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Fruit jokes (466 to 480)

Jokes about fruits. These are the jokes listed 466 to 480.

Taking the Edge Off

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.

"Would you like

bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and

coffee to

follow?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really

taken the edge

off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl

of home-

made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she

inquires.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really

taken the edge

off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

She'll go to

the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a

steak and

apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty

stir-fry?

That would only take a couple of minutes."

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really

taken the edge

off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm

starving!"

#joke #fruit #apple #food #soup #breakfast #sandwich #cheese #pizza #egg #pie #muffin #steak #bacon #drinks #coffee
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 3.35/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (17)

Better write it down...

My Grandpa and Grandma were sitting on their porch swing enjoying the nice evening breeze, when Grandpa lovingly leaned over and said, "Hey Ma, I'm gonna have some ice cream, would you like some?"

"Yeah, Pa, but you'd better write it down or you'll forget", says Grandma.

Grandpa replies, "I won't forget." "Alright then", says Grandma, "I'd like nuts and whipped cream and a cherry on mine.

You'd better write that down, Pa you're gonna forget it." Disgruntled, Grandpa storms off to the kitchen mumbling that he wouldn't forget.

Well he's in there a long time, and when he finally does return, he has the best lookin' plate of scrambled eggs you ever saw. He smiles his best smile and leans over to give it to Grandma.

She just smiles back and says, "I told you that you'd better write it down, you old coot, you forgot my bacon!!!"...

#joke #fruit #cherry #food #egg #bacon
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 2.63/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (8)

How To Know You're Ready For Parenthood

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream (this could wake a child at night).

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill it halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Get the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 mo. Now remove 10% of the beans.

PHYSICAL TEST (MEN): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers

#joke #animal #goat #octopus #fish #fruit #food #breakfast #beans #butter #drinks #milk
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.31/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (13)

Damien Lemon: Absentee Fathers

Fathers Day just be Mothers Day the sequel.
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 3.27/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (11)

Q. What did one strawberry say...

Q. What did one strawberry say to the other?

A. "If you weren't so fresh last night, we wouldn't be in this jam together!"
#joke #short #fruit #strawberry
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.25/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (8)

Q: Why do little melons have t...

Q: Why do little melons have to have big weddings?

A: Because they "cantaloupe."
#joke #short #fruit #melon #wedding
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 4.63/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (8)

You might be a redneck if 69

You might be a reneck if...

You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator.

Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust.

The fire department leaves after discovering that the fire that destroyed y.

You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year o.

Your dog's shots are up to date but your children's aren't.

You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples.

Your whole family sleeps in the same bed.

You consider your annual bath one too many.

You wore a baseball cap to the opera.

If you are 20 and you can still go in McDonald's playhouse.

If you think Purina is some kind of Ex-Lax.

#joke #animal #dog #fruit #apple #sport #baseball #redneck
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 4.60/10

Rating: 4.6/10 (5)

T.J. Miller: Fighting With an Ex

She said, Youre an unoriginal jerk. Everything youve said to me youve said to some other girl. I felt awful but I was like, Yeah, of course. Theres only a limited amount of words in the English language that make sense to say to a female. If you can only use them once, youre going to run out and be like, Garbage truck banana boat.
#joke #fruit #banana
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 5.11/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (38)

"Simon, if I had eight apples ...

"Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?”

“Huge hands, sir.”
#joke #short #fruit #apple
Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (30)

"Simon, if I had eight apples ...

"Simon, if I had eight apples in my right hand and ten apples in my left hand, what would I have?”
“Huge hands, sir.”
#joke #short #fruit #apple
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (6)

Sheng Wang: Eating a Pomegranate

I ate a pomegranate; that is a magical fruit. Its like juice corn. Its like God got stoned one day, and he was like, You know what, Im going to put some fruit juice inside these kernels. Lets do that. But Im not going to put it on the cob; Im going to shove it up this fat, dirty radish.
#joke #short #fruit #food #eating #drinks #juice
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 4.33/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (15)

Lawyer jokes-Orange

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"
#joke #lawyer #fruit #orange #drinks #juice
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 6.09/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (11)

Dumb Instructions

“Warning: May contain nuts.” — On a package of peanuts.

“Do not eat.” — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

“Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box.” — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

“Warning: May cause drowsiness.” — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

“Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.” — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

“Do not use orally after using rectally.” — In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

“Turn off motor before using this product.” — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

“Not to be used as a personal flotation device.” — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.

“Do not put in mouth.” — On a box of bottle rockets.

“Please remove before driving.” — On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

“Remove plastic before eating.” — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

“Not dishwasher safe.” — On a remote control for a TV.

“For lifting purposes only.” — On the box for a car jack.

“Do not put lit candles on phone.” — On the instructions for a cordless phone.

“Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” — On the packaging for a wristwatch.

“Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.” — On a battery.

#joke #fruit #food #peanuts #eating
Joke | Source: Joke Diary - Really Funny Jokes Daily
  • Currently 4.98/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (42)

Funny jokes-Watermelons

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".
#joke #fruit #watermelon
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 3.50/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (10)

Greg Fitzsimmons: Orange Alert at the Airport

They make that announcement, If you notice anything unusual, please immediately report it to airport security. So, I grab the guy, I go, Yeah, I just saw somebody pay $11 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. And right around the corner, theyre selling luggage inside the airport. Im going to do another lap. Ill let you know if I see anything.
#joke #fruit #orange #drinks #coffee
Joke | Source: Comedy Central: Jokes - Jokes provided daily from Comedy Central's archive.
  • Currently 6.18/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (11)

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