Dog jokes (796 to 810)Jokes about dogs. These are the jokes listed 796 to 810. |
14 signs your Kitty wants you dead
14. Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.13. Unexplained calls to F. Lee Bailey's 900 number on your bill.
12. You find a stash of 'Feline of Fortune' magazines behind the couch.
11. Cyanide pawprints all over the house.
10. You wake up to find a bird's head in your bed.
9. As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.
8. Droppings in litter box spell out 'REDRUM.'
7. Takes attentive notes every time 'Itchy and Scratchy' are on.
6. You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.
5. Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.
4. Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.
3. Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman's noose.
2. You find a piece of paper labeled 'MY WIL' that reads 'LEEV AWL 2 KAT.'
1. Now sharpens claws on your car's brake lines.
Barking dog
One night our dog suddenly began barking almost every night at around 3 a.m.
Irritated and sleepy, my husband, Larry, searched the backyard for what might have disturbed this otherwise peaceful animal.
For three days he found nothing amiss. When the dog woke up the neighbourhood a fourth night at 3 a.m. with frantic barking, Larry finally snuck around the house through the alley only to discover our quiet neighbour, the last man you'd suspect of wrongdoing, throwing pebbles over the fence at the dog.
My husband demanded to know what he was doing.
“My mother-in-law is visiting,” the embarrassed neighbour explained. “If she gets woken up in the middle of the night one more time she says she'll leave.”
Weather For The Dogs
To tell the weather, go to your back door and look for the dog.
If the dog is at the door and he is wet, it's raining. If the dog is
standing there really soaking wet, it is raining very hard.
If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's windy.
If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing.
Of course, to be able to tell the weather like this, you have to leave
the dog outside all the time, especially if you expect bad weather.
Sincerely,
THE CAT
Guard dog
My sister-in-law, a truck driver, had decided to get a dog for protection since she drove all over the country. As she inspected a likely candidate, the trainer told her, “He doesn't like men.”
“Perfect,” my sister-in-law thought and took the dog.
Then one day she was approached by two men in a parking lot, and she watched to see how her canine bodyguard would react. Soon it became clear that the trainer wasn't kidding. As the men got closer, the dog ran under the nearest car.
Golfing Realities...
...
Golfing Realities...Golf balls are like eggs. They're white, they're sold by the dozen, and every week you have to buy more.
A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
When you stop to think about it, did you ever notice that it's a lot easier to get up at 6:00 a.m. to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the lawn?
It takes longer to learn good golf than it does brain surgery. On the other hand, you seldom get to ride around on a cart, drink beer and eat hot dogs while performing brain surgery.
A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot.
A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you.
That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight.
A man walking his three legged...
A man walking his three legged dog near Wembley finds a lamp, He rub it and out pops a genie. The genie says "I'll grant you one wish.""Can you make my dog win Crufts" says the man.
"What with only three legs? Wish again" says the genie
"Okay." Says the bloke,"Can you arrange for England to win the World Cup?"
The genie ponders before telling him: "Lets have a look at that dog again."
Funny bumper stickers....
'Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.''Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death'
'Cover me. I'm changing lanes.'
'As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools'
'The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.'
'Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.'
'Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.'
'REHAB is for quitters'
'I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!'
'Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep'
'I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....'
'Montana --- At least our cows are sane!'
'I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.'
'I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!'
'According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.'
'Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.'
'A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.'
'How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?'
'I'm not as think as you drunk I am'
'Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !'
'He who laughs last thinks slowest'
'Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.'
'Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.'
'Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.'
'Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone,somewhere may be happy.'
'Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.'
'i souport publik edekasion'
'We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.'
'Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.'
'Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...'
'3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.'
'Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?'
'Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?'
'2 + 2 =5 for extremely large values of 2.'
Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.'
Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
Funny Punny Names
Some Like it Sweet: Sugar KaneOh What A Relief It Is: Al Kaseltzer
New Mexico Tour Book: Albie Kerky
I Was A Son Of A Buccaneer: Rich Kidd
The Palace Roof has a Hole: Lee King
Lawn Care: Ray King
Exercise on Wheels: Cy Kling
I Hate the Sun: Gladys Knight
Teach Me!: I. Wanda Know
Better Mental Health: Cy Kosis
Breaking the Law: Kermit A. Krime
NHL Hockey: Stanley Kupp
Those Funny Dogs: Joe Kur
I Like Weeding Gardens: Manuel Labour
How to Overcome Stress: R.E. Lachs
Care For A Chop?: Marsha Larts
Fallen Underwear: Lucy Lastic
Military Rule: Marshall Law
Cut the Grass!: Moses Lawn
Manana: Stew Layt
To be Honest: Frank Lee
The Lady Pirate: Peg Legg
Pain in My Body: Otis Leghurts
The Phillipine Post Office: Imelda Letter
Theft Among Arthropods: The Lieutenants
Not a Guitar!: Amanda Lin
Holmes Does It Again: Scott Linyard
Bring to the Grocer's: R. List
Classic Groceries: Chopin Liszt
The Effects of Alcohol: Sir Osis of Liver
Employment Handbook: Ernie Living
How to Break In: Jimmy De Lock
John Caparulo: Airport Security Inspection
I had my dog in one of those kennel carrier things, you know those boxes... They made me take the dog out of the carrier, so they could inspect it for explosives. Who bombs a f**king puppy? Really, who does that? Bin Laden would be like, Youre a dick, dude. I cant believe you -- thats too far.
Dog property laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
Chuck Norris let the dogs out....
Chuck Norris let the dogs out.Touring guide for North
Northerners visiting the South Information for Northerners Visiting the Southern StatesIf you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the south, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in life styles:
1. If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel-drive pickup truck with a 12-pack of beer and a towchain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
2. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
3. Remember: "Y'all" is singular, "All y'all" is plural, and "All y'alls'" is plural possessive.
4. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
5. You may hear a Southerner say "Oughta!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
6. Don't be worried about not understanding what people are saying; they can't understand you, either.
7. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in "big ol' truck " or "big ol' boy." Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
8. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
9. Be advised that "He needed killin'" is a valid defense here.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
11. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
12. When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks here learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Two boys were playing football...
Two boys were playing football in a Washington D.C. park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, he other boy rips off a plank of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar & twists, breaking the dog's neck.A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Washington Redskin fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts writing in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Redskins fan," the boy replied.
"Baltimore Ravens fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again.
"I'm not a Ravens fan either," the boy said.
"Then what are you?" the reporter asked.
"I'm a Cowboys fan."
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet."
What a talent....
A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happened upon an old tribesman lying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop.
The father of the family asked the old tribeman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak..."woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, white, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h.
"That's amazing!" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," said the old tribesman, weakly. "They just ran over me five minutes ago!"
