Beer jokes (316 to 330)

This man had been having a few

This man had been having a few beers down at the neighborhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called, so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself.
To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running. The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.
Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, "What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park."
The man said, "But officer this is my wife."
The officer said, "Oh, I didn't know she was your wife."
The man said, "Neither did I 'till you shined your light on her."

Guess The Name

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Hi stranger, my name is Mike. I'll give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries."

The man says, "Thanks...Mike's Place?"

"Nope."

"Mike's Tavern?"

"No,"

"Mike's Pub?"

"No, but here's a free beer anyway. Nobody ever get's it. The joint's name is Sally's Leggs!

"That's a good one." the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and ask's him what he is doing there.

He responds, "I'm just waiting for Sally's Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!"

New Prayers

The girls' prayer:

Our Cash

Which art on plastic

Hallowed be thy name

Thy Cartier watch

Thy Prada bag

In Myer

As it is in David Jones

Give us each day our Platinum Visa

And forgive us our overdraft

As we forgive those who stop our Mastercard

And lead us not into Katies

And deliver us from Sussans

For thine is the Dinnigan,

the Akira and the Armani

For Chanel No.5 and Eternity

Amex.

The boys' prayer:

Our beer

Which art in bottles

Hallowed by thy sport

Thy will be drunk

I will be drunk

At home as it is in the pub

Give us each day our daily schooners

And forgive us our spillage

As we forgive those who spillest against us

And lead us not into the practice of poofy wine tasting

And deliver us from Tequila

For mine is the bitter

The chicks and the footy

Forever and ever

Barmen.

After the North American Beer

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I."

The National Transportation Sa

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the US auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were: "Oh, Shit!"
Only the state of Alabama was different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this!"

Four old retired guys are walk

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck.
They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please."
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Boston," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar.
Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."
"Wow! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old retired farts from Pennsylvania. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price."

Take Care of the Big Rocks Fir

Take Care of the Big Rocks First A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter.
He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was.
So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks.He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous - yes.
The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar - effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed."Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, and your children - Things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.The pebbles are the other things that matter, like your job, your house, and your car.The sand is everything else. The small stuff."
"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, give a dinner party and fix the disposal.
"Take care of the rocks first, the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.
The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers."

Little Johnny goes up to his ...

Little Johnny goes up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I have a drinking problem. I need help."
His mom, of course, freaks out. She yells, "How did this happen?!"
She turns to her husband and says, "This is all your fault! You're the one that comes home drunk and gives such a bad example to all of our children."
He yells back, "Oh, I'm the one that does it? I do nothing but give to this family! Your the one that was drinking beer while br**st feeding when I told you not to!"
She yells, "Get out! You are a horrible person and I never want to see you again!"
He grabs his collection of stuff and yells, "Fine! I don't need you!" and he walks out of the door.
Little Johnny is standing there crying, not knowing what to think of the situation other than he knows his dad is gone.
His mom turns to him and says, "Don't cry Johnny, it will be fine... Now just tell mommy all about your drinking problem and we will get you some help."
Little Johnny says, "Well... the problem is, if Amanda drinks 3 quarts of orange juice, and Suzy drinks 2, how much orange juice did they drink?"

Having a Beer With Y

A man walks into a bar and orders three beers. He takes a drink out of one... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the second... sets it down. Takes a drink out of the third one... sets it down. -- and repeats this process until all three beers are gone. The man leaves.

On the same day the following week he is back and does the same thing with the three beers. This goes on for a month or two. The bartender is getting curious. The next time the man comes in, the bartender says, "I don't mean to be nosy, but why do you drink from three beers at one time?"

The man says, "When my two brothers and I lived close, we would go to the bar every week and have a beer together. Now we are all married and have moved far away. We all agreed that wherever we are, every week, we will each go to a local bar and have three beers to remember old times."

The bartender nods and goes on. The man finishes his three beers and leaves. A month later the man comes in and orders only two beers. He takes a drink from one... sets it down. Takes a drink from the second beer... sets it down, and repeats this process until the two beers are gone. This goes on for about a month and the bartender gets curious. The next time the man is in the bar, the bartender inquires, "I don't mean to be nosy, but what happened? Did one of your brothers pass away or something?"

The man says, "Oh, no, nothing like that. It's just that my wife said that I couldn't go to the bar and drink anymore... but she didn't say anything about my brothers."

1. Don't sweat the petty thin

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?
9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
10. Is there another word for synonym?
11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
20. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
25. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
26. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
27. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
28. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
29. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
30. Women like silent men; they think they're listening.
31. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
32. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
33. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
34. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
35. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
36. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
37. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
38. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
39. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

I don't suffer from insanity...

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinningmedicine.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Procrastinate Now!
I have a degree in liberal arts; do you want fries with that?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up threethousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetimecommitment for a pig.
The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
Make your words sweet & tender today, for tomorrow youmay have to eat them.

*A few clowns short of a ci...

*A few clowns short of a circus
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good

Bubba and Johnny Ray, two good ole boys from North Carolina, were sitting' on the front porch drinking beer when a large truck hauling rolls and rolls of sod went by.
"I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery," said Bubba.
"Do what?" asked Johnny Ray.
"Send my grass out to be mowed," answered Bubba.

 Jokes Of Science 03

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Issac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest, chickens in motion tend to cross roads.
A neutron walks into a bar; he asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender looks at him, and says "For you, no charge."
Two fermions walk into a bar. One orders a drink. The other says "I'll have what he's having."
Two atoms bump into each other. One says "I think I lost an electron!" The other asks, "Are you sure?", to which the first replies, "I'm positive."
Renee Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender says "sir can I get you a martini "Descartes says "I don't think..." and he disappears
Where does bad light end up? Answer: In a prism!
Heisenberg is out for a drive when he's stopped by a traffic cop. The cop says "Do you know how fast you were going?" Heisenberg says "No, but I know where I am."

This Is From....

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."

The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden -- WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this... He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves. The little guy is gone for an hour or so when he returned. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and -- WHAM!!!" -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he gets up, tell him that's a crowbar from Sears.