Fruit jokes (406 to 420)Jokes about fruits. These are the jokes listed 406 to 420. |
Funny jokes-Origins
Jack, the British guy, said, "They have to be British, only a gentleman would share his last apple with a woman."
Pierre, the French guy claimed, "There is no doubt they were French. The French are so good at seducing women."
Bob, the American commented, "My guess is they were Russian. After all, who else could roam around naked, survive on one apple between the two of them and still feel they were in paradise?"
22 Reasons not to buy a used sofa
You do not want to buy a used sofa when the owner says:1. "That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made."
2. "Have you had your shots?"
3. "If you find any fingers in there, pack 'em in ice and give us a call."
4. "It's almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions out."
5. "It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder surgery."
6. "It only smells this way when it's humid."
7. "You can have those Fritos."
8. "I once spent ten days tied to this couch."
9. "It's non-flammable, unless you really try."
10. "It should be clean, we hosed it off."
11. "Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars."
12. "It can even float for nearly an hour."
13. "You like the smell of beer, don't you?"
14. "It's not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard enough."
15. "I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then."
16. "It used to be a lot longer."
17. "You'll need the brick to keep it level, unless you've got a saw."
18. "AmVets and GoodWill wouldn't take it."
19. "Don't smoke near it."
20. "You can hardly tell where they hurled."
21. "The fire hardly touched this side."
22. "It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we found it by the highway."
Hair Color
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him.
Finally the boy said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"
The old man thought for a while and answered, "well yes actually, I have, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Sizing up the opportunity
A man walks into a bar with a monkey in tow. The man sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him a beer and watches the man's monkey run around along the bar.
The monkey grabs a peanut and swallows it whole, then grabs a slice a lime and swallows that whole.
Finally, the monkey jumps onto a pool table, grabs the cue ball and manages to shove it in his mouth then swallow it whole as well. The bartender asks the man, "You see what your monkey's done?"
The man looks up from his beer and says, "No...what's he done now?" The bartender tells the man and the man apologizes, pays for the damage done and leaves with his monkey.
The bartender doesn't see the man at the bar for a month, but the man does return with the same monkey in tow.
The man asks for a beer, and the bartender obliges. The monkey proceeds to jump up on the bar, grabs a cherry, shoves it up his butt then takes it out and swallows it whole.
The bartender says to the man, "You see what your monkey's done?!"
The man looks up from his beer and says, "No...what's he done now?" The bartender tells him.
The man replies, "Yeah, he does that now...After the cue ball he checks to make sure he can get it out before he swallows it."
Dog Jokes 06
Q: What kind of meat do you give a stupid dog?
A: Chump chops!
Q: How many seasons are there in a dogs life?
A: Just one, the moulting season!
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: It doesn't matter what you call him, he still won't come!
Q: Why is it called a "litter" of puppies?
A: Because they mess up the whole house!
Q: How do you stop a dog smelling?
A: Put a peg on it's nose!
Q: What is the best time to take a Rottweiler for a walk?
A: Any times he wants to!
Q: When is a black dog not a black dog?
A: When it's a greyhound!
Q: How do you feel if you cross a sheepdog with a melon?
A: Melon-collie!
Q: What do you get if cross two young dogs with a pair of headphones?
A: Hush puppies!
Q: What do you call a litter of young dogs who have come in from the snow?
A: Slush puppies!
Ponderings Collection 42
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
Things to do @ Wal-Mart while ...
Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:1. Get cans of cat food and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
Things to do @ Wal-Mart while ...
Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:1. Get cans of cat food and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10."
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M&M's on layaway.
8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
Ponderings Collection 23
If progress is technology moving forward,then what is congress?
Why do we go under over-passes and over under-passes?
What if C-A-T really spelled DOG?
How do "Keep off the grass" signs get where they are?
If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn't the plural of "house" be "hice"?
What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten?
If you put orange juice in the freezer it becomes frozen, then why when you squeeze an orange doesn't it become squozen?
Why is there only one Monopolies commission?
Why do ballet dancers always dance on their toes? Wouldn't it be easier to just hire taller dancers?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
The big squeeze...
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest manaround that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"
The man replied "I work for the IRS."
