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Animal jokes (5701 to 5715)

Jokes about animals. These are the jokes listed 5701 to 5715.

What insect is always complain...

What insect is always complaining?
A grumble bee
Derek Small, Blackhall

• If you have a joke you would like to share with us e-mail: letters_en@ edinburghnews.com


The full article contains 34 words and appears in Edinburgh Evening News newspaper.
Page 1 of 2

Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (3)

Best friends???

Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, "Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Frank says, "Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."

So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, "Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"

Jim says, "Frank, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you."

They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, "Frank, if you had two chickens..."

"Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"

#joke #animal #chicken #wedding
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (2)

Georgia Crazy Law


  • Members of the state assembly cannot be ticketed for speeding while the state assembly is in session.

  • Donkeys may not be kept in bathtubs.


  • Signs are required to be written in English.

  • You have the right to commit simple battery if provoked by "fighting" words.

  • No one may carry an ice cream cone in their back pocket if it is Sunday.

  • It is illegal to use profanity in front of a dead body which lies in a funeral home or in a coroners office.

    Acworth


  • All citizens must own a rake.

    Atlanta


  • Against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole or street lamp.

  • One man may not be on another man's back.

    Columbus


  • Can't cut off a chicken's head on Sunday.
  • It is illegal to carry a chicken by it's feet down Broadway on Sunday.

    Gainesville


  • Chicken must be eaten with the hands.

    Jonesboro


  • It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy"

    Kennesaw


  • Every head of household must possess a firearm of some kind.

    Marietta


  • Though it is illegal to spit from a car or bus, citizens may spit from a truck.

    St. Mary's


  • No spitting on the sidewalk is permitted after dark.

    Quitman


  • Cars are not to drive on sidewalks.

  • It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.





    #joke #animal #donkey #giraffe #chicken
  • Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

    Why are some fish at the botto...

    Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean? Because they dropped out of school!

    Jack Smith, Leith

    #joke #short #animal #fish
    Joke | Source: http://news.scotsman.com/ - Joke of the day
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (4)

    The new recruit had just arriv...

    The new recruit had just arrived at a Foreign Legion post in the desert. He asked his corporal what the men did for recreation.

    The corporal smiled wisely and said, "You'll see."

    The young man was puzzled. "Well, you've got more than a hundred men on this base and I don't see a single woman."

    "You'll see," the corporal repeated.

    That afternoon, three hundred camel were herded into the corral. At a signal, the men seemed to go wild. They all leaped into the corral and began to screw the camels.

    The recruit saw the corporal hurrying past him and grabbed his arm. "I see what you mean, but I don't understand," he said. "There must be three hundred of those camels and only a hundred of us. Why is everybody rushing? Can't a man take his time?"

    "What?!?" exclaimed the corporal, startled. "And get stuck with an ugly one?"
    #joke #animal #camel
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
    • Currently 6.00/10

    Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

    You know you are in a Texas church when

    People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the ark.

    The preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.

    The restrooms are outside.

    Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

    A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

    When it rains, everyone is smiling.

    Prayers regarding the weather are standard practice.

    The choir group is known as the "OK Chorale".

    The pastor wears boots.

    Four generations of the same family sit together in worship.

    There is no such thing as a "secret" sin.

    Baptism is referred to as "branding".

    There is a special fund raiser for a new septic tank.

    Finding and returning lost sheep isn't just a parable.

    High notes on the organ can set the dogs to howling.

    People wonder, when Jesus fed 5000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

    People think "rapture" is when you lift something too heavy.

    The final words of the benediction are, "Ya'll come back now, ya hear?"

    #joke #animal #dog #sheep #deer #fish
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
    • Currently 4.67/10

    Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

    Vermont Crazy Law


  • Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

  • Whistling underwater is illegal.


  • At one time it was illegal to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole.

    Barre


  • All residents shall bathe every Saturday night.





    #joke #short #animal #giraffe
  • Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
    • Currently 4.00/10

    Rating: 4.0/10 (3)

    Sex Life in Years...

    Seems that when the Lord was creating the world, He called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was absolutely horrified...

    "Only twenty years of normal sex life?"

    Yet, the Lord was adamant and insisted that Man could have no more than twenty years of normal sex life.

    Then, the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.

    "But, I don't need twenty years, "protested the monkey.

    "Ten years is plenty for me."

    Man spoke up eagerly, "Can I have the other ten years?"

