Animal jokes (2116 to 2130)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 2116 to 2130. |
The interested doctor
A concerned woman phones a doctor and says, "Doctor, I'm worried about my husband. He thinks he's a dog!"
"I'm coming over right away," the doctor says.
When the doctor arrives, the woman opens the door, and her husband, on all four, starts wagging his bottom and licking the doctor's hand.
"Interesting", the doctor says, startled. "I'll examine him. Make him lie down on the sofa."
"Doctor", the woman says, "I can't! He's not allowed the sofa!"
A No-frills Airline
You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:
- They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
- All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
- Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
- If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
- You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
- Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
- The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
- When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
- The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
- You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
- No movie. Don't need one.
- Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
- You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
- All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
1. If you are choking on an ic
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto!2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink..
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer..
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button .
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Question Answer 05
Our team is doing so badly that "Manager of the Month" isn't an award.
It's an appointment!
Did you hear about the football team who ate too much pudding?
They got jellygated!
Which insect didn't play well in goal?
The fumble bee!
What did the bumble bee striker say?
Hive scored!
What is black and white and black and white and black and white?
A Newcastle fan rolling down a hill!
What are Brazilian fans called?
Brazil nuts!
Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!
How do hens encourage their football teams?
They egg them on!
A cowboy goes down to the stab
A cowboy goes down to the stable, lifts his horse's tail, and plants a kiss smack dab on the horses butthole. Another cowboy sees this and yells, "What the hell are you doing?" He replies, "I've got chapped lips." The other cowboy asks, "Does that help?" "Nope," he answers, "It just keeps me from licking them.""Managing senior programmers i
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt"Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they aresubtle and will piss on your computer." --BruceGraham
"There is no snooze button on a cat who wantsbreakfast." --Unknown
"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped asgods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous
"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight catsto pull a sled through the snow." --Jeff Valdez
"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb
"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen Perry Berkeley
"One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemmingway
"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a messageand get back to you later." --Mary Bly
"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they aresubject to a good many ailments, but I never heard ofone who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch
"People that hate cats, will come back as mice intheir next life." --Faith Resnick
"There are many intelligent species in the universe.They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous
"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. Thewisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --HippolyteTaine
"No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my catsare there to welcome me." --Unknown
"There are two means of refuge from the miseries oflife: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer
"The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul
"Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they areGod."
"Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette
"Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, andcruel. True, and they have many other fine qualitiesas well." --Missy Dizick
"You will always be lucky if you know how to makefriends with strange cats." --Colonial Americanproverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never doesany harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph WoodKrutch
"I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic"
"My husband said it was either him or the cat ... Imiss him sometimes."
"Dogs have owners....cats have a staff".
Question and answer jokes
Q: How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
A: Other lawyers look interested.
Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?
A: Because theyâre used to doing all of their lying indoors.
Q: What happened to the banker who went to law school?
A: Now sheâs a loan shark.
Q: Where do vampires learn to suck blood?
A: Law school.
Q: How do you define double jeopardy?
A: When a lawyer calls in her partner.
Q: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?
A: All the information you need, but you canât understand a word of it.
Q: What's worse than pleading guilty to murder?
A: Getting jail time and getting robbed--hiring an attorney to defend you.
Q: What do honest lawyers and UFOs have in common?
A: You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Don't give up. You time is coming soon.
I know sometimes you feel like giving up. Every new day there seems to be no change in your life. All the troubles of your heart and worries keep on worsening! You wonder why everything is happening to you. You keep on asking yourself why you’re not lucky like other people. You keep on praying to God but so far He hasn’t answered your prayers. Now you have started losing hope. You now think that maybe you were meant to be like that or maybe somebody cursed you. But I tell you what my friend? You weren’t meant to be like that and you weren’t cursed. God is silent but He watches you day and night. He listens to your prayers and He has something special for you. Just stay strong, focused, and hardworking and keep praying to God. Bear it in your minds that you’re not alone in that hard situation, we are all in the same boat. So don’t give up my dear friend. Your time is coming soon. Early Dementia Test
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test. Exercising the brain is as important as exercising muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give up now and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself. If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!! Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
DR. PHIL: The problem we have
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won'trealize that he must first deal with his problems on "THIS" side of theroad before it goes after his problems on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road.What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by nottaking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems,which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of havingthe chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part oflife, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just driveacross the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearlysee the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road ..
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe there is achicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side ofthe road.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road,I am now against it. It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misledabout the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remainagainst it. Probably.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY!You can see it in his eyes, and in the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworkingAmerican.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me what directionthat chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market tosell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gaveme any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken - cross the road? Did he cross it -with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road - but why it crossed -I've not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken is gay! Can't you peoplesee the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going tothe "other side." That's why they call it, the "other side." Yes, myfriends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you willbecome gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out thisabomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmlessphrases like "the other side." That chicken should not be crossing theroad. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed theroad. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that wasgood enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: In a few moments, we will be listening forthe first time,that same chicken tell us, in its own words, theheart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting,and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens .... It's easy, if youtry ..... Crossing roads, together .... Hoping not to die .....Imagine all, the chickens .... Crossing, roads, in peace ....
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2000, MillenniumEdition, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file yourimportant documents, and balance your check book. Internet Exploreris a integral part of eChicken. This new platform is much more stableand will never cras ... #@&&^(!
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or didthe road move beneath the chicken?
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. Whatis your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken!
COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?
DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?
Little Johnny and his father w...
Little Johnny and his father were walking in the park. They saw two dogs having sex. Little Johnny asks, "What are they doing, dad?" Dad replies, "They're making puppies."
Later that evening little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom and they are having sex. He asks, "What are you doing?"
Dad replies, "We're making a baby."
Little Johnny replies, "Well, can you turn her over? I want puppies."
Jokes About Age
OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to bar
OLD NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS never die, they just go off-line
OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed
OLD OWLS never die, they just don't give a hoot
OLD PACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces
OLD PARADOXES never die, they just become enigmas
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus home
OLD PHOTOGRAPHERS never die, they just stop developing
OLD PILOTS never die, they just buzz off
OLD PILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane
OLD PLANETS never die, they just lose their attraction
OLD PLASTIC never dies, they just recycle it
OLD PLUMBERS never die, they just go down the drain
OLD POLICEMEN never die, they just cop out
You might be a redneck if 21
You might be a redneck if...
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center. (Clinton true-life story)
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (your insurance man is a redneck too if he pays you for it).
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your momma gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
A man went to his dentist beca...
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious - Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
A gang of robbers broke into a...
A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape."It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers -- we had $100 when we broke in!"
