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Beer jokes (331 to 345)Jokes about beer. These are the jokes listed 331 to 345. |
Things Not To Say During Sex
Things Not To Say During Sex1. When is this supposed to feel good?
2. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
3. Did I remember to take my pill?
4. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
5. I wish we got the Playboy channel..
6. That leak better be from the waterbed!
7. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
8. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow.
9. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
10. No, really.. I do this part better myself!
11. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
12. This would be more fun with a few more people.
13. You're almost as good as my ex!
14. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
15. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
16. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
17. Now I know why he/she dumped you..
18. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
19. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
20. What tampon?
21. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
22. I have a confession..
23. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
24. Is that a hanging sculpture?
25. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
26. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
27. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
28. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about.
29. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
30. Does this count as a date?
31. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
32. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
33. I think biting is romantic, don't you?
34. You can cook too, right?
35. When would you like to meet my parents?
36. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
37. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
38. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
39. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
40. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
41. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
42. You mean you're NOT my blind date?
Baptism....
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
I Know You Were Drunk Yesterday
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.
When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up terribly. He then repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, his back was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
You Might Be A Redneck If 20
You might be a redneck if...
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
One Too Many?
A man decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2am, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.
A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed.
The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.
"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"
"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."
"A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?"
"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"
"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."
The Beer Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hollowed be thy drink.
I will be drunk,
At home as in the travern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from hangerovers.
For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager
Forever and ever,
Barmen.
Barmen
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we will forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.
For ever and ever.
Barmen.
Day 752 - My captors continue ...
Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining theoccasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on their bed.
Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep deprivation, incessant pleas for food at all hours of the night.
Day 767 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture.This time, however, it included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer." More importantly I overheard that my
confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue, something akin to mole speak, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal, room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
What Deep Thinkers Men Are
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
Advice to northerner
Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.
Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.
Remember: Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive.
Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you, either.
The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol", as in "big ol truck", or "big ol boy".
"Fixin'", as in "I'm fixin' to go to the store", is 2nd. And "Y'all" is 3rd.
As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!", stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.
Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.
If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you're supposed to do.
Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.
The American, The Asain, And The Canadian
There are 3 people standing on the top off a cliff, on american one asain and one canadian. They are told to throw off the item that appears most in their country. So the american says "Ah, that's to easy, I'll go first" so the american walks up to the cliff and throws off some drugs. The candian and the asain clap and say good job to the american. The american steps back and the asain goes next. He takes some rice and throws it of the cliff and says, "Too much rice, make me sick" The other two clap and the asain steps back and the canadian stepped forward. He thinks for quite a while and finnally decides. He picked um some beer and looked as if he was goin to throw it off but then he said, "Wait" and he chugged down the beer turned around grabbed the asain and threw him off the cliff and said, "Get the Fuck out of my country"You Might Be A Redneck If 70
You might be a reneck if...
You've ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.
Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.
Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.
You picket your horses on your lawn so you won't have to mow it.
You're wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver's license pic.
You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.
You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.
You save old kitchen appliances for children's Christmas presents.
You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.
Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.
Funny bumper stickers....
'Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.''Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death'
'Cover me. I'm changing lanes.'
'As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools'
'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.'
'Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.'
'Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.'
'REHAB is for quitters'
'I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!'
'Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep'
'I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....'
'Montana --- At least our cows are sane!'
'I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.'
'I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!'
'According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.'
'Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.'
'A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.'
'How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?'
'I'm not as think as you drunk I am'
'Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !'
'He who laughs last thinks slowest'
'Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.'
'Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.'
'Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.'
'Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone,somewhere may be happy.'
'Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.'
'i souport publik edekasion'
'We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.'
'Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.'
'Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...'
'3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.'
'Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?'
'Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?'
'2 + 2 =5 for extremely large values of 2.'
Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.'
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Tractor Salesman
A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer.
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer.
"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop."
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob.
"How do you figure?" asked John.
"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down.
And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"
