Cat jokes (121 to 135)Jokes about cats. These are the jokes listed 121 to 135. |
Life's questions...
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?How can there be self-help groups?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If someone has a mid-life crisis while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
When sign-makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
Why isn't there a mouse-flavored cat food?
Or cat-flavored dog food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
Two robins were sitting in a t
Two robins were sitting in a tree."I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"OK," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."
A mother and her young son wer...
A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."
So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"
The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"
The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to explain it to you."
One Sunday, in counting the mo
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastorof a small Florida church found a pink envelope containing $1000. Ithappened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched asthe offering was collected and saw a little old lady put thedistinctive pink envelope in the plate.This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,approached her. "Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000a week in the collection plate," he stated.
"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and Igive some of it to the church."
The pastor replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"
The old lady said, "$10,000 a week."
The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he dofor a living?"
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
"That is an honorable profession," the pastor said. "Where does hepractice?"
The old lady said proudly, "In Nevada. He has two cat houses in LasVegas and one in Reno."
Convince These Students
An Army recruiter delivered a windy pep talk to encourage a group of college students to join the VOLAR. But the culminating point of his oration was greeted with cat calls, whistles and projection of rotten eggs and an assortment of no less rotten vegetables and fruits.
A visitor asked a student: "Why you throw tomatoes at the man and now you are applauding him?"
"We want an encore. I still have some tomatoes left!" explained the student.
The following is supposedly a true story relating to an actual sailor's experience in the Army.
After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said: "Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition."
The C.P.O., who didn't understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.
From: Chief of Operations
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From: Chief of OperationsSubject: Proper Narrative Descriptions
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
a.. Cardiac patients should not be referred to as suffering from MUH (messed up heart), PBS (pretty bad shape), PCL (pre-code looking) or HIBGIA (had it before, got it again).
b.. Stroke patients are NOT "Charlie Carrots." Nor are rescuers to use CCFCCP(Coo Coo for Cocoa Puffs) to describe their mental state.
c.. Trauma patients are not CATS (cut all to sh*t), FDGB (fall down, go boom), TBC (total body crunch) or "hamburger helper." Similarly, descriptions of a car crash do not have to include phrases like "negative vehicle to vehicle interface" or "terminal deceleration syndrome."
d.. HAZMAT teams are highly trained professionals, not "glow worms."
e.. Persons with altered mental states as a result of drug use are not considered "pharmaceutically gifted."
f.. Gunshot wounds to the head are not "trans-occipital implants."
g.. The homeless are not "urban outdoorsmen," nor is endotracheal intubation referred to as a "PVC Challenge."
h.. And finally, do not refer to recently deceased persons as being "paws up," ART (assuming room temperature), CC (Cancel Christmas), CTD (circling the drain), DRT (dead right there) or NLPR (no long playing records).
I know you will all join me in respecting the cultural diversity of our patients to include their medical orientations in creating proper narratives and log entries.
25 Things You Know If You H
25 Things You Know If You Have A Son1. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot house 4 inches deep.
2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 foot room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up in the air a few times, before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9. A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old boy.
11. Playdoh and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a five-minute response time .
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24. 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25. 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid
Door To Door
Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces. To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result-the door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door,she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said: “Ma’am, before you do that again you need to move your cat.”
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN
10.He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes
Chem One-liners 03
Have you heard the one about a chemist who was reading a book about helium and just couldn't put it down?
What's the formula for water? -H-two-O What's the formula for an ice cube? -H-two-O-CUBED
Q: What do you get when you combine Al Gore with O2?
A: Oxymoron
The best chemists would definitely not be pet owners.
Their idea of a catalyst:
2 bags of cat litter
3 cans of cat food
1 can of flea powder
1 collar
Q: How do you get lean molecules?
A:Feed them titrations.
Q: And why does a white bear melt in water?
A: Because it's polar.
Did you hear about the industrialist who had a huge chloroform spill at his factory?
His business went insolvent.
Q: What's the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
A: Never lick the spoon.
Every Sunday, a little old lad
Every Sunday, a little old lady placed $1,000 in the collection plate. This went on for weeks until the priest, overcome with curiosity, approached her. "Sister, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he noted."Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and what I don't need I give to the church."
"That's wonderful, how much does he send you?" asked the priest.
"Oh, $2,000 a week." said the old lady.
"Your son is very successful, what does he do for a living?" questioned the priest.
"He is a veterinarian," she answered.
The impressed priest said, "That is a very honorable profession. Where does he practice?"
"Well," said the lady, "he tells me he has one cat house in Kansas City and another in Dallas."
