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Fruit jokes (451 to 465)

Jokes about fruits. These are the jokes listed 451 to 465.

Lemons Anyone?

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."

#joke #short #fruit #lemon
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (2)

Men are Like . . .

Men are like . . . Bananas

The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like . . . Cement

After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Men are like . . . Coffee.

The best ones are rich, warm and keep you up all night

long.

Men are like . . . High Heels.

They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

#joke #fruit #banana #drinks #coffee
Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
  • Currently 5.88/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (8)

Different ways to say your not so bright...

A few clowns short of a circus.

A few fries short of a Happy Meal.

An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.

A few beers short of a six-pack.

Dumber than a box of hair.

A few peas short of a casserole.

Doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box.

The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.

One taco short of a combination plate.

A few feathers short of a whole duck.

All foam, no beer.

The cheese slid off her cracker.

Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.

Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.

He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

As smart as bait.

Chimney's clogged.

Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.

Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

Forgot to pay his brain bill.

Her sewing machine's out of thread.

His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.

His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

No grain in the silo.

Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.

Receiver is off the hook.

Several nuts short of a full pouch.

Skylight leaks a little.

Slinky's kinked.

Surfing in Nebraska.

Too much yardage between the goal posts.

Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

The lights are on, but nobody's home.

24 cents short of a quarter.

#joke #animal #dog #fruit #food #peas #cheese #fries #meal #drinks #beer
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Really funny jokes-Final list of things to do in the Library

A final list of things you can do in the LIBRARY..
1. Start telling a VERY strange story, then half way through say, “Never mind.
2. Turn to them and while pointing your fingers at them as if you were electrocuting them, say, “BUZZ!!! BUZZ!!. .
3. Start arguing with yourself. When they ask you who you are talking to, say, “Your just jealous ‘cause the voices are talking to ME!!!?
4. Say, “Who's Freddie??Then act like you didn't say anything.
5. Say, “Argh! My central nervous system in shot! Quick! Give me blue china!!!
6. Introduce your self by saying, “Hi! I'd like a hamburger, and a green South America please.?When they ask what your problem is, say, “Ohh, your not my fairy god mother? I'm sorry, he must have flown into the bookcases. Bye!?and run off.
7. Continuously rub a book while chanting, “Come out, come out. I know you're in there!?When they ask what you're doing, say, “I'm calling the book genie out!?/font>
8. Run up to them with a book, thrust it under their nose and ask, “Will you sign my autograph?!??Make sure you say MY.
9. Get up onto the table, and start acting like a duck. When they ask what you're doing, say happily, “I'm roosting!?
10. Bring a bottle of glue and sniff it while counting down from a very high number. When they ask what you're doing, say, “I'm counting my brain cells!?
11. Stick a ‘kick me?sing on your back, and accuse them of putting it their.
12. Repeat every thing they say to you.
13. Ask them, “Have you ever had an orange juice bath??When they look at you strangely, say, “What??
14. Look up suddenly and yell, “Ohh no!? When they ask you what happened, say, “Nothing.?Then do it again.
15. Stare accusingly at the other person, and when they look at you, say, “Where were you on the night of February 32, 1989?!?
16. Look at one page number, then a different one. They say in astonishment, “Wow! The page numbers are in order! Cool! They guy who came up with that musta been a genius!!
17. Glance over your shoulder every few seconds.
18. Maintain a look of horror constantly, but act normal other wise.
19. Say to him/her, “You have the right to remain silent!?
20. Pat your stomach and say, “Whoa. Human extremities do not settle well.?
21. Get a child's book like “Green Eggs and Ham?and complain that there is no glossary.
22. Find a thesaurus and say in complete astonishment, “Wow! Did you know that ‘affirmative?and ‘yes? mean the same thing??
23. Say, “Omph!?like you were just shot, and while smushing a ketchup pack on your chest, fall on the floor. Then get back up like nothing happened. After that, look at your stomach, and say, “What? How'd this stain get here??while motioning to the ketchup.
#joke #fruit #orange #food #ham #egg #drinks #juice #mother
Joke | Source: Really Funny Jokes - Really Funny jokes, adult jokes, Good jokes, short funny jokes, teacher jokes, affair jokes, kids jokes, doctor jokes, funny pictures
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

The confession...

Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women."

The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing."

"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"

"No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face."

