Animal jokes (5836 to 5850)

Dragging Their Feet

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

Lawyers Taste Like ........??

Two tigers are walking along a jungle trail in

single file.

The rearmost tiger wanders off the trail for

a few minutes, then reappears shortly thereafter.

A few moments later, the front tiger feels what

seems to be the other tiger's tongue, applied

just below his tail. The tiger disapproves of

this action, but doesn't want to start anything

by bringing it up. Then, the tiger again feels

the tongue, again in the same place.

He decides to confront the after tiger, and

asks him, "Did you just lick me twice in the

butt?"

The other tiger replied, "Yeah, sorry about

that. I just ate a lawyer and I was trying to

get the taste out of my mouth."

The way kids think...

The way kids think...

A number of Primary Schools were doing a project on "The Sea". Children were asked to draw pictures, or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results, and put together some of the comments that were funny, and some that were sad.

The children were all aged between 5 and 8 years.

Here are some of them.

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

Oysters balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

I don't like the sea. It makes me sick on the ferry. (Peter age 6)

If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all round you, you are in continent. (Wayne age 7)

I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of it's head. (Billy age 8)

My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs. (Millie age 6)

When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

Some fish are dangerous. Jelly fish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

My mum has fish nets, but doesn't catch any fish. (Laura age 5)

When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin age 6)

When me and Sarah went to the sea side in the summer holidays, we hid in the sand dunes and watched my big sister doing it with her boyfriend. It was fun. (Lauren age 7)

A submarine goes under the water like a fish, but it has lots of seamen inside. (Emma age 5)

When I grow up, I want to be captain of a big ship, and have lots of sailors (Valerie age 6)

Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky age 8)

On holiday my Mum went water ski-ing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

#joke #animal #dolphin #shark #octopus #fish #food #beans #oysters #eating #sport #swimming

Ever wonder WHY … Ever wonder WHY …

• the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
• women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
• don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
• is "abbreviated" such a long word?
• is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
• is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?
• is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
• is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
• When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
• didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
• do they sterilize the needle for lethal inje
• they don't make the whole plane out of the stuff that is used to make that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
• don't sheep shrink when it rains?
• are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
• they call the airport the terminal?
• If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

#joke #doctor #animal #cat #dog #mouse #sheep #fruit #lemon #food #drinks #juice

Catfish and Lawyers

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger, the other is just a fish.

Only in America...... Only in America......

• can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
• are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
• do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
• do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
• do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
• do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
• do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first
• do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
• do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
• do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

#joke #animal #dog #food #pizza #fries #drinks #coke

Intimate Cellmates

These two men were cellmates at state penitentiary for nine years. One day Larry said to Joe, "You know man its been a long time since we had some sex so you oughta let me fuck you."

Joe replied.

"Are you crazy?!!" Larry went on to say, "I promise you that it won't hurt and we'll flip a coin and see who fucks, who first. So, Joe thought about it for a minute and finally agreed. They flipped a coin and Larry won. Still having strong reservation Joe asked, "How will you tell if it hurts or not?"

Larry told Joe, "If it hurts you start making animal noises, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing."

Larry started the insertion and Joe screamed, Moooooooo.... Moooooo... Mooooon River...

Who's ya daddy...

<...

Who's ya daddy...

A father put his daughter to bed and listened to her prayers. She ended by saying: "God Bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked: "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"

The little girl said: "I donÂ’t know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day, grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later, the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless mommy, God bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day, the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later, the father heard his daughter say: "God bless mommy and good-bye daddy." He practically went into shock. He couldnÂ’t sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in, and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, when midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said: "IÂ’ve never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said: "I donÂ’t want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said: "You think you had a bad day? You'll never believe what happened to me! This morning, the milkman dropped dead on our porch!"

What did the neurotic pig say ...

What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?

Best to get the facts......

Best to get the facts...

A small tourist hotel was all a buzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, madam? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years ... I thought he meant his money!!"

Pedro

Pedro was standing in the streets of Rome, thinking, "Look at all those trees. I planted those trees. With my own hands I put every seed in the ground. But did anyone call me Pedro the Gardener? Nooo."

"And look at all the roads. They are all created by me. I worked day and night for years to complete them. But did anyone call me Pedro the road builder? Nooo."

"Not to forget, the houses. I build them too. Carefully I placed every single brick, so everyone could stay warm every year. But did anyone call me Pedro the house builder? Nooo."

"But when I fucked ONE donkey..."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

Why do men chase women they ha...

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying? For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A little frivolity to g...

A little frivolity to get you going...

1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home' "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. ' Is it common? ' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? ""No, because he's really heavy"

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Hillary Clinton and her driver...

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a cow ran in front of the car.

The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't - the cow was killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later, the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

"What happened?" asked Hillary.

"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied: 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver, and I just killed the cow.'

The Aging Explorer

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"