Animal jokes (436 to 450)

A man went to police station f

A man went to police station for filing report for his missing wife.
Man: I lost my wife (misty)
Inspector: What is her height?
Man: I never noticed.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?
Man: Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector: Color of eyes?
Man: Never noticed.
Inspector: Color of hair?
Man: Changes according to season.
Inspector: What was she wearing?
Man: I don't remember exactly.
Inspector: Was somebody with her?
Man: Yes my Labrador dog, Romeo, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together... And the man started crying.
Inspector: Lets search for the dog first.

Happy Horses

Why were the horses so happy?
Because they lived in a stable environment.

What did the truckload of shee

What did the truckload of sheep say to the ghost?

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I wor

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I work like a horse, eat like a bird, and I'm tired as a dog!
Doctor: Have you been to a veterinarian?

Zoo Minimum

Apparently to start a zoo you need at least two pandas, a grizzly, and three polars...
It's the bear minimum.

What vegetable makes birds far

What vegetable makes birds fart?

Fish trap

This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns. He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.

An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “Shiiiit!”. The Inspector, who wasn’t expecting such a response said “Settle down, I’m the Fishing Inspector”.

“Thank God for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.

Poisonous Snake

2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!".
The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says. "It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".
The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"

Smart Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

NED: I'll never make a p

NED: I'll never make a pun about sheep incest
ED: C'mon, just lamb poon them a little bit…
NED: There you go again, pressing my muttons!

Donkeys are smart. They have a

Donkeys are smart. They have a lot of brayin' power.

A guy was standing in front of

A guy was standing in front of the gorilla cage at the zoo, when a gust of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid, the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the guy senseless.
When the guy came to his senses, he reported the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper explained that pulling down your eyelid means "screw you" in gorilla language. The explanation didn't make the victim feel any better, and he vowed revenge.
The next day, he purchased two large knives, two party hats, two party horns, and a large sausage. Putting the sausage in his pants, he hurried to the zoo, went right up to the gorilla's cage, and opened up his bag of goodies. Knowing that gorillas were natural mimics, he put on a party hat. The gorilla looked at him, reached through the bars, grabbed a hat from the bag, and put it on.
Next, the guy picked up his horn and blew on it. The gorilla reached out, picked up his horn, and did the same.
Then the man picked up his knife, whipped the sausage out of his pants, and sliced it in half.
The gorilla looked at the knife, looked at his own crotch, looked at the man,... and pulled down his eyelid.

One night a man walked into a

One night a man walked into a bar with an alligator.
He stood up on the counter and announced, "If i stick my cock and balls into this gators mouth, let the gator shut his jaws and pull them out without a scratch on 'em you'll all buy me a drink."
The crowed looked up at the man and nodded with glee.
So the man whipped out his cock and balls and stuck them in the gators mouth then shut the gators jaws.
A few moments later he hit it on the head with a beer bottle and the gators mouth flung open, he pulled his genitalia out without a scratch.
As he was collecting his first free drink he looked to the crowed and asked if anybody would like to try.
A hush blew over the crowed.
All of a sudden a hand shot up in the back. "I would," said the blond lady, "if you promise not to hit me in the head with a beer bottle."

Living By The Pen

"You should meet my husband. He makes a living with his pen."
"Oh, so he's a writer?"
"No, he raises pigs."

Dinner Party

A man and his wife attended a dinner party at the home of their friends. Near the end of the meal, the wife reprimanded her husband. "That's the third time you've gone for dessert," she scolded. "The hostess must think you're selfish and an absolute pig."
"I don't think so," he said. "I've been telling her it's for you."