Fruit jokes (526 to 540)Jokes about fruits. These are the jokes listed 526 to 540. |
An Internet Christmas
T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
The twelve days after Christmas
The first day after ChristmasMy true love and I had a fight
And so I chopped the pear tree down
And burnt it, just for spite
Then with a single cartridge
I shot that blasted partridge
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
The second day after Christmas
I pulled on the old rubber gloves
And very gently wrung the necks
Of both the turtle doves
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the third day after Christmas
My mother caught the croup
I had to use the three French hens
To make some chicken soup
The four calling birds were a big mistake For their language was obscene
The five golden rings were completely fake and turned my fingers green.
The sixth day after Christmas
The six laying geese wouldn't lay
So I sent the whole darn gaggle to the
A.S.P.C.A.
My true love, my true love, my true love gave to me.
On the seventh day, what a mess I found The seven swans-a-swimming all had drowned.
The eighth day after Christmas
Before they could suspect
I bundled up the
Eight maids-a-milking
Nine ladies dancing
Ten lords-a-leaping
Eleven pipers piping
Twelve drummers drumming
And sent them back collect
I wrote my true love
"We are through, love!"
And I said in so many words
"Furthermore your Christmas gifts were for the Birds!"
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves
And a partridge in a pear tree!"
Admit That You Did That
An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them.
He then asked, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Nobody answered him.
He then asked again, "Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
Again nobody answered.
The old Indian said, "I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish." So the Indian asked again,
"Who push port-a-potty over cliff?"
To which the littlest Indian replied, "I push port-a-potty over cliff."
The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, "Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?"
The old Indian replied, "Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!"
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cen...
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.Fish Jokes 06
Why are gold fish orange?
The water makes them rusty!
Who held the baby octopus to ransome?
Squidnappers!
What part of a fish weighs the most?
It's scales!
What fish do road-menders use?
Pneumatic krill!
What happens when sharks take their clothes off?
They go sharkers!
What game do fish like playing the most?
Name that tuna!
What do naked fish play with?
Bare-a-cudas!
What do you get if you cross a big fish with an electricity pylon?
An electric shark!
Who sleeps at the bottom of the sea?
Jack the kipper!
What is a dolphin's favorite TV show?
Whale of fortune!
One day in the Garden of Eden,...
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!""What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
At school one morning the teac...
At school one morning the teacher asked little Johnny what he had for breakfast. Little Johnny said, well, on my way to school I come cross this Apple tree, so I climbed up there and started eating apples. I guess I eat about six, said little Johnny. No, said the teacher, it’s ate! Little Johnny said well it could've been eight I don't remember.Lemonade
My eight year old daughter was reading the back of a lemon juice bottle while we were eating our dinner. Noting that the bottle said that it was “not made from concentrate” she asked me what that meant.
I told her that it was made from distracted lemons.
While my wife was shaking her head in the disbelief, my daughter, in a thoughtful tone, said, “That must be why they got caught.”
Your Stimulus Check
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will are scheduled to again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
Knock Knock Collection 021
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bach!
Bach who?
Bach of sweets!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bacon!
Bacon who?
Bacon a cake for your birthday!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Thinking ahead ......
Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the houseNothing would fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste
At the holiday parties had gone to my waist.
When I got on the scales there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared;
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,
The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese
And the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt
And prepared once again to do battle with dirt---
I said to myself, as I only can
'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'
So--away with the last of the sour cream dip,
Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip
Every last bit of food that I like must be banished
'Till all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie--not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.
I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,
I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore---
But isn't that what January is for?
Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!
What’s this daily charge for ‘...
What’s this daily charge for ‘fruit’? The hotel guess asked the manager. “We didn’t eat any.” “But the fruit was place in your room every day. It isn’t our fault you didn’t take advantage of it.” “I see,” said the man as he subtracted $150.00 from the bill“What are you doing”? Sputtered the manager.
“I’m subtracting 50 dollars a day for your kissing my wife.”
“What? I didn’t kiss your wife.”
“Ah,” replied the man, “but she was there.”
You might be a redneck if 59
You might be a reneck if...Your most productive fishing lure is a Dupont drifter and a dip net.
City code enforcement officers use your property as a proving ground for new recruits.
You think Tang is in the fruit group.
You can hit a bullseye from up to 50 yards away, but still have trouble with your ABC's.
You've ever wrestled your mama for the last can of beer.
You surf the net primarily for tater gun building instructions.
Your car is the only one in a parking lot and you can't find it.
You think your IQ is the number of coons you shot out of season.
You ever wonder what happened to that nice John F. Kennedy boy.
The fuel for your main mode of transportation is oats.
