Cat jokes (106 to 120)Jokes about cats. These are the jokes listed 106 to 120. |
Sir Ken Dodd’s greatest jokes
I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
Tonight when you get home, put a handful of ice cubes down your wife's nightie and say: 'There's the chest freezer you always wanted'.
Age doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.
My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said, 'Is this a joke?'
I've seen a topl*ss lady ventriloquist. Nobody has ever seen her lips move.
The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.
How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson'.
Author, Comedy legend Sir Ken Dodd has died 11 March 2018, at age of 90.
A sadist, a masochist, a zooph
A sadist, a masochist, a zoophile, a necrophile, a pyro, and a murderer are bored.Suddenly, the zoophile says, "let's have sex with a cat."
The sadist says, "let's have sex with a cat and then torture it."
The murderer says, "let's have sex with the cat, torture it, then kill it."
The necrophile says, "let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, then have sex with it again."
The pyro is really excited and says, "let's do all that and then burn the shit out of it when we finish."
They turn to the masochist who has been quiet this whole time . Finally, he says, "meow."
Question Answer 01
Where do religious school children practice sports?
In the prayground!
How did the basketball court get wet?
The players dribbled all over it!
Why did the chicken get sent off?
For persistent fowl play!
Why were the two managers sitting around sketching crockery before the start of the game?
It was a cup draw!
Where do football directors go when they are fed up?
The bored room!
A manager was being interviewed after he had resigned from a football club?
"Were the crowd not behind you" asked the reporter
"They were right behind me all right", said the manager, "But I managed to shake them off at the station!"
Why was the struggling mange seen shaking the club cat?
To see if there was any more money in the kitty!
Question And Answer Animal Jokes
Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager.
A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.
Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers?
A: The outside.
Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede?
A: A walkie-talkie, of course.
Q: Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?
A: Chirpes. It's one of those canarial diseases. I hear it's untweetable.
Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle?
A: Too many cheetahs.
Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.
Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails?
A: To the retail store.
Q: What kind of dog tells time?
A: A watch dog.
If you want...
If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section Buy a dog.
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it
Buy a dog
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't care about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores
Buy a dog.
If you want someone who never criticises what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin , young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually
Buy a dog.
But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness...
Then.................
Buy a cat...
Dog Jokes 05
Q: Why do you need a licence for a dog and not for a cat?
A: Cats can't drive!
Q: What do you call a dog in the middle of a muddy road?
A: A mutt in a rut!
Q: What do you get if you cross a dog with a blind mole?
A: A dog that keeps barking up the wrong tree!
Q: What do you call a happy Lassie?
A: A jolly collie!
Q: What do you call a nutty dog in Australia?
A: A dingo-ling!
Q: What dog loves to take bubble baths?
A: A shampoodle!
Q: How do you catch a runaway dog?
A: Hide behind a tree and make a noise like a bone!
Q: What dogs are best for sending telegrams?
A: Wire haired terriers!!
Q: What kind of dog does a vampire prefer?
A: Any kind of bloodhound!
Q: What kind of dog sniffs out new flowers?
A: A bud hound!
Ponderings Collection 13
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When you open a new bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder Why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why Isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
A fire fighter is working on t
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with a tiny ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The boy is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration."Thanks," says the little boy. As the fire fighter looks a little closer, he notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little partner," the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The little boy says, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
Life's questions...
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?How can there be self-help groups?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
Or cat-flavored dog food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Two robins were sitting in a t
Two robins were sitting in a tree."I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"OK," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
