Food jokes (2116 to 2130)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 2116 to 2130. |
A blonde was hunched over the
A blonde was hunched over the bar, toothpick in hand, spearing futilely atthe olive in her drink. A dozen times the olive eluded her. Finally,another patron, who had been watching intently from the next stool, becameexasperated and grabbed the toothpick."Here, this is how you do it." he said, as he easily skewered the olive.
"Big Deal," muttered the blonde. "I already had him so tired out, hecouldn't get away."
13) When Parker Pen marketed a
13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won’t leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won’t leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."
11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
9) Pepsi’s "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
8) When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what’s inside, since many people can’t read.
7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6) Frank Perdue’s chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope’s visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"(el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
3) The Dairy Association’s huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn’t Go".
1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela" meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."
Christmas Time
The Teacher asked young Patrick Murphy: "What do you do at Christmas time?Patrick addressed the class: "Well Ms. Jones, me and my twelve brothers and sisters go to midnight mass and we sing hymns; then we come home very late and we put mince pies by the back door and hang up our stockings. Then all excited, we go to bed and wait for Father Christmas to come with all our toys.
"Very nice Patrick," she said.
"Now Jimmy Brown, what do you do at Christmas?"
Well, Ms. Jones, me and my sister also go to church with Mom and Dad and we sing carols and we get home ever so late.
We put cookies and milk by the chimney and we hang up our stockings. We hardly sleep, waiting for Santa Claus to bring our presents.
"Very nice Jimmy," she said.
Realizing there was a Jewish boy in the class and not wanting to leave him out of the discussion, she asked,
"Now, Isaac Cohen, what do you do at Christmas?"
Isaac said, "Well, it's the same thing every year...Dad comes home from the office. We all pile into the Rolls Royce; then we drive to Dad's toy factory. When we get inside, we look at all the empty shelves...And begin to sing: "What A Friend We Have in Jesus". Then we all go to the Bahamas ."
The counter-lunch
There once was this guy who walked into a bar and ordered a counter-lunch. When his meal arrived he noticed a pile of peas on his plate. The man stares at them for a moment and than proceeds to tell the barman, "Gee, I haven't had a pea in forty years."
The barman then yells to the entire pub, "Quick, anyone who can't swim grab a chair!"
Peanuts
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."
The Panda
A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal.
After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away. Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!" The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!" So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”A man sits down at a restauran
A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, "I think I'll have the turtle soup."The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind and decides to have pea soup. He yells to the waiter, "Hold the turtle, make it pea."
Christmas QA Jokes
Q. What do Santa’s elves learn in school?
A. The Elfabet.
Q. What does Santa like to do in the garden?
A. Hoe, hoe, hoe!
Q: What do Santa’s elves drive?
A: Minivans.
Q: What do Santa’s elves drink?
A: Minnesoda.
Q: What is Claustrophobia?
A: The fear of Santa Claus.
Q: What breakfast cereal does Frosty the Snowman eat?
A: Snowflakes.
After his recent stay in the h
After his recent stay in the hospital, Pa was particularly irritable, especially regarding food. At a nearby restaurant he stopped for a quick meal and the waiter provided a bowl of soup.As the waiter turned away to return to the kitchen Pa stopped him, calling: "Waiter!"
"Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
"The soup. Taste it," replied Pa.
"I beg your pardon, sir?"
"Taste it."
"But, sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
"Taste it," Pa persisted.
"Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
"Taste it!"
The exasperated waiter finally relented, "All right, sir, I'll taste it."
Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which Pa replied triumphantly, "Ah ha ... "
EVER WONDER
- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?-
- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
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- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
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- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
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- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
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- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
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- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
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- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
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- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
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- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
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- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
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- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
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- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
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- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
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- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
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- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Be strong
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
Life isn't like a box of choc
Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going to burn your ass.I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't need them again.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling?
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Be careful...a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump.
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich!
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!
Two Cows
FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the
milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government
takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's
cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The
government gives you as much milk as you need.
BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government
takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's
cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to
take care of the chickens the government took from the
chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and
as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires
you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take
care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN
COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them,
but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You
have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government
fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an
apartment. MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The
government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You
have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors
pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN
DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if
you vote for it. After the election, the president is
impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the
affair "Cowgate". BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.
You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government
doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At
first the government regulates what you can feed them and
when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.
After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and
pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill
out forms accounting for the missing cows.. ANARCHY: You
have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or
your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.
CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of
them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of
credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then
execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer
so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for
keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are
transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman
Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder,
who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the
listed company. The annual report says that the company
owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you
kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.
ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you
from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows.
They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM:
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they
ever existed. Milk is banned. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude,
there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of
this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The
government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the
constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas
about government. The cow runs for office, and while most
people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody
except the other cow votes for her because they think it
would be "throwing their vote away."
Questions for Mommy...
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded,"Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the line of questioning, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about the conversation she had with her mother. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