Ten Worst Gifts To Buy A Woman
1. Never give a woman any kind of household appliance or something that is going to make "housework" easier. For instance, a blender, a toaster, a new vacuum, one of those mops they advertise on tv that does everything but suck the life out of you, anything in a informercial. The only wise choice is a new washing machine with a turbo spin cycle. (Makes laundry day go by pretty fast when you can at least sit on it during spin-dry and end up smiling the rest of the day.)
2. Any bulk cleaning supplies, "honey, I got you that large box of Tide you have been wanting." "This Windex should last you a while." "I got a good deal on the industrial strength toilet bowl cleaner." All I can say is, be prepared to run. I have faith that if you would have at least stopped and thought about what would be a much more intimate gift, you would have had the sense to spring for the $5 Chia Pet you were eyeing in Kmart.
3. Any sharp objects made by Ronco which slices or dices, or a set of ginsu knives. These may one day be used as a weapon against you when you come home with lipstick on your collar after a "night out with the boys."
4. Do not buy gifts for yourself and pretend they are for her. "Honey, I'm sure you'll get a lot of use out of the new drill I bought you." By then she will have put it to good use by drilling a quarter inch hole into the side of your skull for even thinking she would accept such a lame gift. After a gift like this, you probably won't be around for NEXT Christmas.
5. Any lingerie made of flannel, such as a pair of feet pajamas with a trap door in back. A Little Mermaid or Barney cartoon character nightgown. It gives her the idea that you do not consider her the sexy woman that she is. Take out that wallet and buy her something sexy from Victoria Secret (just like you did for your mistress or other girlfriend).
6. No name perfume which costs you $1.99, such as Eu de Toilet, which actually smells like the bathroom, moldy fruit, or your dirty socks. If you are going to buy her perfume, spring for the brand names.
7. Any type of cubic zirconia jewelry you see on the Home Shopping Network. It will be quite embarrassing when she is showing off that fabulous diamond to her friends and tries to cut glass with it. (We actually test them you know.) Also, now would not be a good time to buy her that set of diamond nipple clamps you always wanted to, you know how we like to show off our jewelry and it could get embarrassing at the New Year's party when she decides to show them off to your buddies.
8. Please do not buy her clothes because you think for one minute you have good taste in woman's clothing. Well, perhaps you might if you are a transvestite, but all in all, believe me, she'll smile and say its beautiful while choking back tears and mumbling under her breath, "were the hell would I ever wear this outfit without being arrested for bad taste?" An additional hint, plaids do not go with stripes (even though you think your golfing outfit looks just fine). Its a known fact to the rest of the world that that is a taboo. In the Northeast, thats like wearing white after Labor Day.
9. Do not give her a gift certificate to Jenny Craig or Weight Watchers. Most men would know better, especially the ones who have learned the correct response to "do these pants make me look fat." If you are one of the poor souls who still doesn't get it and purchased a gift like this, be prepared for the silent treatment for a month. (Although that may be something you would actually look forward to.) A better alternative would be hiring a Chippendale dancer as a personal trainer to get her motivated into getting fit.
10. Last but not least, never buy a woman anti-wrinkle cream, or a book on "How not to be Nasty Sunday through Saturday." These are not considered gifts, they are considered reasons for seriously injuring the person who bought it and just may stand up in court of law.
Cannibals
One day three people were stuck on an island with cannibals.
The cannibals said, "If you do what we say, we won't kill you".
So the 3 people followed the orders which were to go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of your choice.
So the first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. The cannibals said, "put the apples up your ass without making a facial expression". The person held his composure however then made a facial expression after the second apple, so the cannibals killed him.
The second person came back out of the forest with 10 cherries. The cannibals said, "put the cherries up your ass without making a facial expression". However as much as he tried to restrain himself the person burst into tears laughing on the tenth cherry, so they killed him.
In heaven, the person with apples asked the person with cherries "why did you start laughing?"
The person replied, "I saw the third person come out with pineapples."
Lightbulb Joke Collection 74
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Five. Two to write the specification program, one to screw it in, and two to explain why the project was late.
Q: How many 'real' programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None. 'Real' programmers prefer LEDs.
Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
Q: How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Farm.
Note: Refers to the Newton's poor handwriting recognition techniques of the past.
Q: How many Apple Newton users does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, tharks to the extnq-producilve handwritling processcr.
Q: How many alt.freaks does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None, they just all move into a room with a working light.