    The monkey graciously agreed.

    Then, the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years. The lion, like the monkey, only wanted ten years.

    Again, man spoke up, "can I have the other ten years?"

    The lion graciously agreed.

    Then, along came a donkey and he too was given twenty years. But, like the others, ten years was more than sufficient. Once again, man pleaded, "can I have the other ten years?"

    And so, it all makes perfect sense now... Man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it and ten years of making an ass of himself.

    #joke #animal #donkey #monkey #lion
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
    • Currently 6.00/10

    Rating: 6.0/10 (6)

    Surrounded by idiots ....

    IDIOTS AT WORK
    I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed.

    When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt.

    So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

    IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
    I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

    The reason: many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

    IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE
    My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

    IDIOT SIGHTINGS
    Sighting #1:
    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
    I said, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled and nodded knowingly, 'That's why we ask.'

    Idiot Sighting #2:
    The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street.

    I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red.

    She responded, appalled, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?'

    Idiot Sighting #3:
    When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told that the keys had been accidentally locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door.

    As I watched from the passenger's side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered it was open. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'It's open!'

    'I know,' answered the young man. 'I already got that side.'

    #joke #animal #deer #food
    Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
    • Currently 6.00/10

    Rating: 6.0/10 (3)

    Like a Bull!

    A man and his wife were on a train passing through farm country. As the train slowed down they saw a bull mounting one cow after another. The wife turned to her husband and remonstrated.

    "Why aren't you men capable of doing things that way?"

    "My dear," he answered, "we can if you let us change cows each time!"

    #joke #animal #cow #bull
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
    • Currently 6.20/10

    Rating: 6.2/10 (5)

    On a tropical island

    On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

    Two Italian men and one Italian woman

    Two French men and one French woman

    Two German men and one German woman

    Two Greek men and one Greek woman

    Two English men and one English woman

    Two Polish men and one Polish woman

    Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

    Two American men and one American woman

    Two Australian men and one Australian woman

    Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman

    Two Irish men and one Irish woman

    One month later the following things have occurred:

    One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

    The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

    The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

    The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

    The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

    The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

    The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend

    respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving - but at least the taxes are low and it's not raining.

    The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.

    The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both 'bloody wankers'.

    Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

    The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whisky, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.

    #joke #animal #sheep #fruit #coconut #drinks #whisky #sport #swimming #mother
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
    • Currently 4.83/10

    Rating: 4.8/10 (6)

    An out-of-towner drove his car...

    An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!"

    Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!"

    And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

    The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

    "Well... Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
    #joke #animal #horse
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
    • Currently 6.67/10

    Rating: 6.7/10 (3)

    Zen For Those Who Take L...

    Zen For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously No 1

    1. Save the whales. - Collect the whole set.

    2. A day without sunshine is like, night.

    3. Othe other hand, you have different fingers.

    4. I just got lost in thought. it wasn't familiar territory.

    5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

    6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

    7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

    8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

    9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

    10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

    11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

    12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

    13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

    14. Support bacteria. they're the only culture some people have.

    15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

    16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

    17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines

    18. Get a new car for your spouse. it'll be a great trade!

    19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

    Continued tomorrow...

    #joke #lawyer #monday #animal #mouse #bird #worm #whale #food #cheese
    Joke | Source: http://www.webwombat.com.au/ - Jokes: Joke of the Day
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

    Two gay gentlemen are walking ...

    Two gay gentlemen are walking through a zoo. They come across the gorillas and after a while they notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection.

    The gay men are fascinated by this. One of the men just can't bear it any longer and he reaches into the cage to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with him for six hours nonstop. When he's done, the gorilla throws the man back out of the cage.

    An ambulance is called and the man is taken away to the hospital. Next day his friend visits him in the hospital and asks, "Are you hurt?"

    "AM I HURT?", he shouts, "Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called, he hasn't written...
    #joke #animal #bear #gorilla
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Used to be Joke rating machine, but this site is dead
    • Currently 5.00/10

    Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

    A blind man enters a shop with...

    A blind man enters a shop with a guide dog. He picks up the dog and starts swinging it in the air. A salesgirl asks, "Can I help, sir?" "No thanks," he says. "Just looking."
    #joke #short #animal #dog
    Joke | Source: Click The City - Philippine's Leading Lifestyle and Entertainment Guide.
    • Currently 6.33/10

    Rating: 6.3/10 (6)

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