Food jokes (2716 to 2730)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 2716 to 2730. |
Sex Related Medical Facts
1. It takes 116 muscles to climax, but only 17 to smile.2. Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world... it's
an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
3. The greater the orgasm, the deeper the sleep. Multiple
orgasms (20 or more per hour) can induce a coma and
near-fusion with the mattress.
4. Eat and drink sensibly. The combination of alcohol and
sex, especially after long abstinence, can cause spontaneous
fizzle.
5. Improved breath control increases oxygen supply
throughout entire body, prevents asphyxiation during mighty
kisses, trims and tones pelvis, promotes a stronger upper
body enabling you to hold on tight and keep partner from
damaging furniture during moments of ecstasy.
6. Better coordination prevents confusion during intricate
manipula-
tions, permitting you to talk and perform at the same time.
7. A single ejaculation, especially from a man,
contains enough sperm cells to fertilize every woman in the
United States Marine Corps.
8. Oral sex is a great way to firm the lower face.
9. After 16 steady hours of sex, it is wise to check
your insurance policy.
10. "Where am I?" should not be considered an abnormal
response to immense orgasm.
11. Men who experience difficulty with insertion should see
a guidance
counselor.
12. Too much arousal can bring on a hard-attack.
13. It's perfectly okay to have sex on an empty stomach,
especially if
it belongs to your partner.
14. You know that you've had too much sex when your
life begins to flash before your eyes.
15. I've had too little sex when my partner begins to flash
before my
eyes.
16. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy,
wealthy and in
demand.
17. Good sex can correct poor posture, or at least make it
stand up
straight. _
18. Thirty percent of our body heat escapes through the head
(wear a
hat during sex).
19. Sex on an inclined surface(an ant hill, for example)
builds endurance.
20. The length of an orgasm is usually anywhere from three
to eleven
seconds or four to seven feet.
21. Sexual survival depends on knowing the difference
between a
birthmark and a rash.
22. To prevent bedsores, oil the sheets.
23. Maintenance tip for massages: change the oil every
10,000 strokes.
Scary Collection 31
A vampire joke
What's a vampire's favourite animal?
A giraffe!
A cannibal joke
What does a cannibal call a skateboarder?
Meals on wheels!
A vampire joke
Why is Hollywood full of vampires?
They need someone to play the bit parts!
A cannibal joke
What do cannibal say when they say grace?
''We thank you, Lord, for our daily dead!
''
A vampire joke
What happened at the vampires reunion?
All the blood relations went!
A cannibal joke
What did the cannibal say when he came home and found his wife chopping up a python and a pygmy?
''Oh no,not snake and pygmy pie again!
''
A vampire joke
What did the vampire say to the doctor who cured his memory loss?
Fangs for the memories!
Business One-liners 87
Never try to pacify someone at the height of his rage.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Never volunteer for anything.
Never wrestle a pig; you both get dirty, and he likes it.
Nice guys finish last but it is lonely at the top.
No experiment is ever a complete failure; it can always be used as a bad example.
No good deed goes unpunished.
No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.
No man's credit is as good as his money.
Good jokes-Growing up
'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'
'C'mon, seriously.. Where did you eat?'
'It was at a place called 'home,'' I explained. 'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining table and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'
By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.
But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it :-
Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card.
My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed (slow).
We didn't have a television in our house until I was 10.
It was, of course, black and white and the station went off the air at 10.00 pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at about 6 am!
And there was usually a locally produced news and farm show on, featuring local people ...
I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line.
Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.
Pizzas were not delivered to our home ... But milk was.
All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers My brother delivered newspapers, seven days a week. He had to get up at 5 am every morning to do this.
Film stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the films.
There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing without profanity or lewd scenes or violence or almost anything offensive.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?
Gone to Heaven
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know". The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.
Several days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him "How are things since you are here?" The cat stretches and yawns and replies "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
Martini
A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.
"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"
"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."
Funny jokes-Reasons for Divorce
A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2."
A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina filed for divorce because his wife "was always nagging him in sign language."
A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her husband because he forced her to "duck under the dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's house."
A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and was much too affectionate."
A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his hamburger without asking for permission."
Pet Monkey
Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs it into his mouth and swallows it. Bartender freaks and starts yelling about how much cue balls cost , etc. The guy tries to calm him down and tells him the monkey will pass it in the next day or so and he'll wash it off real well and bring it back.
Sure enough the guy and the monkey come back into the bar and gave the bartender his cue ball back. Meanwhile the monkey reaches into the peanut bowl, grabs a nut, sticks it in his butt--then eats it. The bartender stares at the monkey who continues to repeat this action again and again. So he asks the guy, "what's up with that?"
"What?"
"your monkey keeps grabbing peanuts one at a time and sticking them in his butt then eating them."
"Oh, that---well, ever since the pool ball incident, he has to measure everything before he eats it."
Top Ten Ways to Freak Out Your Roommate
10) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, ''He just didn't belong.''
9) Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
8) Draw a tiny black line on your nose. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, ''The hair, it's growing. Growing!''
7) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, ''Soon, soon....''
6) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
5) Tell your roommate, ''I've got an important message for you.'' Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, ''Oh, yeah, I remember!'' Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
4) While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
3) Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, ''Hey, where the heck is my sandwich!?'' Complain loudly that you are hungry.
2) Every time your roommate walks in yell, ''Hooray! You're back!'' as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, ''Shouldn't you be going somewhere?''
1) Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, ''No, I want to watch them suffer.'''
Have you been drinking?
A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Stuck nuts
Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her new boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.
"So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"
"Well,” says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's going to become our son-in-law."
Dad, What is sex?
An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question.
But, he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer.
So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees."
After a brief explanation, the little girl appears wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" the father asks.
The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
Super Sex!!!
A woman, completely fed up with her husband's on-line obsession, finally takes matters into her own hands.
One night, as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length mink coat, and posts herself between her husband and the monitor.
She pulls open the coat and yells, "Time for Super Sex!!!"
He ignores her.
So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex", "Super Sex", "Super Sex".
Finally, he replies, "Ok, Ok, I'll take the soup".
