Food jokes (3001 to 3015)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 3001 to 3015. |
Good jokes-The secret box
A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.
He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."
The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"
The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid.
It contained $10,000 and three eggs.
"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked. "Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box.
Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.
"And what about that $10,000?"" he asked.
"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I . . . ummm . . . sold them . . . and put a dollar in the box."
He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."
The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that secret box of yours?"
The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid.
It contained $10,000 and three eggs.
"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked. "Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put an egg in the box.
Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about himself and it warmed his soul.
"And what about that $10,000?"" he asked.
"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs in the box, I . . . ummm . . . sold them . . . and put a dollar in the box."
Really funny jokes-Potato family
The Spuds had three daughters, all of whom went away to college. There they met and dated several different people. All three became engaged at the same time, and went home to tell their parents.
The oldest daughter said, "Mom, Dad, I have some good news. I'm getting married!"
The parents asked, "So who is the lucky fellow?"
"His name is Daniel Russet," the daughter said, with a hint of pride in her voice.
"Wonderful!" The proud parents exclaimed. "The Russets are a distinguished line of potatoes!"
The middle daughter said, "Mom, Dad, I have good news, too. I'm also engaged to be married."
"And who are you going to marry, dear?"
"His name is Benjamin Idaho," the daughter replied.
"Oh, the Idahos are a fine old potato family," Mom and Dad Spud said. "We're so happy for both of you!"
The youngest daughter's turn came. She said, "Mom, Dad, you won't believe this. I'm engaged, too!"
"And who is your lucky fellow?" the parents wanted to know.
His name is Tom Brokow," was the reply.
At this the parents looked at their youngest daughter with a disapproving stare. "But, honey," they gasped. "That won't do at all! Why, he's just . . . a common tater!"
The oldest daughter said, "Mom, Dad, I have some good news. I'm getting married!"
The parents asked, "So who is the lucky fellow?"
"His name is Daniel Russet," the daughter said, with a hint of pride in her voice.
"Wonderful!" The proud parents exclaimed. "The Russets are a distinguished line of potatoes!"
The middle daughter said, "Mom, Dad, I have good news, too. I'm also engaged to be married."
"And who are you going to marry, dear?"
"His name is Benjamin Idaho," the daughter replied.
"Oh, the Idahos are a fine old potato family," Mom and Dad Spud said. "We're so happy for both of you!"
The youngest daughter's turn came. She said, "Mom, Dad, you won't believe this. I'm engaged, too!"
"And who is your lucky fellow?" the parents wanted to know.
His name is Tom Brokow," was the reply.
At this the parents looked at their youngest daughter with a disapproving stare. "But, honey," they gasped. "That won't do at all! Why, he's just . . . a common tater!"
A married couple, both avid go...
A married couple, both avid golfers, was discussing the future one night."Honey", the wife said, "if I were to die and you were to remarry, would you two live in this house?"
"I suppose so - it's paid for."
"How about our car? Continued the woman. "Would the two of you keep that?
"I suppose so - it's paid for."
"What about my golf clubs? Would you let her use them too?
"Heck, no," the husband blurted out. "She is left-handed."
A woman goes into a restaurant...
A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone.Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her.
Buford drops his coveralls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt.
The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches foward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat.
Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right, that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."
A cannibal son and his father ...
A cannibal son and his father are out looking for food. They are watching people walk down the street. The son suggested a particularly plump woman and the father rejected saying that she's too fatty. Later on the son asked about a very skinny woman. Again the father refused saying that she’s to skinny. After a while the son pointed out a very attractive woman.” sure son" the father replied, drooling. “We’ll take her home and eat you mother!"A man walks into a bar - he si...
A man walks into a bar - he sits down and orders a drink. The bar man gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts. To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl. "You look great tonight!" it said, "You really look fantastic... and that aftershave is just wonderful!"The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it. Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine. After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine. "You WANKER... Oh my god you STINK... Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother!".
By now, the man is extremely perplexed. He turns to the barman for an explanation.
"Ah yes sir," the barman responds, "The peanuts are complimentary, but the cigarette machine is out of order."
Hilarious jokes-Low budget film
The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names they've gotten for the cast. “First of all,” he tells him, “We've got Gibson in the lead.”
The director is surprised, “You got Mel Gibson?”
“Well, no,” the Producer responds, “we got Marvin Gibson, he's a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And besides, we've also got Redford.”
“You got Robert Redford?” the director asks.
“No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But,” he says enthusiastically, ”we've got Streisand and in a singing role.”
“Barbara Streisand?” he asks.
“No, Elizabeth Streisand.” The Producer responds. “But she's got a great voice. AND we've got Goulet.”
“You got Robert Goulet?” the director asks.
“Yeah,” the producer replies glumly, “we got Robert Goulet.”
The director is surprised, “You got Mel Gibson?”
“Well, no,” the Producer responds, “we got Marvin Gibson, he's a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And besides, we've also got Redford.”
“You got Robert Redford?” the director asks.
“No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But,” he says enthusiastically, ”we've got Streisand and in a singing role.”
“Barbara Streisand?” he asks.
“No, Elizabeth Streisand.” The Producer responds. “But she's got a great voice. AND we've got Goulet.”
“You got Robert Goulet?” the director asks.
“Yeah,” the producer replies glumly, “we got Robert Goulet.”
#joke #food #dinner
Chinese Proverbs
Pass...
Chinese ProverbsPassionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratches butt should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.
Paper-Eating Dog
A minister delivered a sermon in 10 minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning."After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to give one to my minister."
On their second night after th...
On their second night after the wedding, the two blissful newlyweds shut off the lights and crawl under the sheets. Turning anxiously towards his bride, he tenderly informs his wife that tonight he wants a hand job instead of the usual stuff. She, being the proper girl that she is, had absolutely no idea what a "hand job" was. So, she gets out of bed, puts on her robe and heads for the phone to call her mom."Mom," she says, "My new hubby wants a hand job and I don't know what he means."
"Oh, Honey," says her mother, "that's real simple. Just grab his thing and shake it like you were trying to get ketchup out of a bottle."
"Gee, Mom, that's easy enough," she replies. So she hangs up the phone, removes her robe and crawls back into the sack. She snuggles up to her lover, grabs his thing firmly with one hand and starts beating the end with the other.
1. A day without sunshine is l...
1. A day without sunshine is like night.2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6. He who laughs last; thinks slowest.
7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture most people have.
10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
14. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?
21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, 'What the heck happened?'
22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.
Really funny jokes-No menus
A guy goes into a restaurant and asks for a menu, but the waiter tells him, "We don't have menus here. Our chef can make any dish you desire … in fact, if he can't, we'll give you one thousand dollars."
The man sees a chance to make some money so he thinks of something impossible. "Bring me an order of hummingbird tongues on rye toast," he tells the waiter, who returns fairly quickly with a plate. "One order of hummingbird tongues on rye toast. Will there be anything else?"
The man thinks for a second, then says, "I'd like a bowl of lo mein made with rutabaga-flavored noodles that were imported from Bolivia by Paul Newman, accompanied by a croissant with exactly 429 caraway seeds and served on aquamarine-colored bone china from the Yuan Dynasty." The waiter returns in a few minutes with a bowl. "One number eight. Will there be anything else?"
The man thinks another second, then says, "Yes … bring me an elephant ear sandwich." The waiter says disappears into the kitchen and returns with a thousand dollars in cash. "You did it, sir. You beat us." With a broad smile, the man pockets the money. "Didn't have any elephant ears back there, huh?" "Oh no," the waiter says. "We have plenty of elephant ears. We just ran out of the big rolls."
A grizzled old man was eating ...
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."