#joke #fruit #lemon #drinks #juice #father
Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Bloopers from Sunday School Students

  • Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
  • Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
  • The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
  • The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

    #joke #short #fruit #apple #food #bread
  • Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
    • Currently 2.13/10

    Rating: 2.1/10 (8)

    Watermelons

    There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

    watermelons

    After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
    The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"

    #joke #fruit #watermelon
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
    • Currently 4.00/10

    Rating: 4.0/10 (3)

    Finding a Chinese Jew

    Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"

    "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"

    When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"

    "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews."

    "Are you sure?" Al asked.

    "I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."

    When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."

    "Are you really sure?" Al asked again.

    "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."

    "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chinese Jews."

    #joke #fruit #orange #food #tomato
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
    • Currently 2.89/10

    Rating: 2.9/10 (9)

    Bloopers from Sunday School Students

  • In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
  • Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.
  • Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.
  • Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

    #joke #short #fruit #apple #food #salt
  • Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
    • Currently 3.38/10

    Rating: 3.4/10 (8)

    Admit that you did that

    An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.

    He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

    Nobody answered him.

    He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

    Again nobody answered.

    The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,

    "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"

    To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."

    The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"

    The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"

    #joke #fruit #cherry #father
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the day - Taken from Bartender's guide to Jokes, Drinks, and Poker - once good site, no longer active.
    • Currently 3.33/10

    Rating: 3.3/10 (9)

    - EVER WONDER
    -
    - Wh...

    - EVER WONDER
    -
    - Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
    -
    - Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
    -
    - Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
    -
    - Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
    -
    - Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
    -
    - Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
    -
    - Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
    - made with real lemons?
    -
    - Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
    -
    - Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
    -
    - Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
    -
    - When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
    -
    - Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
    -
    - Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
    -
    - You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
    - don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
    -
    - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
    -
    - Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
    -
    - If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
    -
    - If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
    #joke #doctor #animal #cat #dog #mouse #sheep #fruit #lemon #food #drinks #juice
    Joke | Source: MHINTZ0929's Blog - New funny joke each day
    • Currently 5.57/10

    Rating: 5.6/10 (7)

    Chuck Norris can squeeze orang...

    Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
    #joke #short #chuck-norris #fruit #lemon #orange #drinks #juice
    Joke | Source: Daily Chuck - Daily Chuck Norris Fact
    • Currently 2.88/10

    Rating: 2.9/10 (59)

    - EVER WONDER
    -
    - ...

    - EVER WONDER
    -
    - Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
    -
    - Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
    -
    - Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
    -
    - Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
    -
    - Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
    -
    - Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
    -
    - Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
    - made with real lemons?
    -
    - Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
    -
    - Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
    -
    - Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
    -
    - When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
    -
    - Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
    -
    - Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
    -
    - You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
    - don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
    -
    - Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
    -
    - Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
    -
    - If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
    -
    - If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
    #joke #doctor #animal #cat #dog #mouse #sheep #fruit #lemon #food #drinks #juice
    Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
    • Currently 3.11/10

    Rating: 3.1/10 (9)

    The habit...

    A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

    Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

    Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what "you've" been doing."

    #joke #fruit #lemon #drinks #juice #mother
    Joke | Source: Jokes - Used to be - Pacific products joke of the day, but site no longer works.
    • Currently 3.22/10

    Rating: 3.2/10 (9)

    Sizing up the opportunity.

    A man walks into a bar with a monkey in tow. The man sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him a beer and watches the man's monkey run around along the bar. The monkey grabs a peanut and swallows it whole, then grabs a slice a lime and swallows that whole. Finally, the monkey jumps onto a pool table, grabs the cue ball and manages to shove it in his mouth then swallow it whole as well. The bartender asks the man, "You see what your monkey's done?" The man looks up from his beer and says, "No...what's he done now?" The bartender tells the man and the man apologizes, pays for the damage done and leaves with his monkey.

    The bartender doesn't see the man at the bar for a month, but the man does return with the same monkey in tow. The man asks for a beer, and the bartender obliges. The monkey proceeds to jump up on the bar, grabs a cherry, shoves it up his butt then takes it out and swallows it whole. The bartender says to the man, "You see what your monkey's done?!" The man looks up from his beer and says, "No...what's he done now?" The bartender tells him and the man replies,Bartender in B/W

    "Yeah, he does that now...After the cue ball he checks to make sure he can get it out before he swallows it."

    #joke #walksintoabar #animal #monkey #fruit #cherry #drinks #beer
    Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
    • Currently 3.83/10

    Rating: 3.8/10 (6)

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