Food jokes (3016 to 3030)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 3016 to 3030. |
A grizzled old man was eating ...
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
A ventriloquist cowboy walked ...
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"
Rancher: "This dog don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin alright"
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)"
Dog : "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Rancher: "Horses don't talk!"
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool" Rancher: (An even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing at rancher)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Rancher: (Total look of amazement)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?"
Rancher: (Stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...."Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothing but liars!!!"
T-G-I-F
A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, "T-G-I-F" (letters only).He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T" (letters only)."
She looked at him, puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, "T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?"
The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Funny New Year jokes-Annual conflict
As in many homes on New Year's Day, Lesley and Mark, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the New Year's lunch. Hoping to keep the peace Mark ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.
Some minutes later, Lesley looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Mark.
She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was.
Mark told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0
'See?' Lesley said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.
SIGNS OBSERVED:
* M...
SIGNS OBSERVED: * Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!
* I'm creative; you can't expect me to be neat, too!
* Ring Bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!
* You may touch the dust in this house, but please don't write in it!
* If you write in the dust, please don't date it!
* I would cook dinner, but I can't find the can opener!
* I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
* If you don't like my standards of cooking, lower your standards.
* A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
* Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.
* Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
* My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it!
Questions for Mommy...
A little girl and her mother were out and about. The girl, out of the blue, asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?" The mother responded,"Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."
The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, fires off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?" The mother, a little annoyed by the line of questioning, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
The little girl, frustrated, sulks until she is dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consults with her girlfriend about the conversation she had with her mother. The girlfriend says, "All you have to do is sneak and look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything.
Later, the little girl and her mother are out and about again. The little girl starts off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
The mother is very shocked. She asks, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
The little girl shrugs and says, I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
"Where did you learn that?"
The little girl says, "I just know. And I know why you and daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
The Cautious Monkey
Aman walks inot a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.He steps up to the bar,sets the monkey on the bar,slidesthe peanut bowl ove to the monkey, then orders a beer. While the man is drinking his beer, the monkey takes a peanut,hulls it,looks at it, stickes it up his ass, then eats the peanut. the brtender sees this and tells the man,"Hey!Get that nasty animal outa my bar.""What nasty animal?"
The man replies. "That monkey"says the bartender,"He's hulling those peanuts ,sticking them up his ass, then eating them."
"Oh,He's not being nasty .He's being cautious."
The man says. "How do you figure that?"
ask the bartender. "Well you see," explained the man,"my monkey used to be a gluttion. Then one day a woman gave him a peach, and after passing that pit,now he makes sure it fits befor he eats it"
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon...
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.Really funny jokes-Christmas letter from Barbie to Santa
Dear Santa:
Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!
There had better be some changes around here this Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).
So, here's my holiday wish list, Santa:
1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweatshirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?
2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin? (It looks like cellulite);
3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct;
4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct;
5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done;
6. A sports bra. To wear until I get the surgery.
7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec or even a hooker....for goodness sake!
8. A new, more '2008 persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum;
9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl;
10. Mattel stock options. It's been 42 years--I think I deserve it; Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.
Up yours truly,
Barbie
A man and his wife are sitting...
A man and his wife are sitting at the kitchen table, which is next to the window. The man's name is Rudolph, and since he is Russian, people call him "Rudolph the Red."Rudolph looked out the window and said to his wife, "Oh look honey, it's raining outside."
She looks out as well and says, "No, I think that is snow."
He looks at her and says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."
The Priest and the Politician
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
It takes your food seven secon...
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now. Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.
Mommy, look at this....
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3-year-old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mommy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her fingers in my mouth and said, "Mommy gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
