes, and few more fresh ones
There are 3 rings in a marriage...
Engagement ring...
Wedding ring...
Suffer ring!
Why would you want to marry a geologist?
They'll make your bed rock.
My wife told me that none of my bee jokes are funny.
I told her that really stung.
Monk goes to heaven and is studying in the Library. Suddenly he screams with grief and rage.
"It says celebrate!"
What do you call someone who only believes in 12.5% of the bible?
An eighth-theist.
A chemist froze himself at -273.15°C.
Everyone said he was crazy,
but he was 0K.
Why aren't koalas considered bears?
They don't have the koalafications
