Fruit jokes (721 to 735)Jokes about fruits. These are the jokes listed 721 to 735. |
The local bar was so sure that...
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters,longshoremen, etc..) but nobody could do it.One day a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said "okay," grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
He then handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?"
The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
College Student Q and A
College Student Q and A
Q: What does the average Mississippi State player get on his SATs?
A: Drool.
Q: What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A: A full set of teeth.
Q: How do you get a Georgia graduate off your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: Why do the Auburn cheerleaders wear bibs?
A: To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.
Q: Why is the Vandy football team like a possum?
A: Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.
Q: What are the longest three years of a Florida football player's life?
A: His freshman year.
Q: How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None . . . That's a sophomore course at Mississippi.
Q: Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
A: Lexington, Kentucky . . . He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.
Q: Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A: They can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.
Apple pie....
Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.
When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest.
Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.
This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."
More Corny Pick-up Lines...
More Corny Pick-up Lines
So... How am I doing?
I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. Would you smile for me?
I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today, and your name was there.
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Do you like short love affairs? I hate them. I've got all weekend.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
I'm like American Express; you don't want to leave home without me.
I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house?
If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.
If I told you that you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Excuse me, Ms, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?
If you cut your arms off, you'd look just like Venus de Milo.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
Is it hot in here or is it just you?
Is your dad a thief? Then how did he steal the sparkle of the stars and put it in your eyes?
Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.
Hi, my name is
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.
Pardon me, but what pickup line works best with you?
Pull my finger.
The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's more room for your tongue.
The first time is always the hardest.
Was your dad a farmer? Cause you sure have great melons.
Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
You know what would look good on you? Me.
A Great Fruit Cake Recipie
You'll need the following: a cup of water, a cup of sugar, four large eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of baking soda, a teaspoon of salt, a cup of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whisky.
Sample the whisky to check for quality.
Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whisky is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window, check the whisky again and go to bed.
Why was the strawberry depress...
Why was the strawberry depressed?Mark Black, Abbeyhill
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