Food jokes (2101 to 2115)

Peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?".
"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"
The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."  

The Panda

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal.

After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away.

Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!"

The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!"

So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads

"Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”

A man sits down at a restauran

A man sits down at a restaurant and looks at the menu. He tells the waiter, "I think I'll have the turtle soup."
The waiter leaves, but the man changes his mind and decides to have pea soup. He yells to the waiter, "Hold the turtle, make it pea."

Christmas QA Jokes

Q. What do Santa’s elves learn in school?

A. The Elfabet.

Q. What does Santa like to do in the garden?

A. Hoe, hoe, hoe!

Q: What do Santa’s elves drive?

A: Minivans.

Q: What do Santa’s elves drink?

A: Minnesoda.

Q: What is Claustrophobia?

A: The fear of Santa Claus.

Q: What breakfast cereal does Frosty the Snowman eat?

A: Snowflakes.

After his recent stay in the h

After his recent stay in the hospital, Pa was particularly irritable, especially regarding food. At a nearby restaurant he stopped for a quick meal and the waiter provided a bowl of soup.
As the waiter turned away to return to the kitchen Pa stopped him, calling: "Waiter!"
"Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
"The soup. Taste it," replied Pa.
"I beg your pardon, sir?"
"Taste it."
"But, sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
"Taste it," Pa persisted.
"Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
"Taste it!"
The exasperated waiter finally relented, "All right, sir, I'll taste it."
Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which Pa replied triumphantly, "Ah ha ... "

EVER WONDER

- Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
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- Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
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- Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
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- Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
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- Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
-
- Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
-
- Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
- made with real lemons?
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- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
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- Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
-
- Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
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- When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
-
- Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
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- Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
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- You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
- don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
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- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
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- Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
-
- If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
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- If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Be strong

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. 

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." 

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Life isn't like a box of choc

Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's more like a jar of jalapenos: you never know what's going to burn your ass.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren't there the first time, chances are you won't need them again.
I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where in the hell is the ceiling?
My reality check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier!!!
You are slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Everyone is someone else's weirdo.
Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
Be careful...a pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the ass.
Don't be irreplaceable --- if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
So this isn't Home Sweet Home . . . Adjust!
Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!
I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
I'd love to live life in the fast lane, but I'm married to a speed bump.
Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without a hard-on, make him a sandwich!
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it!
How can you tell which bottle contains her PMS medicine? It's the one with bite marks on the cap!

Two Cows

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the

milk. PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government

takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's

cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The

government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government

takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's

cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to

take care of the chickens the government took from the

chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and

as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires

you to take care of them, and sells you the milk. PURE

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take

care of them, and you all share the milk. RUSSIAN

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them,

but the government takes all the milk. DICTATORSHIP: You

have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. The government

fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an

apartment. MILITARIANISM: You have two cows. The

government takes both and drafts you. PURE DEMOCRACY: You

have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors

pick someone to tell you who gets the milk. AMERICAN

DEMOCRACY: The government promises to give you two cows if

you vote for it. After the election, the president is

impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the

affair "Cowgate". BRITISH DEMOCRACY: You have two cows.

You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government

doesn't do anything. BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At

first the government regulates what you can feed them and

when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.

After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and

pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill

out forms accounting for the missing cows.. ANARCHY: You

have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or

your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

HONG KONG CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of

them to your publicly - listed company, using letters of

credit opened by your brother - in - law at the bank, then

execute a debt / equity swap with associated general offer

so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for

keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are

transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman

Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder,

who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the

listed company. The annual report says that the company

owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you

kill the two cows because the fung shiu is bad.

ENVIRONMENTALISM: You have two cows. The government bans you

from milking or killing them. FEMINISM: You have two cows.

They get married and adopt a veal calf. TOTALITARIANISM:

You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they

ever existed. Milk is banned. COUNTER CULTURE: Wow, dude,

there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of

this milk. SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The

government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

LIBERTARIANISM: You have two cows. One has actually read the

constitution, believes in it, and has some really good ideas

about government. The cow runs for office, and while most

people agree that the cow is the best candidate, nobody

except the other cow votes for her because they think it

would be "throwing their vote away."

Questions for Mommy...

A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded,"Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the line of questioning, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about the conversation she had with her mother. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.

Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugs and says, I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."

Finally, a way to know what to

Finally, a way to know what to pitch and what to save!
THE GAG TEST
Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
EGGS
When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS
Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway and can't get any more spoiled than it is already. Cheddar cheese is spoiled when you think it is blue cheese but you realize you've never purchased that kind.
MAYONNAISE
If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled.
FROZEN FOODS
Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled - (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
EXPIRATION DATES
This is NOT a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calender in your kitchen.
MEAT
If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, the meat is spoiled.
BREAD
Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment.
FLOUR
Flour is spoiled when it wiggles.
SALT
It never spoils.
CEREAL
It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date.
LETTUCE
Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid.
CANNED GOODS
Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of. Carefully.
CARROTS
A carrot that you can tie a clove hitch in is not fresh.
RAISINS
Raisins should not be harder than your teeth.
POTATOES
Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
CHIP DIP
If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
EMPTY CONTAINERS
Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is an old trick, but it only works if you live with someone or have a maid.
UNMARKED ITEMS
You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them.
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB
Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in or nearby your refrigerator to gauge this.

A man and his wife were drivin

A man and his wife were driving their RV across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."
The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."

Mr. White and his wife went fo

Mr. White and his wife went for a gathering. At commencement of the program, the MC said the people were going to be grouped into two.
He said, "Those whose wives' are the head of the family move to the left-hand side of the auditorium, while those whose husbands are the head of the family should move to the right".
Mr. White asked his wife, "Honey, which group should we move to?"

Feline Heaven

A cat dies and goes to Heaven.
God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask."
The cats says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, a fluffy pillow appears.
A few days later, 6 mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that He made the cat.
The mice said, "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore."
God says, "Say no more." And instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.
About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing? Are you happy here?"
The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

An elderly couple had been dat

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"