Fruit jokes (421 to 435)

America Offline

[To the tune of "American Pie"]

A long, long, time ago

I can still remember when I dialed up their help desk lines.

And I knew if I had the chance

They could make my modem dance

with chats and GIFs and silly pick-up lines.

But Help Desk phone calls made me shiver

with every busy they'd deliver.

Bad news on the front page

A 19-hour outrage.

I can't remember if I cried

when I realized that Steve Case had lied.

But something touched me deep inside

The day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine.

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

Did you write the book of TOS

Will you send your password to PWD-BOSS

If an IM tells you so.

And will you believe the Motley Fool

When he tells you that the service rules

And can you teach me how to Web real slow?

Well I know you sold the service short

Cause I saw your quarterly report.

Steve Case sold off his stock

It fell just like a rock.

It was a crazy, costly high-tech play

As they slashed away at what subscribers pay

And half their users went away

the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

Well for two days we've been on our own

And dial-ins click on a rolling phone

But that's not how it used to be

When the mogul came to Virginia court

With an OS icon and a browser port

And a desktop that looked like Apple III.

And while Jim Clark was looking down

The mogul stole his thorny crown

The browser war was turned.

Mozilla...was spurned.

And while Steve left users out to bond

With hosts unable to respond

6 million newbies all were conned

the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

Da Chronic ducked their software guards

And stole a million credit cards

To use accounts he'd gotten free

And so Steve Case went to the FBI

and he told Boardwatch a little lie

That hackers wanted child pornography

But while Steve Case was looking down

The hackers pulled his e-mail down

They put it on the net.

He can't be trusted yet!

And while user cynicism climbs

At sign-on ads and welcome rhymes

They scan their e-mail for "Good Times"

the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

Helter-skelter billing needs a melter

The lawyers filed a class-action shelter

Eight million in lawyer's fees.

But it looks like some attorney jibe

an hour if they resubscribe.

To a service marketed for free

Well I KNOW you're raking in the bucks

Cause I'm reading alt.aol-sucks.

"Until we bless the suit

The settlement is moot."

"If AOL treats you like the Borg

Then visit aolsucks.org

Before some router pulls the cord..."

the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

Bill Razzouk, the head-to-be

sold off his home in Tennessee

And headed for a 4-month end.

Was he sad or just incensed

when Case offered him his thirty cents.

Billing is the devil's only friend.

But as I read him on the page

My hands were clenched in fists of rage.

No "Welcome" born in hell

could ring that chatroom bell.

And as chat freaks cried into the night

CompuServe read their last rites.

I saw Earthlink laughing with delight

the day the service died.

So bye bye to Amer'ca Online

Drove my modem to a domain and it's working just fine

And good old geeks are cheering users offline

Saying this'll be the day that they die.

This'll be the day that they die.

I met a girl in Lobby 9

And I asked her if she'd stay on-line.

But she just frowned and looked away.

And I went back to the Member Lounge

To see what loyalty I could scrounge

But Room Host said the members went away...

And on the net the modems scream

At faster speeds and data streams.

And not a tear was spoken.

The hourly fees were broken.

And the three men that I hated most

Ted, and Steve, and Razzouk's ghost

They couldn't dial up the host

The day the service died.

Fan story

My son....

A young punk gets on the cross town bus. He's got spiked, multicolored hair that's green, purple & orange. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old man who just glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally the punk gets self-conscious and yells at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat the old man replied, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore & had sex with a parrot. I thought you might be my son."

Lines

One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all humans on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to Heaven. God came in and said,
"I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.
The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man.
God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Apples

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
"Take only ONE. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

An apple a day....

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."

Easy diagnosis....

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Chuck Norris was born a blonde...

Chuck Norris was born a blonde, but the blood of his victims dyed his hair and beard to a healthy orange.

We judge on results...

A minister has just died and is standing on line waiting to be judges and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. "I'm a taxi driver from Noo Youk Cidy"

Suddenly the angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.

Next, the minister steps up to the angel and the angel hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"

The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results, all of your people sleep through your sermons, in his taxi, they pray."

English Is Very Strange

Did you know that "verb" is a noun?
How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can't spell them?
If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?
If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?
If you've read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn't this also mean that you would have to "member" somebody in order to remember them?
In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?
Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?
Is there another word for a synonym?
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
What is another word for "thesaurus"?
Where do swear words come from?
Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
Why do people use the word "irregardless"?
Why do some people type "cool" as "kewl?"
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?
Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?
Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?
Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?
Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?
Why don't we say "why" instead of "how come"?
Why is "crazy man" an insult, while to insert a comma and say "Crazy, man!" is a compliment?
Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?
Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?
Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?
Why is it that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?
Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Orange

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

You Might Be A Redneck If 30

You might be a redneck if...
You've ever worn hunter's orange to church.
You have barnyard animals living in your house.
Every pair of jeans you own has a tobacco can ring worn in one of the rear pockets.
Your truck has a bumper sticker that reads, "Gun control is a steady hand."
Your wife has ever torn her hose on the boogers stuck under the front of the pickup seat.
You have ever had a special loaded gun by the back door only for use on possums.
You have ever shot a possum on your porch.
You don't use a garbage service because it must be placed up near the mail box and you can't see far enough thru the trees to shoot the neighbors' dogs when they get into it.
You only go to the dump when you have enough to fill up the pickup.
You have more than 500 rounds of ammunition in your house....not including 22 caliber.

Things To Do At Wal-Mart While You Wait For Your Family To Shop

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples' carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10-minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, 'I think we have a code 3 in housewares,' and see what happens.

5. Put some M&M's on lay away.

6. Move CAUTION WET FLOOR signs to carpet areas.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department, tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, 'Why won't you people leave me alone.'

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from 'Mission Impossible.'

11. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through whisper 'PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!'

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream 'NO! NO! It's those voices again!'

15. Go to the fitting room and yell real loud.....'Hey we're out of toilet paper in here!'

Food

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks.
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken, or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Nah, still not hungry."

"Well," she said, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

For chocolate lovers...

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

An icebox of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate,it will keep inthe freezer...But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.