Fruit jokes (421 to 435)

My son....

A young punk gets on the cross town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple & orange. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally the punk gets self-conscious and yells at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat the old man replied, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore & had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

Lines

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said,
"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Apples

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

An apple a day....

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

Easy diagnosis....

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Chuck Norris was born a blonde...

Chuck Norris was born a blonde, but the blood of his victims dyed his hair and beard to a healthy orange.

We judge on results...

A minister has just died and is standing on line waiting to be judges and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. "I'm a taxi driver from Noo Youk Cidy"

Suddenly the angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.

Next, the minister steps up to the angel and the angel hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"

The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results, all of your people sleep through your sermons, in his taxi, they pray."

English Is Very Strange

Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?
If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?
In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
Is there another word for a synonym?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
Where do swear words come from?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do people use the word "irregardless"?
Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?
Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?
Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?
Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Orange

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

You Might Be A Redneck If 30

You might be a redneck if...
You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.
You have barnyard animals living in your house.
Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.
Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, "Gun control is a steady hand."
Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.
You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.
You have ever shot a possum on your porch.
You don't use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can't see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors' dogs when they get into it.
You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house....not including 22 caliber.

Things To Do At Wal-Mart While You Wait For Your Family To Shop

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'I think we have a code 3 in housewares,' and see what happens.

5. Put some M&M's on lay away.

6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, 'Why won't you people leave me alone.'

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!'

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!'

15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud.....'Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!'

Food

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken, or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Nah, still not hungry."

"Well," she said, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

For chocolate lovers...

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

An icebox of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate,it will keep inthe freezer...But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

Fifty Ways To Be Annoying In Computer Labs

1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
3. When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the it to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evily.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to a different screen than the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs" theme song and play it at the highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press Return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you (It helps if you know them, but this is also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and put your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting the keys with the straw.
20. If you're sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a pictue of a woman (or man) on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women (men) are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Ninetendo cartridge into the 3 1/2 disk drive. When it doesn't work, get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when its all done (two days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this for a while, spit them out at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at the screen, grind your teeth, stop, look at the person next to you, grinding. Repeat procedure, making sure you never provoke the person enough to let them blow up, as this releases tension, and it is far more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them and deposit them on your neighbor's keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove shoes and place them of top of the monitor. Remove socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type up your paper like this. Then go to the lab supervisor and complain about the bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice & make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (ie. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit a key, hum its note loudly. Write an entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computer's mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard & taking it.
36. Bring in a bunch of magnets and have fun.
37. When doing calculations, pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so your fill isn't affected). Then look at your neighbor's keyboard. Hit his/her delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the space bar on your keyboard. Keep doing this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbor's document. Then, suddenly exclaim: "Well, whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar this whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next to your's screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say. "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hangup before they get a chance to figure out you're a total stranger.
45. Bring an small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then laugh happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the computer assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week".
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.

Play a Game

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it.
The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, "The object is red and grows on trees."
A kid raised his hand and said "an apple" the teacher said correct.
Then she said, "The object is flat and comes in different colors" a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook!
The teacher said correct.
Then Johnny said, "ooh! ooh! Can I try?"
The teacher said yes.
He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said "The object is round, hard, and has a head on it."
The teacher said "JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!"

Johnny said, "No it's a quarter!"