Food jokes (2986 to 3000)Jokes about foods. These are the jokes listed 2986 to 3000. |
The boss was concerned that hi...
The boss was concerned that his employees werent giving him enough respect, so he tried an old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said, Im the Boss and taped it to his door.After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. Your wife called. She wants her sign back!
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, P...
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop-N-Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.Known to friends as Brown-n-serve. Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy.
The graveside was piled high with flours as long-time friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes - conned by those who buttered him up. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.
Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
Calling Technical Support
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our
technicians are currently busy helping people who are even
less competent than you, so please hold for the next
available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at
between fifteen minutes and eternity.
In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit
product identification number on to your telephone, followed
by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret
compartment inside your computer where, for security
purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to
prevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 11
3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your
original equipment manufacturer.
Do that NOW!
Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend
that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at
some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM
disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in
order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely
event that he ever gets to your call.
If you were an inconsiderate jerk -- we mean forgetful
customer -- and threw away your original packing materials,
please call the company that sent you the computer and ask
them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles,
fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they
recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while
you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !) ...
It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing
while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting
obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected
and blackballed from further communication with Technical
Support, not only from ours but that of every other
electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we
all talk you know)...
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order
to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to
know more about you and your equipment. Have you called
Technical Support before? If you have, please press the
numeral "one" on your telephone touch pad.
If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using
the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: "I am
confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live."
Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make
arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the
technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will
be too senile to use it anyway. ...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all
of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that
to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may
now add at least another two hours.
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to
the technician about your problem and risking the possibility
that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask
yourself the following questions: 1. If my monitor screen is
dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?
2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before
utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? 3.
Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? 4. Have I
consulted my manual? 5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on
the floppy disk? 6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek
cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing
for me in under five minutes? 6. Have I given the central
processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?
If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions,
please get off the line immediately so that our overworked
technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose
suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really
be so bored that you have to call technical support just to
have someone to speak to about geek stuff. ...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be
aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number
of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as
the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access
erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you
would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes!
Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to
lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may
jump you ahead of several other callers. ...
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been
overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in
line. Please push "one" if you would like to be connected
again to technical Support
1
Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic
sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die
from a massive frustration attack combined with severe
dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so,
please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in
its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down
its internal battery.
As a non-living person, you will have no further need of
Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from
our list of registered product users.
Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve
your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or
beneficiaries contact us should any further technical
problems arise.
Dumb Instructions
“Warning: May contain nuts.” — On a package of peanuts.“Do not eat.” — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
“Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box.” — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
“Warning: May cause drowsiness.” — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
“Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.” — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
“Do not use orally after using rectally.” — In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
“Turn off motor before using this product.” — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
“Not to be used as a personal flotation device.” — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.
“Do not put in mouth.” — On a box of bottle rockets.
“Please remove before driving.” — On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
“Remove plastic before eating.” — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
“Not dishwasher safe.” — On a remote control for a TV.
“For lifting purposes only.” — On the box for a car jack.
“Do not put lit candles on phone.” — On the instructions for a cordless phone.
“Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” — On the packaging for a wristwatch.
“Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.” — On a battery.
What's that Restaurant?
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.”The other man said, “What is the name of the restaurant?”
The first man thought and thought and finally said, “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know… the one that's red and has thorns.”
“Do you mean a rose?”
“Yes, that's the one,” replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, “Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?”
Funny jokes-You might be a cop if
You Might Be a Cop if...people shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room.
your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.
you disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.
you believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.
you believe prozac should be added regularly to the water system.
when you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.
you want to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide - getting it right the first time."
you call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.
you believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow over 150.
you walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you...".
She was standing in the kitche...
She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the T' shirt that she normally slept in.As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment. My eyes lit up and I thought I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. After wards she said, thanks and returned to the stove, her T' shirt still around her neck.
A little puzzled, I asked, 'what was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken!
Payback
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer."Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT - that's awesome!" exclaimed the guy.
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?"
"Certainly, sir, "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy.
"4 cents," replies the bartender.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy... "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies... "Same as I'm doing to his business!"
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by calamjo
A young couple, married just a...
A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returned from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning, the husband woke up, showered, dressed and made his way to the kitchen where he saw his new wife crying.So the husband inquired, "What's wrong, Honey?"
"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."
The husband smiled his biggest smile and said, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom, and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So, off they went to the bedroom.
That afternoon, the husband came home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.
"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"
"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch, and I just can't cook."
Again the husband smiled and said, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again.
That evening the new husband came home, walked in the house and saw his new bride buck naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she ran, and WHOOSH! down the banister. After the third trip up the stairs, the puzzled husband asked, "What are you doing, Honey?"
She replied with a smile, "Warming up your supper!"
Shipwrecked on an Island
Two men were shipwrecked near an island. When they landed ashore, one of them began screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"
The second man leaned calmly against a palm tree.
When the first man saw how calm his friend was, he went crazy and shouted, "Don't you understand?! We're going to die!!"Undisturbed, the second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."
Dumbfounded, the first man looked at him and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"
The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. Wherever I am, my pastor will be sure to find me!"
Really funny jokes-Feed the pigs
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."
Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."
And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
Dumber Child
There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells “There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth.”The second professor says “No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot.”
The first professor says “Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner.”
The son says, gleefully, “Sure dad” and runs off.
The second professor not to be outdone says “Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave.”
Sam says “OK.” and leaves. The professors keep arguing.
Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, “Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it.”
Sam says “Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave.”
Really funny jokes-Poker pro
"Look, man," he says, "I really hate to ask this but you've known me for years and you know I wouldn't ask unless I'm desperate. I've been running terrible, I can't feed my wife and kids right now, and we're about to get kicked out of our house. Can I borrow $1,000 just to keep our heads above water until I figure something out?"
"Of course," his friend says, "but with just one condition. You have to swear to me that you won't play poker with it, and that it'll go towards food for your family."
The poker pro breaks out into a huge grin. "I swear. I can even prove it to you, as here's my $10,000 entry to the Main Event that I just bought in for, so I'll definitely be too busy the next few days to even think about playing poker with the $1,000!"
