Animal jokes (5686 to 5700)Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 5686 to 5700. |
Another...
Another Lesson in ManagmentA crow was sitting on a tree doing nothing all day.
A small rabbit saw the crow and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered, "Of course, help youself."
So the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow and rested.
Suddenly a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing you must be sitting very, very high up.
Business one-liners 41
The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less time you have to do it in. Stability is achieved when you spend all your time doing nothing but reporting on the nothing you are doing.The more trivial your research, the more people will read it and agree.
The more vital your research, the less people will understand it.
The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.
The most important item in an order will no longer be available.
The most interesting results happen only once.
The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way.
The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to choose from.
The number of people watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
The obscure a bureaucrat may see eventually; the completely apparent takes forever.
The Sailor And The Pirate
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.
The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"?
"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"
"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eyepatch"?
"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."
"The Massachusetts court ...
"The Massachusetts court decision to allow gay marriages this week may prove to be a divisive issue in the upcoming presidential election. President Bush is likely torn because he has to protect what he sees as a sacred institution and yet he knows gay marriage would boost the economy because you know those gay guys would go all out. We're talking about designer wedding cakes, $20,000 sleeveless tuxedos, giant naked man ice sculptures that pee mojitos. They'd hire Pattie La Belle as the band, give out African parrots as party favors. It'd be ridiculous. Remember, whatever your political beliefs, a vote to allow gay marriage is a vote for a fabulous economy."-- Tina Fey
Be Politically Correct
How to be Politically Correct when talking about Men (Or Army Men)
He does not have a beer gut...
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility.(regular guys)
He has a personal war reserve stock.(army guys)
He is not quiet...
He is a Conversational Minimalist.
He is a SAMS grad.
He is not stupid...
He suffers from Minimal Cranial Development.
He is a field grade.
He does not get lost all the time...
He discovers Alternative Destinations.
He gets temporarily misoriented.
He is not balding...
He is in Follicle Regression.
He has a REALLY squared away high and tight.
He is not a cradle robber...
He prefers Generationally Differential Relationships.
He is breaking the new fraternization policies.
He does not get falling-down drunk...
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal.
He practices his IMTs in the club.
He is not short...
He is Anatomically Compact.
He suffers from a Napoleon Complex.
He does not have a rich daddy...
He is a Recipient of Parental Asset Infusion.
He has the Army as a hobby.
He does not constantly talk about cars...
He has a Vehicular Addiction.
He must be a Transporter.
He does not have a hot body...
He is Physically Combustible.
He is a PT stud.
He is not unsophisticated...
He is Socially Challenged.
He is a Ranger.
He does not eat like a pig...
He suffers from Reverse Bulimia.
He eats like a Ranger student at Pizza Hut.
He is not a bad dancer...
He is Overly Caucasian.
He is from the Muddy Boots Army.
He does not hog the blankets...
He is Thermally Unappreciative.
He is a Blue Falcon.
He is not a male chauvinist pig...
He has Swine Empathy.
He must be combat arms.
He is not afraid of commitment...
He is Monogamously Challenged.
He loves TDY.
Fun at the zoo!
Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
Happy New Year…Is Everybody Happy!!!??? (Author A. Nonymous)
Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine.
If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys.
If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored.)
Answering Machine Messages
What has two humps at the Nort...
What has two humps at the North Pole?Political wisdom
...
Political wisdom1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain
2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
- Winston Churchill
3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw
4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
- G Gordon Liddy
5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting, On what to have for dinner.
- James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)
6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
- Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University
7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian
8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
- Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)
9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few Short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.
- Ronald Reagan (1986)
10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
- Will Rogers
11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it's free.
- P.J. O'Rourke
12) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
- Voltaire (1764)
13) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.
- Pericles (430 B.C.)
14) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
- Mark Twain (1866)
15) Talk is cheap... except when Congress does it.
- Unknown
17) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.
- Winston Churchill
18) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
- Mark Twain
19) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools.
- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
21) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
- Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)
22) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
- Thomas Jefferson
The top 10 Dog complaints abou...
The top 10 Dog complaints about humans1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at all!
2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG YOU IDIOT!
3. Taking me for walks, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose...stop it!
5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo!!! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. Dog sweaters. Hello?? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you're just jealous
What insect is always complain...
What insect is always complaining?Derek Small, Blackhall
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