Fruit jokes (706 to 720)

Genesis rewritten....

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And the devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, after Our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created man in His own image; male and female created He them.

And God looked upon man and woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And the devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.

And the devil said to man: "You want fries with that?" And man said, "Supersize them." And man gained five pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the devil brought forth chocolate. And woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try My crispy fresh salad."

And the devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And the devil created sour cream dip. And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the devil saw and said, "It is good."

And man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the devil canceled man's health insurance.

Then God showed woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And God created the life-giving tofu. And woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked man, "Do I look fat?"

And the devil said, "Always tell the truth."

And man did. And woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight Watchers. It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit. And in the fullness of time, woman received the exercise machine from man in the property settlement.

It didn't help her, either.

Sunday prayer...

Have you heard about 4-year-old Sammy who was asked to return thanks before Sunday dinner? The family members bowed their heads in expectation, and he began his prayer:

"Thank you God for all my friends: Joey, an' Susan, an' Billy, an' Tommy," and on and on he went, naming each friend one by one.

Next he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles.

Finally he got to the food.

"Thank you God for the turkey, an' the dressing, an' the fruit salad, an' the pies, an' the Cool Whip..."

And then he paused.

The pause was almost deafening, and all eyes were focused on young Sammy with his head still bowed in prayer.

Finally (almost when Father was about to interject an "Amen"), Sammy looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

MORE COMPUTER VIRUSES

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MORE COMPUTER VIRUSES

Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine

Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer

Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer

Congressional Virus # 1: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem

Congressional Virus # 2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything

Jane Fonda Virus: attacks your hard drive's FAT

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB

AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus

Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits

A fruit farmer hired two new w...

A fruit farmer hired two new workers for his fields, but before he sent them out for the day's work, he told them he had just one rule: don't steal any fruit. The two agreed to obey the rule.

After the day was over, the two workers came in to report to the farmer. He asked them if they had stolen any fruit, and immediately their conscience forced them to tell the truth.

"Yes, we did. We ate some when we got hungry," they said.

The farmer replied, "Ok, here is your punishment. I want each of you to go pick ten of your favorite fruit and come back to me."

The men couldn't believe their ears. This seemed more like a reward than a punishment!

After fifteen minutes, the first thief came back with ten cherries. The farmer promptly told him that as part of his punishment, he would have to stuff each cherry up his nose. The thief was upset about this, but he knew he had done wrong, so he slowly began to push the cherries up his nose one by one.

As he was working on the third cherry, he began to laugh hysterically. The farmer asked him, "What's so funny?"

The thief replied, "The other guy is out there picking watermelons!"

An old man was sitting on a be...

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring. The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock, and I was just wondering if you were my son."

Senior Birth Control

An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the

doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I`d like to

have some birth-control pills."

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said,

"Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What

possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the

world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple, I put them in my granddaughter`s

orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

A guy walks into the doctor's ...

A guy walks into the doctor's office. There is a banana stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a carrot stuck in one nostril.
The man says, "Doc, this is terrible. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor says, "Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly."

A first-grade teacher was havi...

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.

She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.

While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Little Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Little Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Little Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Little Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Little Johnny: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Little Johnny was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Little Johnny: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Little Johnny: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Little Johnny: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Little Johnny: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Little Johnny: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Little Johnny: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Little Johnny: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Little Johnny: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

Eat pork?

A Rabbi who's been leading a congregation for many years is upset by the fact that he's never been able to eat pork. So he devises a plan whereby he flies to a remote tropical island and checks into a hotel.

He immediately gets himself a table at the finest restaurant and orders the most expensive pork dish on the menu. As he's eagerly waiting for it to be served, he hears his name called from across the restaurant.

He looks up to see 10 of his loyal congregants approaching. His luck, they'd chosen the same time to visit the same remote location!

Just at that moment, the waiter comes out with a huge silver tray carrying a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth. The Rabbi looks up sheepishly at his congregants and says, "Wow - you order an apple in this place and look how it's served!"

Why did the supermodel stare a...

Why did the supermodel stare at the can of orange juice? Because it said "concentrate."

Beware of new virus

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to 200MB.

AT&T virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Politically Correct virus: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Government Economist virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order virus: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Texas virus: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional virus: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline virus: You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard.

Public Television virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Nike virus: Just does it.

Congressional virus #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything.

Star Trek virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Health Care virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

A young woman had just purchas...

A young woman had just purchased her dream car, a new BMW convertible, and was having trouble tuning her radio to a station she wanted. She returned to the BMW dealership and confronted the salesman, complaining about the radio.

"Miss," the salesperson said, "this is a very sophisticated radio. There is no requirement to use the buttons or dials. You merely give voice commands to whatever type of program you desire."

So after she received her instructions, she headed out on the highway.

"Country Music," she said, and instantly Garth Brooks was singing away on a country station. After a while she said, "Oldies," and instantly she heard Fats Domino singing "Blueberry Hill."

A few minutes later, a woman in a new Cadillac cut her off in traffic.

"Stupid, inconsiderate bitch!" she yelled. The radio paused for a second, and then she heard, "Hello again and welcome back to the program. This is Dr. Laura."

A Drunk's Logic

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A Drunk's Logic

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she picked up:

a litre of low fat milk,

a dozen eggs,

a litre of orange juice,

a lettuce,

a 250 g pack of coffee,

and 500 grams of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the cash register, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the cash register and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

Kissing a model...

The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.

She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said.

"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he swore.

"Really?" she said, softening, "How many models have there been?"

"Four," he replied, "A jug, two apples, and a vase."

On a tropical island

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:

Two Italian men and one Italian woman

Two French men and one French woman

Two German men and one German woman

Two Greek men and one Greek woman

Two English men and one English woman

Two Polish men and one Polish woman

Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman

Two American men and one American woman

Two Australian men and one Australian woman

Two New Zealand men and one New Zealand woman

Two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend

respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving - but at least the taxes are low and it's not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for further instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men after calling them both 'bloody wankers'.

Both the New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few bottles of coconut whisky, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.