Animal jokes (4336 to 4350)

You An Internet Addict?

You Might Be An Internet Addict If...

1. You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don't have a clue as to when it happened.
   
2. Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to go from top to bottom.
   
3. Your nightmares are in HTML and GIFS.
   
4. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
   
5. You start introducing yourself as "Jim at net dot com"
   
6. Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address on TV.
   
7. You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives.
   
8. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
   
9. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
   
10. When looking at a web page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
    
11. Your dog has its own home page.
    
12. You can't call your mother... She doesn't have a modem.
    
13. You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
    
14. Your phone bill is a heavy as a brick.
    
15. You write your homework in HTML and give your instructor the URL.
    
16. You don't know the sex of three of your closest friends, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.
    
17. Your husband tells you that he has had the beard for 2 months
    
18. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
    
19. You tell the kids they can't use the computer because "Daddy's got work to do" -- even though you don't have a job.
    
20. You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
    
21. Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer cannot come to bed."
    
22. You get a tattoo that says "This body best viewed with Netscape 3.0 or higher."
    
23. You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP... because you never log off.
    
24. The last girl you picked up was only a GIF.
    
25. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
    
26. Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
    
27. As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
    

Redneck quickies 36

You might be a redneck if...

You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.

You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.

Warp drive describes the condition of your car.

Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.

You go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".

You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal.

Your boyfriend gives you car parts for your birthday and you like it.

Coons get into everyone else's trash but yours.

When you say, "Let's hit the hay," you actually MEAN it.

You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald's Extra Value Meal.

Your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds.

You have a clawfoot bathtub.

You've ever been arrested for bootleggin'.

You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.

Your idea of good fishing involves the use of a boat, a net and dynamite.

Burger King won't let you do it your way, right away.

You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can't remember your wife’s birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.

You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can't remember how old your children are.

Your idea of going to see a play involves goal posts.

You think a computer hacker carries an axe.

Knock Knock Collection 195

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Willoughby!
Willoughby who?
Willoughby a monkey's uncle!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wilma!
Wilma who?
Wilma lunch be ready soon?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wine!
Wine who?
Wine don't you like these jokes!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Witches!
Witches who?
Witches the way to go home!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Witold!
Witold who?
Witold you what to do!

Goat for dinner....

This young couple invited their parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their young son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth. "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

I collect cows and mushrooms. ...

I collect cows and mushrooms. I have a lot of fungi bull assets.

hot dog

Two immigrants arrived in America.

On their first day off the boat in New York City, they spied a hot dog vendor in the street.

"Do they eat dogs in America?" one asked the other.

"I dunno."

"Well, we're going to live here, so we might as well learn to

do as they do."

So they each bought a hot dog wrapped up in wax paper and sat down to eat them on a nearby park bench.

One immigrant looked inside his wax paper, then over at the other and asked, "What part did you get?"

Mommy Mommy 03

Mommy, Mommy! Why do I have to hop everywhere?
Shut up or I'll chop off the other leg!

---

Mommy, Mommy! Grandma's got a bruise.
Shut up and eat around it!

---

Mommy, Mommy! What happened to all your scabs?
Shut up and eat your cornflakes!

---

Mommy, Mommy! What's in those CARE packages they send to Africa?
Shut up and get back in the box!

---

Mommy, Mommy! The teacher says I look like a monkey!
Shut up and comb your face!

Two bats are hanging in their ...

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."

First Experience Horse Riding

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons. She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety.
Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness or even death when Frank, the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

The Trouser Snake

=> NAME: *Expecteria Trouserius* (Trouser Snake) => LOCATION: Throughout the world

=> DESCRIPTION: One-eyed, with mushroom-shaped head (other types come with extra layers of skin) Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit. (Spit can reach distances up to 2-3 feet) *Size varies from 3 to 12 inches, depending on its mood & sub-species.

=> SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower front abdomen, resulting in an inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling followed by excruciating pain after nine months. The attack is not usually fatal. Beware: It has been known to attack men in the rear lower abdomen!

=> HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most unusual places.

=> ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom is injected into the body only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no known antidote for men.

=> WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED

TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to be affected.

CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.

SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far has not been reported to have led to any success.

=> CONCLUSION: This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a vermin, and treated with the right respect, makes a wonderful pet.

The good, the bad and the ugly...

Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: You give 'the birds and the bees' talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections

If Noah Built an Ark in 2011

And lo, in the year 2011, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but there was no ark.
"Noah! I'm about to start the rain! Where is the ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
"I needed a building permit."
"I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system."
"My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision."
"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."
"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but no go!"
"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew."
"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work."
"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with ark-building experience.
"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly, the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member socaliflady

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky...

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

Converting a Bear

A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.
One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker than you could!"
So they all agree that the next time they meet, they'll share stories about how they were able to convert a bear.
They all end up in the hospital, but the priest is in the best shape of all of them. They decide to meet in the rabbi's room. The priest has his arm in a sling and says, "Yeah, it was tough at first, but I was able to dash it with some holy water. The next thing I know, it started saying Hail Mary. He's coming to mass this Sunday."
The other two clergymen nod in approval, and the preacher goes next. The preacher is in pretty bad shape. He's in a wheel chair, and he has a concussion, a broken leg, and a broken arm. He says "Well, when I finally happened upon it, I wrestled that thing to the ground and started beating its head with a Bible. So he lunges at me and we tumble down this hill into the river where I dunked him seven times. Finally, he came to the faith. He'll be coming to church next Sunday."
Both men turn to the rabbi to hear his story. The rabbi looks like he got the worst of it. He's in a body cast and there's no way he's getting out of bed any time soon. He looks at both men and says "Well, I probably should've started with something different than circumcision...."
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member ShinwaNate

Mouse Tattoo

There is a woman sitting with a bunch of guys at a bar.

The guys were all showing off their tattoos and uttering sexist remarks as to how women cannot take enough pain to get a tattoo.

After listening to the guys gloat for a little bit longer, the woman states, "Well, I have a tattoo, too!"

The men all look surprised.

The woman continues, "I have a tattoo of a cute little grey mouse in a rather private place. Do you want to see my tattoo?"

The guys are getting excited as the crowd starts gathering around the woman..

Without much ado, the woman stands up, undoes her pants and drops them. She then looks down, looks kind of confused, and gives the men a wimpish smile.

One of the men asks, "What's wrong, sweet lady?"

The woman, with a big smile on her face, answers, "Oh, nothing, I can't show you my little mouse tattoo after all. My pussy must have eaten it."